Today is Easter Sunday. Countless Christian's attended church across the USA. Plastic eggs have been hidden and found. Chocolate in mass quantities has been consumed. Families gathered and are still gathered. And I am sitting here reflecting on the Lord and His promises.
Promises are a hard thing for me to comprehend. I have had many promises broken to me, just as you have. It's easy to not be able to trust anyone or anything because of the sheer number of broken promises, dreams, and plans.
Luke 24 States that the women closest to Jesus, went looking for Him at the tomb. At the place He was buried. Ready to anoint His body wit spices. They had either forgotten He had told them He would rise again on the third day, or they didn't believe His promise to them. They just knew that they loved Him. And in love they wanted to serve Him by preparing His body and anointing Him. It was somehow better to be close to the dead Jesus, then to not be by Him at all.
However, when they got to the tomb they discovered it was empty. Yet it still didn't sink in. They where still confused. The angels spoke to them and reminded them " Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen! Just as He said He would."
Just as He said He would. Over the course of the next couple of days the risen and resurrected Christ would appear to over 500 witnesses! Just as He said He would.
I am so thankful for a God who can be trusted. Who looks our fear and unfaithfulness in the eye and appears before us. Just as He said He would. I wonder if He appeared to so many to cement His trustworthiness.
I struggle in believing God's promises to me. I struggle in believing God is really for me. My salvation is intact. I belive He loves me. I believe He died for me and rose again so I can be with Him in eternity, but it's the day to day care and promises I struggle with. I struggle with Him fulfilling specific plans He has spoken to me when they seem so distant and so far way. I'm in good company. I believe God today is looking at me and speaking to my heart and saying...I have risen. Just as I said I would. I see you and am working on your sitution, just as I said I would.
What about you? Do you have broken dreams, pieces of promises you are struggling with. That you think the Lord has forgotten about? If the darling of Heaven, can leave the comfort of the Heavenlies, be born of a Virgin, live a completely sinless life, die a sinners death, and rise again 3 days later, just as He said He would. What can he do with your prayers, and petitions? Jesus came to save the world, just as He said He would. Who are we to think that He won't fulfill His promises and plans to us, just as He said He would? If He can save the world through one great, glorious act. If He can redeem us all. If He can take back the keys of death, Hades, and the grave. My friends, He can take control of your situation as well.
Lord, forgive my unbelief. Forgive my double mindedness. I press into you. I ask for you to work in the situations that feed on my delicate, heart. God, I ask for you to fulfill the unspoken promises that I hold so close to my heart. The promises I have laid at your feet. Please work, and hold me close just as you said you would. I thank you Lord that you overcame darkness. That the enemy of this world has lost his power, and nothing could hold you back. You my Lord, are the risen King. I trust you with my whole life. Surround me in your presence and light and truth. You are a good and merciful God. Amen.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Jesus Wept
We love you because you first loved us (1 John 4:19)
Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31)
This living and loving. This being of the Gospel. This becoming like you, requires us, no requires me to love first. To hold out that olive branch. To jump in to take the risk. To love first. To not know if the other person will respond in kind. To lay aside my prejudice, to lay aside my mind.
Is this why you wept? You knew. You knew, my Lord and my God, that you are the solution. The yes and the Amen. The Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. You where, and you are, and you will always be the answer, the solution, the great longing met, the souls precious treasure. You’d extend it freely, at no cost to us other than acceptance. The cost to you…the cost to you, far too great to measure. This leaving of the grandeur and the Holiness of the Heavenlies. You left playing among the stars, for dirt, and thirst. Whips, and tears. Tired sighs. And hunger.
All in an effort to woo. To romance through the sacrifice, to win us back to the Father’s heart. To win our hearts and claim us as your own. And what have we done with your gift? We’ve rejected it. Swatted it from your hands. We wouldn’t see what you were offering in pure and beautiful simplicity. This treasure for our hearts. The invitation handed to us from the grace-filled hands, and healing gaze. The gift to be, our truest selves, that which you created. The Creator rejected by the created ones.
Rejecting the only thing our souls need. We would nail you there in our depravity, so unaware. Unaware of the torn flesh and blood spilt on our behalf. Unaware for the first time, the Father would turn His face from You. The darling of Heaven.
This is why you wept. You too knew we would face the rejection. The batting away of our love, the walls we would build back up around us. The hurt we would feel as we reject each other. The pain we would cause one another. You bore it all. You held it all there. On that cross. You broke it all. You healed it all. You overcame it all.
This precious sacrifice which you made for me. This need for you which should cause me to break every wall. You took the risk on me. I will take a risk. I will bear the cross you’ve called me to. The beginning of the loving, is the breaking. The most broken of the hearts, are the ones who have loved the most. Risked the most. Sought you the most. This is why you wept. Not from the rejection you felt, but for the rejection you know I would feel. The breaking that began in me the day we met. The breaking that scares and scars. That brings me to my knees. That requires me to meet you in the dead of the night, to search you in the throne room. The breaking of these walls I’ve set against those you love. The breaking of these walls I’ve set against you. The rejecting of the truest self you’ve created in me.
You wept because you knew every effort I would take to protect against, the agony, to protect against, humanity, to protect against the becoming, to protect, against the breaking. Is this what was in the cup you begged the Father to remove from you?
Father God. My Beloved. You paid it all. You paid it all. The cost too far for me to count. I press on. I move into your embrace. I ask you to brush me off and show me how to love again. To become closer to the truest self.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Beauty from the Ashes
I have sat on this particular post for a few weeks. I have never jotted down notes when I blog to figure out what I want to say. I don't really often think through what I am going to write. Instead, I write for the simple therapy of it. This is different. I have jotted down notes, I have thought it through, I have prayed over it. What you are about to read is sacred to me. It's holy ground in a sense. I'm not sure I can do it justice.
