Mental Health Awareness and the Church: My Journey

Mental Health Awareness and the Church

My heart is overwhelmed with grief these last couple weeks as I have observed the posts, the tweets, the blogs, and comments from the Church world as we’ve learned yet another young pastor has passed away from suicide. I’m sure I don’t have the knowledge or the training to do the topic justice; but I do have my own experiences as someone who was and is immersed in the Church culture and deals with my own mental health struggles/illness.

First things first…I am not blaming the Church for this tragedy. It is a complex, messy, concerning event that has and will forever significantly alter the lives of those around it. His family, friends, and the church he served. No one is to blame. This isn’t a finger pointing mission. Secondly, those who know me well know I work as HR staff in a Mental Health clinic. I have become passionate about mental health through this work; but let’s make it very clear, my area of expertise is Human Resources, not mental health. I am not a therapist. I have not been trained in mental health. I have been trained in Human Resources.

Now to dive in.

Pastors and professional church workers…I beg you; please begin the conversations that surround mental health in your churches and in your circles of influence. The freedom and release you may bring by making these conversations the “norm” will be matchless. Find the phone numbers of local therapists, mental health clinics, and refer your congregation there if it is out of your area of expertise. Bring certified therapists on staff if you have the resources to do so. Attend mental health awareness trainings and seminars in your local community. Research what the Bible has to say about mental health.

My Story

As a young adult, in volunteer leadership roles, and as a paid staff member at church, I was struggling with anxiety. It was hard and I felt so alone in the struggle. My anxiety didn’t present as anxiety in the church. It presented as “sin”. It presented as uncontrolled debt; because shopping sprees made me feel better for a moment. It presented as being controlling; because I was grasping for control of my racing thoughts. It presented as dishonesty; because those who I turned to in the darkest times didn’t know how to respond to me. They responded the best they could, but it was inadequate. The recommended counseling, which helped for some time; but for anyone dealing with ANY chronic illness knows mental health rebounds. I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

The story I was hearing from those around me was: I wasn’t good enough. No one was saying it outright mind you, but no one was talking about their own struggles. The outward things they saw where the topic of conversation and correction; the behaviors where being addressed but certainly not the underlying cause. It caused me to cover up and not present as I truly was. My prayers weren’t enough. I was stuck in “sin”. And I wasn’t going to get better. God could heal cancer, infertility, drug addictions, etc. but God couldn’t heal my brain, and I didn’t understand why. The shame that set in was debilitating. I did not know anyone else at my church who was struggling the way I was. The conversations weren’t being had.

Prayers Didn’t Work

I know I just turned a lot of you away with that statement… “Prayers didn’t work”; but please hear me out. Prayers ALONE didn’t work. Do I believe God can heal any  illness including mental health in an instant…Yes, absolutely yes. But for me and my story, prayers alone didn’t work. I prayed, I journaled, I sought counseling and kept ending up in the same place. I needed something more. It wasn’t until my son was born that I was able to entertain the thought that I needed something else to help me fight what was going on. I made the appointment to get treated for post-partum and discovered that I had most likely been fighting anxiety this whole time. Longer then I remembered. Longer then I cared to admit. That appointment, and that medication was the answer to prayer.

 

How to Get the Conversations Started

Mental health is personal. Most people are not going to walk into a small group, altar service, and say “I’m struggling with…” especially if they have in the past and response was not well received. One of the more freeing moments I have experienced in my mental health journey was when a well-respected Pastor/Mentor in my life shared FROM THE PULPIT; “I see a counselor”. It unlocked and began to release the shame I was holding onto in my life. I had a close friend text me and say “Please pray for me. I am really struggling with depression right now. I have an appointment to go see my doctor later this week”. And again, the release was felt.

In church culture and leadership there is this mentality that pastors and their families are held up on a pedestal. That if they are struggling with something, they must not be “holding the faith”. We have to stop. This prevents the people in leadership positions from openly sharing their struggles, and receiving the grace they need to move forward. It prevents grace from pouring out on those they led and shepherd.