Deep Cries Out to Deep
She walked in the room with a poise and grace I have never seen before, yet there was a deep vulnerability that consumed me as she sat down. The vulnerability radiated all around her, it permeated the air, and fell heavily upon me. As she sat at the table across from me, I couldn't help but realize I was about to embark on holy ground. Just as Moses was instructed to remover his sandals, I knew I need to remove a peice of myself before we began the interview. Any preconceived notions I had about how this was going to play out, or what course the conversation was going to take, needed to be removed, and very quickly.
We will call her Grace. It seems appropriate after learning all she had been thorugh and still carried herself with dignity and respect. Grace was just like any other teenager growing up in her small apartment in with her single mother in a small town in Minnesota . She had friends, she laughed, and she had crushes on celebrities as is a tried and true right into the world of teenagers. Being from a single parent household money was always tight, but they had shelter, and food, and heat in the winter. There wasn't a lot left over for extras but it never mattered much to Grace.
One cold particular rainy day, that's when things changed. She came home to discover her mom's new boyfriends coat hanging up on the hook in the hallway. She wasn't a fan of this new beau. There was something about his smile that left Grace feeling unnerved. He offered lot's of promises of a new and better life, but there seemed to be binding strings attached to each one. His appearance didn't seem convey the money and affluent lifestyle he talked about concerning his job and the financial gains he had.
As Grace grabbed a few crackers and a handful of grapes she sat down on the couch waiting for her mom and this man to emerge from the bedroom. She turned the TV up so she could drown out the intimate sounds coming from the hallway. She never made it through the sitcom. This new boyfriend with the leering smile, emerged took one look at her sitting on the couch, and dragged her back to her bedroom. Her called it her intiation into the game. From that day forward he would have his way with her body, and bring countless men over to do the same. He walked her to school, and would breath down her neck threats of how he would kill her and her mother and it would be her fault if she dared breath a word to anyone. After the terror she experienced at his hands she believed him. He was there when she was done with school. her chances for escape where narrow and she believed she had no choices except to continue on.
The profits he made from her, she never saw a dime. Neither did her mother.
Nearly 19 months after it all began he was arrested on drug charges, while spending the few days in jail, thats when she made her escape. She told the school social worker. She showed the principal her bruises that she had always hidden with baggy sweatshirts and long pants. Less then a week later she was removed from her home.
Grace has only seen her mother once since she was removed. Her mother refused to press charges on the man, and told Grace she should have kept quiet.
While recounting her story Grace never once wavered. Her voice never once quaked. No tears shown from her eyes as she looked at me from across that walnut covered table. Behind her eyes was a fierceness that was beyond her years.
I asked her what she felt people needed to now about her story, that could help them. She stared down at the table, for a long moment. Looking up, she said, "To fight. Sometimes fighting to survive is all you have. It's all I had. Fight." Then the tears broke. My own heart ached.
Grace calmed down and said, " They tried to break me. They almost won, but each night when everything was over, instead of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself, I told myself, I still had the choice to live. I still had the choice to learn. I still had the choice to breath. They couldn't take that from me. Since, being away from that situation and getting her four year degree in psychology. I have learned one more thing, that I still have the choice to love. I can love the people around me, I can love a great big God who protected me, and I can love the hurting. That's another thing they couldn't take from me. If they did they win. They don't get to choose the condition of my soul."
Moving Forward
Grace is currently enrolled in a graduate program to do grief and truama counseling. She will graduate this Spring. She spends weekends serving at the coffee bar at her local church and reading to children in a shelter for abused women and kids.
After speaking with Grace, I couldn't help but evaluate my own life some. Do I freely love the way Grace does? Do I love inspite of hurt I have experienced? Do I trust God the way Grace does? Am I vulnerable to those around me?
Grace exhibits the unbreakableness of the human spirit when faith and love are exercised within.
Deep Cries Out to Deep
She walked in the room with a poise and grace I have never seen before, yet there was a deep vulnerability that consumed me as she sat down. The vulnerability radiated all around her, it permeated the air, and fell heavily upon me. As she sat at the table across from me, I couldn't help but realize I was about to embark on holy ground. Just as Moses was instructed to remover his sandals, I knew I need to remove a peice of myself before we began the interview. Any preconceived notions I had about how this was going to play out, or what course the conversation was going to take, needed to be removed, and very quickly.
We will call her Grace. It seems appropriate after learning all she had been thorugh and still carried herself with dignity and respect. Grace was just like any other teenager growing up in her small apartment in with her single mother in a small town in Minnesota . She had friends, she laughed, and she had crushes on celebrities as is a tried and true right into the world of teenagers. Being from a single parent household money was always tight, but they had shelter, and food, and heat in the winter. There wasn't a lot left over for extras but it never mattered much to Grace.
One cold particular rainy day, that's when things changed. She came home to discover her mom's new boyfriends coat hanging up on the hook in the hallway. She wasn't a fan of this new beau. There was something about his smile that left Grace feeling unnerved. He offered lot's of promises of a new and better life, but there seemed to be binding strings attached to each one. His appearance didn't seem convey the money and affluent lifestyle he talked about concerning his job and the financial gains he had.
As Grace grabbed a few crackers and a handful of grapes she sat down on the couch waiting for her mom and this man to emerge from the bedroom. She turned the TV up so she could drown out the intimate sounds coming from the hallway. She never made it through the sitcom. This new boyfriend with the leering smile, emerged took one look at her sitting on the couch, and dragged her back to her bedroom. Her called it her intiation into the game. From that day forward he would have his way with her body, and bring countless men over to do the same. He walked her to school, and would breath down her neck threats of how he would kill her and her mother and it would be her fault if she dared breath a word to anyone. After the terror she experienced at his hands she believed him. He was there when she was done with school. her chances for escape where narrow and she believed she had no choices except to continue on.
The profits he made from her, she never saw a dime. Neither did her mother.
Nearly 19 months after it all began he was arrested on drug charges, while spending the few days in jail, thats when she made her escape. She told the school social worker. She showed the principal her bruises that she had always hidden with baggy sweatshirts and long pants. Less then a week later she was removed from her home.
Grace has only seen her mother once since she was removed. Her mother refused to press charges on the man, and told Grace she should have kept quiet.
While recounting her story Grace never once wavered. Her voice never once quaked. No tears shown from her eyes as she looked at me from across that walnut covered table. Behind her eyes was a fierceness that was beyond her years.
I asked her what she felt people needed to now about her story, that could help them. She stared down at the table, for a long moment. Looking up, she said, "To fight. Sometimes fighting to survive is all you have. It's all I had. Fight." Then the tears broke. My own heart ached.
Grace calmed down and said, " They tried to break me. They almost won, but each night when everything was over, instead of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself, I told myself, I still had the choice to live. I still had the choice to learn. I still had the choice to breath. They couldn't take that from me. Since, being away from that situation and getting her four year degree in psychology. I have learned one more thing, that I still have the choice to love. I can love the people around me, I can love a great big God who protected me, and I can love the hurting. That's another thing they couldn't take from me. If they did they win. They don't get to choose the condition of my soul."
Moving Forward
Grace is currently enrolled in a graduate program to do grief and truama counseling. She will graduate this Spring. She spends weekends serving at the coffee bar at her local church and reading to children in a shelter for abused women and kids.
After speaking with Grace, I couldn't help but evaluate my own life some. Do I freely love the way Grace does? Do I love inspite of hurt I have experienced? Do I trust God the way Grace does? Am I vulnerable to those around me?
Grace exhibits the unbreakableness of the human spirit when faith and love are exercised within.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Weep with those who weep: Share Experiences
It's been awhile...
It's been a while since I have written, and it has been a concious effort to NOT write. I have been working through somethings, and the last thing I wanted to do was write for the public out of a place of hurt, or a place of bitterness, or a place of anger. However, I feel like it's out of that hurt, bitterness, and anger that God is moving in my life. I'm okay with that.
Quick Recap:
My mom has been sick. Very sick. Massive surgeries, losing vision, losing toes, and losing the love of her life very unexpectedly. The man who raised me, my step-dad Bruce, is also very sick, the VA is thinking cancer, dementia has set in, and pain is there. One family member fights a battle against addiction. My job situation drastically changed, my relationship situation drastically changed. People who had said they cared where suddenly MIA. Friends stopped calling etc. Life was one BIG ball of stress, and I felt it in my back, in my shoulders, in my jaw, in my hip, and in my tears.
Moving Forward:
I'm better. I am no longer stressed. I am no longer in tears every day over these things. I still hurt over them once in awhile, but events have a way of passing, and these ones will too. However, I am changed. I think about the language we use a Christians, as the church and wonder if we are helping, or hurting with the things we say.
"God will never give you more then you can handle."---FALSE. The Bible never ever says that. If that was true, explain Auschwitz. Explain the millions of girls being raped every single day across the globe. Explain why children get beaten to death by those who are meant to protect them.
"Everything is GREAT. My family is healthy, and perfect, and we have great jobs. God has blessed us because He loves us." So....those who have family that isn't healthy? Are we saying that God, isn't blessing them because He doesn't love them? Those INCREDIBLE HARD WORKING men who are talented and excel in their career, but lost jobs due to unforseen circumstance...God's holding back blessings from them, because they are bad? What about those struggling and fighting mental illness? Is there a form of sin in their lives.
"Pray about it. You will get an answer. God ALWAYS answers." What if they have prayed about it, and God has remain SILENT? What about those people who just do not have the strength in themselves to pray another prayer, because they don't have the faith that God can answer.
Real Talk
Don't for two seconds think that my faith in any of the above circumstances has wavered. I believe with all my heart and soul that God can turn around any situation in any moment, and that is that. Sometimes though our words hurt, those struggling so much more then we know, and they suffer in silence. Let's set one thing straight right now...You may have your dream job, your dream house, your dream spouse, you dream life. God may have paved the way for you to get it. You may have a miracle baby and child on your hands, and I am so incredibly happy for you. I rejoice at your blessings, but don't you for two seconds think that because someone doesn't have those things that they aren't blessed. God just has something different for them, a different understanding of life He wants to give them.
Take a moment. Count all your blessings. Thank God for every single one of them. Make the list: family, friends, wellness, health, jobs, food, breath, now....imagine this, every single thing on that list is gone. Taken away. Tragically, suddenly, or even ceases to ever have existed.
Are you still blessed?
Let's be careful what we say. We don't know who we are hurting. Your brand new home may be beautiful, but to the husband who just signed foreclosure papers, he's blessed too. Even if you or him can't see it. You brand new baby is gorgeous, but what about the woman who can't have children. By saying, "I am blessed." May just speak the message to the barren woman: You are not blessed. God does not love you, because you cannot have children.
The very fact that we have breath. The very fact that we can have life. The very fact that God has chosen us. That makes us blessed.
Take a few moments this week to fulfill the second half of the command: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Stop telling people to get over it. Stop telling people to pray about it. Stop telling people to give it to God. Roll up your sleeves, and get in the mess with them. Set down your agenda for Sunday morning, and weep with them at the altar. Put a hand on thier shoulder and look them in the eye and ask what is going on.
Weep with those who weep. The is such beauty in shared experiences.
It's been a while since I have written, and it has been a concious effort to NOT write. I have been working through somethings, and the last thing I wanted to do was write for the public out of a place of hurt, or a place of bitterness, or a place of anger. However, I feel like it's out of that hurt, bitterness, and anger that God is moving in my life. I'm okay with that.
Quick Recap:
My mom has been sick. Very sick. Massive surgeries, losing vision, losing toes, and losing the love of her life very unexpectedly. The man who raised me, my step-dad Bruce, is also very sick, the VA is thinking cancer, dementia has set in, and pain is there. One family member fights a battle against addiction. My job situation drastically changed, my relationship situation drastically changed. People who had said they cared where suddenly MIA. Friends stopped calling etc. Life was one BIG ball of stress, and I felt it in my back, in my shoulders, in my jaw, in my hip, and in my tears.