There’s this culture of “Don’t bleed on the sheep” amongst church leaders that is damaging. I would challenge you to look at what messages you are relaying that may send the message to your people sitting in the pulpits that are struggling with their own mental health. If a staff member went to the senior pastor of your church and said; “I’m struggling with…” how would it be received. Would there be fear for losing their job? Would there be fear of placing their family in financial ruin? Or upsetting the culture of what their family knows? Many people in church do not come forward when they are in the depths because they fear this. We need to create a culture amongst our church staffs that it is okay to struggle, its okay to voice those struggles. We are all works in progress. We need to equip our church leaders and staff with resources for themselves, for their families, and for those they seek to lead.

Journey into Motherhood

There is the loss of identity that happens when we become a mother. We say it won’t, we claim that we know who we are, we are too confident to have that happen to us. Then that child comes into our lives and everything changes. “The best parents are the ones who haven’t had kids yet.” I’m that person, I have always wanted to be a wife and a mom, I was strong in my faith, I knew kids (I worked in childcare with all ages, all ability levels and I knew what I was doing). And here I am most days at a complete loss as to what to do.

I have had many people close to me comment that it seems “I’m not spiritual” like I used to be or “I’m not as vocal about faith things” like I used to be. There’s probably an element truth to that, because I don’t know how to incorporate those things into this new role. Gone are the days I could spend an hour reading my Bible, and praying, and journaling, you know self-care things, the things that are so important. In the last two years since Jack was born, I have started 3 books, and I have completed none of them. Prior to having Jack I consumed books, so many books. I journaled every single day. I blogged often. Again since his birth I have completed 3 pages in a journal, and blogged never. Now I make notes here and there as my days go by. A quick scroll through FB and seeing some else’s inspired devotional post makes me pause and say…that’s good. And I consider my devotional time complete. But my goodness do I cling to faith stronger than ever. Watching my little guy sing “Jesus loves me” or belting out Lauren Daigle’s “You say” and something deep melts within me. He is unencumbered by what this world or well-meaning people tell him he should be. And the heart of Father God for us shines. And that is something I cling too. Perhaps this journey of finding myself, and using my faith to guide me, isn’t so much a journey of becoming something more, but rather a laying down of those expectations and enjoying exactly who I am, as I was created to be. Throwing off the expectations of others and truly just living.

It isn’t the busyness so much as it is priorities. I’m learning to die to myself each day. Because there is someone who needs me, along with my other responsibilities. So here I am tossed into this new role, which I have not navigated before. It’s messy, and I am not always “rocking it”. It appears that many moms have it all together, their Facebook shows them and their kiddos in matching outfits, perfect top knots, they had time to get Starbucks on the way to church and somehow their matching outfits coordinate perfectly with the Starbucks cup they got that day. They posted the perfect scripture verse that speaks perfectly to their lives, and they find time to work out, still have perfect lines of communication with their husband, and their homes are immaculate. My life looks more like this: Last week alone I woke up late for work 3 out of the 4 days I went into the office, I spent the majority of the weekend crying, because I was tired, hangry, and I felt like an outsider in my life. My house is currently a mess. Every single plate we own is dirty. I haven’t blow dried my hair since December, and I was really glad it snowed a few weeks ago because it meant I could put my run off for another day. The power steering went out on our car, and I didn’t buy my kid a birthday present until 4 days after his birthday. I didn’t even wrap it when I gave it to him. We are navigating pre-teen years while co-parenting a nearly 12 year old. Both of those things alone are a full time job. Combine them, and survival becomes the goal, not thriving, not rocking it, those things don’t apply to this situation.

I don’t recognize myself, because I am not that person any longer. I am not the woman who can spend hours surfing Pinterest, and trying new crafts, and reading gobs of books right now. And that is okay. At least I want it to be okay. My alone times consists of going to work, and being able to close the office door while I eat my lunch, and that’s not always enough for this introvert. And that is okay. After Mr. Toddler Man goes to bed, it’s often all I can do to not go straight to sleep myself. I’m trying to remind myself that this is a season, these are the days I am going to miss; but truth be told, right now, I don’t feel that way. And that is okay.

The World has Shifted

There's never a comfortable way to approach this topic. Everyone has their already formed opinion, so I debated even writing this. I debated even publishing it. But to sit in silence contributes to the problem.