Moving Forward:
I'm better. I am no longer stressed. I am no longer in tears every day over these things. I still hurt over them once in awhile, but events have a way of passing, and these ones will too. However, I am changed. I think about the language we use a Christians, as the church and wonder if we are helping, or hurting with the things we say.
"God will never give you more then you can handle."---FALSE. The Bible never ever says that. If that was true, explain Auschwitz. Explain the millions of girls being raped every single day across the globe. Explain why children get beaten to death by those who are meant to protect them.
"Everything is GREAT. My family is healthy, and perfect, and we have great jobs. God has blessed us because He loves us." So....those who have family that isn't healthy? Are we saying that God, isn't blessing them because He doesn't love them? Those INCREDIBLE HARD WORKING men who are talented and excel in their career, but lost jobs due to unforseen circumstance...God's holding back blessings from them, because they are bad? What about those struggling and fighting mental illness? Is there a form of sin in their lives.
"Pray about it. You will get an answer. God ALWAYS answers." What if they have prayed about it, and God has remain SILENT? What about those people who just do not have the strength in themselves to pray another prayer, because they don't have the faith that God can answer.
Real Talk
Don't for two seconds think that my faith in any of the above circumstances has wavered. I believe with all my heart and soul that God can turn around any situation in any moment, and that is that. Sometimes though our words hurt, those struggling so much more then we know, and they suffer in silence. Let's set one thing straight right now...You may have your dream job, your dream house, your dream spouse, you dream life. God may have paved the way for you to get it. You may have a miracle baby and child on your hands, and I am so incredibly happy for you. I rejoice at your blessings, but don't you for two seconds think that because someone doesn't have those things that they aren't blessed. God just has something different for them, a different understanding of life He wants to give them.
Take a moment. Count all your blessings. Thank God for every single one of them. Make the list: family, friends, wellness, health, jobs, food, breath, now....imagine this, every single thing on that list is gone. Taken away. Tragically, suddenly, or even ceases to ever have existed.
Are you still blessed?
Let's be careful what we say. We don't know who we are hurting. Your brand new home may be beautiful, but to the husband who just signed foreclosure papers, he's blessed too. Even if you or him can't see it. You brand new baby is gorgeous, but what about the woman who can't have children. By saying, "I am blessed." May just speak the message to the barren woman: You are not blessed. God does not love you, because you cannot have children.
The very fact that we have breath. The very fact that we can have life. The very fact that God has chosen us. That makes us blessed.
Take a few moments this week to fulfill the second half of the command: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Stop telling people to get over it. Stop telling people to pray about it. Stop telling people to give it to God. Roll up your sleeves, and get in the mess with them. Set down your agenda for Sunday morning, and weep with them at the altar. Put a hand on thier shoulder and look them in the eye and ask what is going on.
Weep with those who weep. The is such beauty in shared experiences.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
When it Feels Like Everything is Caving In: Where Does my Help Come From?
I apologize now, that this entry has nothing to do with fitness, or health, or wellness. I apologize if it's going to come across angry and bitter, or even hurt. But the honest truth, is I am hurting. A lot. And this is my blog, so I can write about whatever I want. And I shouldn't feel the need to to apologize for it, but I am.
Life
These last few months have been hard. I have confronted areas of my past that I have wanted to leave untouched. My relationship fell apart and I still don't understand fully what happened, or what I could have done different. I have battled some intense physical battles, and a few viruses. I am grieving alongside my mother who lost her soul-mate, the person she called the love of her life, and has faced some major surgeries, and illnesses herself. I am watching from the side-lines as a beloved family member walks through the pain of his own relationship falling apart, and walking through the brave steps of rehab. I feel attacked in every single area: career, relationships, family, personal...You name it I have faced a struggle or battle in it.
Don't get me wrong I have faced way harder things before. Bigger more life altering news, much much more difficult situations. And I know I have come out on the otherside. And it's been okay. I just don't understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.
For every single question I dare ask: Is it me? What have I done wrong? Is this a spiritual attack? What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to feel? What the heck am I doing? Why does life hurt so much sometimes? How is it possible I have any tears left? Am I hiding? Who can I turn to in these moments? Am I making poor choices? Do I own thse decisions? And so on and so on...every question I ask breeds two or three more questions. And every person I talk to gives conflicting advice.
The Advice
You're doing just fine! You got this! You need to examine your own heart because clearly something is wrong. What did you do to cause THAT to happen? This isn't you, it's them. You should be nicer. You're being too nice. You can't hold so strongly to your opinions. You need own your opinions.
And I am sincerely just confused, and hurting. I hate being weak. I hate admitting, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I hate that every single situation is beyone my control. I can't turn back the clock. I can't take back words that have spoken by me or others. I can't reverse decisions of the past. I can't heal broken bodies or broken hearts. I can't raise loved ones from the dead. I am at a loss. And it's heartbreaking.
The Truth and the Choice
While, I can't do any of the above, and I am at a loss. I am found in a place that only God can reach me in. I'm not trying to be overly spiritual...most days I don't feel spiritual at all. There's nothing spiritual about questioning everything. There's nothing Christ-like about crying myself to sleep every single night. There's amazing about knowing that in and of myself, I don't have the strength to face the next day, and only through Christ can I make it.
One minute I lay down every situation to God in prayer. The next I'm hurting in a new way over it. The next day, I know that God helped me through yesterday, but I am just not quite sure I will make it through today. I remind myself daily, that when striving (aka: me trying to fix things) ceases, that is when God's strength is made new in my life. I remind myself several times a day that I need to again, ask God to help me trust Him. I read and pray that scripture time and time again: Even when I am faithless, God you are faithful. If I wait on the Lord, you will renew my strength. I will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.
The only consoling thought in all of this is: I have a choice. I can cash in, I can throw in the towel. I can walk away from God. I can stop trying to trust people. I can give up and just exists...or...I can keep praying. I can keep asking God for help. I can keep being messy and fall seven times, what matters is I ask God to help me up the eighth time. I can say with all confidence that this to shall pass.
It will hurt until it does pass. It will seem overwhelming, and earth-shattering sometimes, but by the Grace of God the mountains will crumble. I do not have to bow down to despair, I can put my faith and trust and hope in something bigger then myself. Christ can meet those things. I know He can, and even when I fail to recognize that, even when I fail to see His hand on my life, I can be certain that He has not left me.
Father God, I just desperately need you. I need hope. I need strength. I need you to meet me where I am at. My heart is hurting. I need you. Can you hear the cries of your servant? Please listen to them Father. Please heal my broken heart. Please keep me close. Without you God, I couldn't take my next breath. I thank you that you know all things. That you are leading me and guiding me, and sometimes just straight up carrying me through things. I trust that you are Jehovah Jirah. I trust that the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, the Father of the Christ, is still active in my life today. God please move. Please help me to keep coming to you and putting my trust and hope in all that you have for me, and those I love. God, please protect my loved ones. Those who's hearts are far from you, those who know you well, be with them. Guide them and carry them. Father, even in the hurt I say thank you for the pain. The pain lets me know that my love for others is real. It lets me know that I am still alive and still fighting. It gives me a small glimpse into the agony you must feel when your children, YOUR CREATION, turn away from you, it's a tiny small glimpse, and so dim, but I am still thankful that you created me in your image. In your image I was created to feel things: love, joy, happiness, peace, pain, hurt, grief, and sadness. By being created in your image I must remember there is a time for all things. A time for joy and gladness. A time for healing and a time for peace. But in that there is also a time for weeping and mourning. There is a time for pain. You bring the bitter with the sweet. I choose trust again today Oh Lord, and Father if there is any wicked way within my heart show it to me. Reveal it so I may be found in you. Please take care of me Abba God. Amen
Life
These last few months have been hard. I have confronted areas of my past that I have wanted to leave untouched. My relationship fell apart and I still don't understand fully what happened, or what I could have done different. I have battled some intense physical battles, and a few viruses. I am grieving alongside my mother who lost her soul-mate, the person she called the love of her life, and has faced some major surgeries, and illnesses herself. I am watching from the side-lines as a beloved family member walks through the pain of his own relationship falling apart, and walking through the brave steps of rehab. I feel attacked in every single area: career, relationships, family, personal...You name it I have faced a struggle or battle in it.
Don't get me wrong I have faced way harder things before. Bigger more life altering news, much much more difficult situations. And I know I have come out on the otherside. And it's been okay. I just don't understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.
For every single question I dare ask: Is it me? What have I done wrong? Is this a spiritual attack? What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to feel? What the heck am I doing? Why does life hurt so much sometimes? How is it possible I have any tears left? Am I hiding? Who can I turn to in these moments? Am I making poor choices? Do I own thse decisions? And so on and so on...every question I ask breeds two or three more questions. And every person I talk to gives conflicting advice.
The Advice
You're doing just fine! You got this! You need to examine your own heart because clearly something is wrong. What did you do to cause THAT to happen? This isn't you, it's them. You should be nicer. You're being too nice. You can't hold so strongly to your opinions. You need own your opinions.
And I am sincerely just confused, and hurting. I hate being weak. I hate admitting, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I hate that every single situation is beyone my control. I can't turn back the clock. I can't take back words that have spoken by me or others. I can't reverse decisions of the past. I can't heal broken bodies or broken hearts. I can't raise loved ones from the dead. I am at a loss. And it's heartbreaking.
The Truth and the Choice
While, I can't do any of the above, and I am at a loss. I am found in a place that only God can reach me in. I'm not trying to be overly spiritual...most days I don't feel spiritual at all. There's nothing spiritual about questioning everything. There's nothing Christ-like about crying myself to sleep every single night. There's amazing about knowing that in and of myself, I don't have the strength to face the next day, and only through Christ can I make it.
One minute I lay down every situation to God in prayer. The next I'm hurting in a new way over it. The next day, I know that God helped me through yesterday, but I am just not quite sure I will make it through today. I remind myself daily, that when striving (aka: me trying to fix things) ceases, that is when God's strength is made new in my life. I remind myself several times a day that I need to again, ask God to help me trust Him. I read and pray that scripture time and time again: Even when I am faithless, God you are faithful. If I wait on the Lord, you will renew my strength. I will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.
The only consoling thought in all of this is: I have a choice. I can cash in, I can throw in the towel. I can walk away from God. I can stop trying to trust people. I can give up and just exists...or...I can keep praying. I can keep asking God for help. I can keep being messy and fall seven times, what matters is I ask God to help me up the eighth time. I can say with all confidence that this to shall pass.
It will hurt until it does pass. It will seem overwhelming, and earth-shattering sometimes, but by the Grace of God the mountains will crumble. I do not have to bow down to despair, I can put my faith and trust and hope in something bigger then myself. Christ can meet those things. I know He can, and even when I fail to recognize that, even when I fail to see His hand on my life, I can be certain that He has not left me.
Father God, I just desperately need you. I need hope. I need strength. I need you to meet me where I am at. My heart is hurting. I need you. Can you hear the cries of your servant? Please listen to them Father. Please heal my broken heart. Please keep me close. Without you God, I couldn't take my next breath. I thank you that you know all things. That you are leading me and guiding me, and sometimes just straight up carrying me through things. I trust that you are Jehovah Jirah. I trust that the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, the Father of the Christ, is still active in my life today. God please move. Please help me to keep coming to you and putting my trust and hope in all that you have for me, and those I love. God, please protect my loved ones. Those who's hearts are far from you, those who know you well, be with them. Guide them and carry them. Father, even in the hurt I say thank you for the pain. The pain lets me know that my love for others is real. It lets me know that I am still alive and still fighting. It gives me a small glimpse into the agony you must feel when your children, YOUR CREATION, turn away from you, it's a tiny small glimpse, and so dim, but I am still thankful that you created me in your image. In your image I was created to feel things: love, joy, happiness, peace, pain, hurt, grief, and sadness. By being created in your image I must remember there is a time for all things. A time for joy and gladness. A time for healing and a time for peace. But in that there is also a time for weeping and mourning. There is a time for pain. You bring the bitter with the sweet. I choose trust again today Oh Lord, and Father if there is any wicked way within my heart show it to me. Reveal it so I may be found in you. Please take care of me Abba God. Amen
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I'm Just a Girl
I'm Just a Girl.
I find myself saying that a lot. I get into a discussion with a friend, and I cry. I put on a fake smile, shake my head, and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just being a girl." Or I deeply feel compassion for someone, really and truly am excited at their great news, whatever it is: engagement, upcoming birth, new promotion at work, etc. and the tears come then too. Again, I shake my head and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Or the stress of the day is too much: failed decisions, minor mistakes made, burning the pan yet again while cooking dinner. I get upset. I have an emotional outburst and again, the head shake and the "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Why the need to apologize or offer my feminity as an excuse?
This journey this health and wellness journey has morphed and evolved into something that I never ever saw coming. I have confronted deep fears, I have failed more times then I can count, I have cried way more than my fair share of tears, I have seen countless victories, I have run further than I thought possible, and I have tried new exercises that I thought there is no way I can do that. I have used my excuse: I can't do that, I'm just a girl, more times than I care to admit. This journey isn't about just physical health. It's been a spiritual journey, and an emotional healing journey.
I'm not afraid to admit that since losing my job a week ago, I have felt lost, fusturated, and confused. Somehow without realizing it, my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing. I keep falling into that trap of life over and over again. I start off doing something because I want God to shine through and be lifted up, and instead find myself hoping my efforts would shine through instea. Being an emotional eater, and hating to cook, I have gone to Chipotle more times then I care to admit, and I have eaten odd combinations of foods when I am just bored, peanut butter & baby carrots, anyone?. I can't help it. I'm just a girl. I'm wired for relationship. I'm wired to need people. I'm wired to care what they think. I'm wired to cry when I am upset, or happy, or thinking, or confused, or...you get the picture.
But God is showing me that I am exactly who He created me to be, and it's perfectly okay. I AM A GIRL. And therefore it's okay to act like one. It's okay to cry at the loss of things I love. It's okay to modify my workouts, because lets face it: I am just built physically different then a guy. I embrace the fact that I love people without reservation...once I've decided to let them in. I don't ever unlove someone. Ever. No matter what. It's acceptable and should be celebrated that I can feel so much for those around me that their life situations reduce me to tears sometimes. When my friend announced that the adoption they've been praying for is final. I cried. Great big tears. When my other friend shared a deep personal family struggle, and I prayed, for her as if it was my own burden, it's to be celebrated.
Being a girl is hard work. Being a girl from a divorced home, with a history of alcoholism, and sexual abuse, is even harder work. The lies of our culture tell us how to dress to be accepted, how to act to be loved, and to throw away your self-respect to make it in this world. Throw in HUGE trust issues, a few broken relationships, and the receipe is hard. Forgiveness has been key. I have had to forgive people who have hurt me, I have had to forgive God for letting me be hurt, and most of all I have had to forgive myself. And that's been hardest of all.
Each day, I strap on those running shoes, each blog I write. Every time I set down the chips and pick up the celery, every time I meal plan. I can feel the weight of the past dripping away. The emotional weight, the weight of sin, the weight of hurt...clunk, clunk, clunk. At first believing I deserved it came only through pain...bloody chunk by bloody chunk. As I have progressed on this journey of grace, love, health, and spiritual healing, it has started to come softer, quieter, more of a steady stream of healing. It hurts less.
Just Do It. To anyone who wonders if they have the strength to look at thier past and make an honest evaluation of it. To anyone who wonders if remaining locked up inside yourself is more painful than dealing with the issues. To anyone who is afraid to challenge themselves physically. My advice...is just do it. Begin somewhere. In a year from now, you will thank yourself for starting. I don't want to be in this same place in a year from now. And I won't be. By God's grace He has made me just one of the girls. I am human. I make mistakes. I am ordinary, and altogether extraordinary. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or angry. I pray often and loudly. I am crazy enough to believe God speaks to me, and crazier enough to act on it when He does. I judge quickly, but apologize even faster. I'm not afraid of being just a girl anymore. I am exactly who God created for me to be. Mistakes, identity issues, blood, sweat, tears and all.
I find myself saying that a lot. I get into a discussion with a friend, and I cry. I put on a fake smile, shake my head, and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just being a girl." Or I deeply feel compassion for someone, really and truly am excited at their great news, whatever it is: engagement, upcoming birth, new promotion at work, etc. and the tears come then too. Again, I shake my head and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Or the stress of the day is too much: failed decisions, minor mistakes made, burning the pan yet again while cooking dinner. I get upset. I have an emotional outburst and again, the head shake and the "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Why the need to apologize or offer my feminity as an excuse?
This journey this health and wellness journey has morphed and evolved into something that I never ever saw coming. I have confronted deep fears, I have failed more times then I can count, I have cried way more than my fair share of tears, I have seen countless victories, I have run further than I thought possible, and I have tried new exercises that I thought there is no way I can do that. I have used my excuse: I can't do that, I'm just a girl, more times than I care to admit. This journey isn't about just physical health. It's been a spiritual journey, and an emotional healing journey.
I'm not afraid to admit that since losing my job a week ago, I have felt lost, fusturated, and confused. Somehow without realizing it, my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing. I keep falling into that trap of life over and over again. I start off doing something because I want God to shine through and be lifted up, and instead find myself hoping my efforts would shine through instea. Being an emotional eater, and hating to cook, I have gone to Chipotle more times then I care to admit, and I have eaten odd combinations of foods when I am just bored, peanut butter & baby carrots, anyone?. I can't help it. I'm just a girl. I'm wired for relationship. I'm wired to need people. I'm wired to care what they think. I'm wired to cry when I am upset, or happy, or thinking, or confused, or...you get the picture.
But God is showing me that I am exactly who He created me to be, and it's perfectly okay. I AM A GIRL. And therefore it's okay to act like one. It's okay to cry at the loss of things I love. It's okay to modify my workouts, because lets face it: I am just built physically different then a guy. I embrace the fact that I love people without reservation...once I've decided to let them in. I don't ever unlove someone. Ever. No matter what. It's acceptable and should be celebrated that I can feel so much for those around me that their life situations reduce me to tears sometimes. When my friend announced that the adoption they've been praying for is final. I cried. Great big tears. When my other friend shared a deep personal family struggle, and I prayed, for her as if it was my own burden, it's to be celebrated.
Being a girl is hard work. Being a girl from a divorced home, with a history of alcoholism, and sexual abuse, is even harder work. The lies of our culture tell us how to dress to be accepted, how to act to be loved, and to throw away your self-respect to make it in this world. Throw in HUGE trust issues, a few broken relationships, and the receipe is hard. Forgiveness has been key. I have had to forgive people who have hurt me, I have had to forgive God for letting me be hurt, and most of all I have had to forgive myself. And that's been hardest of all.
Each day, I strap on those running shoes, each blog I write. Every time I set down the chips and pick up the celery, every time I meal plan. I can feel the weight of the past dripping away. The emotional weight, the weight of sin, the weight of hurt...clunk, clunk, clunk. At first believing I deserved it came only through pain...bloody chunk by bloody chunk. As I have progressed on this journey of grace, love, health, and spiritual healing, it has started to come softer, quieter, more of a steady stream of healing. It hurts less.
Just Do It. To anyone who wonders if they have the strength to look at thier past and make an honest evaluation of it. To anyone who wonders if remaining locked up inside yourself is more painful than dealing with the issues. To anyone who is afraid to challenge themselves physically. My advice...is just do it. Begin somewhere. In a year from now, you will thank yourself for starting. I don't want to be in this same place in a year from now. And I won't be. By God's grace He has made me just one of the girls. I am human. I make mistakes. I am ordinary, and altogether extraordinary. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or angry. I pray often and loudly. I am crazy enough to believe God speaks to me, and crazier enough to act on it when He does. I judge quickly, but apologize even faster. I'm not afraid of being just a girl anymore. I am exactly who God created for me to be. Mistakes, identity issues, blood, sweat, tears and all.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Choices: Food Choices, Emotional Eating, and God's Plan
I heard a speaker in church awhile back talk about how she built thankfulness into her boys. She talked about how when they where low on money, and the only food in the house was a box of pancake mix and a box of noodles, she sat her boys down and prayed: "Thank you God that we have choices." The choices weren't plentiful, but they had a choice. I think about that statement often. Am I thankful for the things in my life? Do I praise God for the fact that I have choices? The answer, the very honest answer is: NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
I like things neat and orderly in life. I like to make lists, and I like knowing the next step. I want this health and wellness journey I am am to be free of set backs. I want to know exactly what food choices I should make. Is it better to eat a plate of grain-free waffles, with raw honey, peanut butter and apples slices for breakfast, or is two eggs scrambled with tukey nitrate-free bacon and a small glass of freshly juiced juice better for me? Would I get more impact from running intervals and staying in the "fat-burning" zone be a good choice today, or should I take build up my cardio endurance and go all out? It can be an entirely daunting task. But...one that I am so very grateful to be able to take on. I am glad that, my eyes where opened to the truth that changes needed to be made, so I could realize the strength and physical things my body is able to acheive. I'm incredibly in awe of the fact that, God has given me the ability to reason through these "problems" and has provided for a way for them to be solved. Not every decision is an easy one. The solutions aren't always aparent, the facts need to be sorted through. Sometimes mistakes are made...that brownie & ice cream I had the other day. Delicious, but I certainly regretted it the next morning when my hands where puffy from the dairy and I couldn't put my favorite ring on, and I was irritable from the sugar crash.
But that isn't the end of the story. One mistake doesn't end everything, nor does it negate all the progress that has been made. Just because something is hard to do, doesn't mean it's not worth it.
God Speaks
I saw a documentary recently called the Gift of Pain. It was really really eye opening. It talked about how Christians sometimes have a harder time accepting and recovering from suffering, trials, and pain because they have chosen to believe the lie that if they are believers, pain won't and can't touch them. Christians mistakenly believe that if you're following God and are in His plan then things will go perfectly, and easily. The documentary, followed a doctor who works in the leper colonies of India. The fact that his patients cannot feel pain, is the very thing that is killing them.
A simple cut on my hand, stings. It causes pain. I know something is wrong or is amiss. I can wash it out, and apply an antibacterial agent, and place a bandaid on it, to prevent infection from getting in. A simple cut on a lepers hand, if left untreated can cause, gangrene, infections, and more. When put in that perspective pain is a blessing.
When I work out hard, and move my body in such a way that is improper form, pain will shoot through my body letting me know something is wrong, and I need to adjust. I have begun to learn that there is a difference in being sore from working out, and being in pain. Pain indicates something is wrong. Soreness is an indicator, that I was working and doing something right.
I believe that God speaks to us through pain. I believe that He even sometimes allows it, to let us know something is wrong and off course. And we need to adjust.
God's Plan
How many times have I gone to God, and been upset or angry, because I feel like He promised me something and it's not happening. Or there is a painful season in my life...and therefore He's not there, because if this was His plan, it wouldn't hurt so much. I think I have it all wrong.
I don't think I need to be suffering for God to be at work. But...the absence of pain or hardship doesn't indicate this path is His plan. The Isrealites, faced obstacles. They faced pain. They faced hardship on thier way to the Promised Land. It got so difficult in thier minds that they: LONGED TO GO BACK TO EGYPT. That blows me away!!! They longed to go back to a place of slavery, and captivity. Did pain, hardship, etc mean they weren't on the very path God had for them?
NO...in fact I believe it was a very real indicator that they where exactly where God wanted them. He was taking them on a path to get the Egypt out of them, so they could thrive in the Promised Land. Maybe, just maybe pain, hardship, hurt...maybe those are indicators in our lives that God is at work. Maybe it means that we are on the right path towards victory. Perhaps, the Devil is scared that when we reached the Promised Land of our lives we will never ever want to leave. He's scared that when we come face to face with God's sovereign plan for our lives, we will have victory, and will no longer bow down to sin, fear, hatred, or evil.
Maybe hardship means we are on the right road. Giving everything up and offering a sacrifice of honest praise in the midst of a battle, offering praise in the face of fear, giving a shout of victory when all hope seems lost, is what wins the battle.
Refusing to Bow to Doubt
I believe I can be healthy. I believe I can be whole. I believe I can overcome my fears. I believe I can face the past pain, and release those who have hurt me. Is it easy? No. But is it God's plan. Yes. Absolutely yes.
When waiting for God to fulfill His promises to me, I can believe that God answers prayers. When doubt about if I am on the right path creeps in, I will refuse to give into fear. I will choose to praise God in the storm. I can cast all my fears and anxieties on Him. He will be faithful to answer. He will make all things beautiful in His time.
God, thank you. Thank you for choices. Thank you for life. Thank you for pain that leads me to You. God, thank you that you are guiding me. That not for one moment has you presence left me. God, you are good. You give me comfort when there shouldn't be any. You give me peace when the storms of life rage. You give me blessings where I deserve none. You give me victory that I haven't earned. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I like things neat and orderly in life. I like to make lists, and I like knowing the next step. I want this health and wellness journey I am am to be free of set backs. I want to know exactly what food choices I should make. Is it better to eat a plate of grain-free waffles, with raw honey, peanut butter and apples slices for breakfast, or is two eggs scrambled with tukey nitrate-free bacon and a small glass of freshly juiced juice better for me? Would I get more impact from running intervals and staying in the "fat-burning" zone be a good choice today, or should I take build up my cardio endurance and go all out? It can be an entirely daunting task. But...one that I am so very grateful to be able to take on. I am glad that, my eyes where opened to the truth that changes needed to be made, so I could realize the strength and physical things my body is able to acheive. I'm incredibly in awe of the fact that, God has given me the ability to reason through these "problems" and has provided for a way for them to be solved. Not every decision is an easy one. The solutions aren't always aparent, the facts need to be sorted through. Sometimes mistakes are made...that brownie & ice cream I had the other day. Delicious, but I certainly regretted it the next morning when my hands where puffy from the dairy and I couldn't put my favorite ring on, and I was irritable from the sugar crash.
But that isn't the end of the story. One mistake doesn't end everything, nor does it negate all the progress that has been made. Just because something is hard to do, doesn't mean it's not worth it.
God Speaks
I saw a documentary recently called the Gift of Pain. It was really really eye opening. It talked about how Christians sometimes have a harder time accepting and recovering from suffering, trials, and pain because they have chosen to believe the lie that if they are believers, pain won't and can't touch them. Christians mistakenly believe that if you're following God and are in His plan then things will go perfectly, and easily. The documentary, followed a doctor who works in the leper colonies of India. The fact that his patients cannot feel pain, is the very thing that is killing them.
A simple cut on my hand, stings. It causes pain. I know something is wrong or is amiss. I can wash it out, and apply an antibacterial agent, and place a bandaid on it, to prevent infection from getting in. A simple cut on a lepers hand, if left untreated can cause, gangrene, infections, and more. When put in that perspective pain is a blessing.
When I work out hard, and move my body in such a way that is improper form, pain will shoot through my body letting me know something is wrong, and I need to adjust. I have begun to learn that there is a difference in being sore from working out, and being in pain. Pain indicates something is wrong. Soreness is an indicator, that I was working and doing something right.
I believe that God speaks to us through pain. I believe that He even sometimes allows it, to let us know something is wrong and off course. And we need to adjust.
God's Plan
How many times have I gone to God, and been upset or angry, because I feel like He promised me something and it's not happening. Or there is a painful season in my life...and therefore He's not there, because if this was His plan, it wouldn't hurt so much. I think I have it all wrong.
I don't think I need to be suffering for God to be at work. But...the absence of pain or hardship doesn't indicate this path is His plan. The Isrealites, faced obstacles. They faced pain. They faced hardship on thier way to the Promised Land. It got so difficult in thier minds that they: LONGED TO GO BACK TO EGYPT. That blows me away!!! They longed to go back to a place of slavery, and captivity. Did pain, hardship, etc mean they weren't on the very path God had for them?
NO...in fact I believe it was a very real indicator that they where exactly where God wanted them. He was taking them on a path to get the Egypt out of them, so they could thrive in the Promised Land. Maybe, just maybe pain, hardship, hurt...maybe those are indicators in our lives that God is at work. Maybe it means that we are on the right path towards victory. Perhaps, the Devil is scared that when we reached the Promised Land of our lives we will never ever want to leave. He's scared that when we come face to face with God's sovereign plan for our lives, we will have victory, and will no longer bow down to sin, fear, hatred, or evil.
Maybe hardship means we are on the right road. Giving everything up and offering a sacrifice of honest praise in the midst of a battle, offering praise in the face of fear, giving a shout of victory when all hope seems lost, is what wins the battle.
Refusing to Bow to Doubt
I believe I can be healthy. I believe I can be whole. I believe I can overcome my fears. I believe I can face the past pain, and release those who have hurt me. Is it easy? No. But is it God's plan. Yes. Absolutely yes.
When waiting for God to fulfill His promises to me, I can believe that God answers prayers. When doubt about if I am on the right path creeps in, I will refuse to give into fear. I will choose to praise God in the storm. I can cast all my fears and anxieties on Him. He will be faithful to answer. He will make all things beautiful in His time.
God, thank you. Thank you for choices. Thank you for life. Thank you for pain that leads me to You. God, thank you that you are guiding me. That not for one moment has you presence left me. God, you are good. You give me comfort when there shouldn't be any. You give me peace when the storms of life rage. You give me blessings where I deserve none. You give me victory that I haven't earned. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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