Had you asked me 5 years ago if our country had a racism problem, my answer would have been a firm NO. Our president was black, I personally didn't know anyone who was racist, I didn't surround myself with people who blatantly hated anyone much less for the color of their skin. Then I met the man who would become my husband; and my world shifted. The rose colored glasses where removed, and I saw the truth. The truth that many of my friends and family still deny, or don't see.

It started innocently enough...a few glances here and there in church. I honestly thought it was because, people where interested in us as a new couple, they where trying to figure out, are they? Aren't they? Then a person here and there who had previously been kind to me just wasn't. There was a wall there. It happened as it became more and more apparent, that...yes, yes indeed we where a couple. Then one fine Sunday morning, she approached me. The older lady who I had looked up to. Previous years when I had first entered this particular church she could ALWAYS be found at the altar praying for others. She appeared to be a shiny gem among God's chosen people. I wanted to model my prayers after hers. She came to me and asked, "Are you dating him? That man you where sitting by?"
"Yes! I am. He's fantastic. Have you met him yet?" I beamed with pride.
"Oh dear," She said. "You can't date him. Dating leads to marriage, and marrying someone like him isn't good, or what God wants. God doesn't want you to marry someone outside your race. Your relationship is sinful." I spoke to the leadership of the church about it. They told me it was just something I had to deal with. And that was that. It was the beginning of me learning that there was a whole world outside of mine.

The day it had snowed HEAVILY. It was the first big snow of the year. If I remember correctly it was well over 6 inches. We where driving to work. The roads weren't plowed yet. So all the cars where following the tracks of the other cars. It was the only place the road was visible. This is a common occurrence in Minne--snow-ta. Maybe 3 other cars where in front of us that morning. And the cop pulled us over. The "crime" driving outside the fog lines. I didn't know a fog line existed. (It is the white line along the side of the road for those curious). The cop was RUDE, disrespectful, and constantly swearing at my husband. I have never in my life seen a cop speak to someone that way. It was hard to hear. Apparently respect from a cop, is a privilege I had always taken for granted. After a few moments I recognized her. It was a former student I had taught Sunday school to. I leaned over, said "Hi" and her attitude changed. She called my husband sir. But the damage was already done. She had shown her true attitude. And I will never forget the look on that man's face. I hate to say it, but my strong, brave, hard-working, kind, brilliant, husband, looked broken. I don't know if it was fear, I don't know if it was realizing that yet again, a cop had judged him based on this interaction, but it wasn't a look I had seen before. And it broke me. And I realized the world had shifted.

It was the cashier in the local grocery store. The one I had spoken to many times. Who always asked me how my day was. She would tell me little stories of her grandson. She knew me by name. And I noticed she stopped speaking to me, well...that's not entirely accurate. She would only speak to me when my husband wasn't with me. It stung, because I had really liked her stories. Once again, my world had shifted.

The day I opened my messenger on Facebook after my son was born. "You got lucky, your baby is light enough to raise as a "normal" person."
"What in the world is a normal person? What does that even mean?"
"You know...to not focus on his black side or culture. You can raise him to embrace his white culture." And I realized there was no reasoning with this thinking. I realized I am raising a mixed race son. And my world has forever shifted.

I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that it took me so long to realize that we still have a problem. That racism is  systemic, and because of the past there are still laws, mores, and a way of life that disenfranchises people of color, and elevates white privilege. I am at times afraid to speak up, because I don't think my family needs more hate, or more comments, or more attention. I at moments feel like I am not going to be helpful to the conversation. Does the black community need another white woman taking up their cause, because it now affects her? How do I even help?

The Bible says: "Weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn." Friends, fellow Christians...I'm speaking to you. You don't get to tell your black counterparts, that "Racism isn't a thing." "Slavery was so long ago." "Yes, but those laws aren't in affect today." "You where never a slave" As a Christian, you job...your mission is to weep with those who weep. You need to listen. Hear their stories, ask how the current political state is affecting them. Learn something about how the world is for them. Are they scared? Do they feel disenfranchised? What was growing up like for them. AND TO BELIEVE THEM. Not argue away their experience, or explain it away. Then and only then will you understand that a shift in this world needs to happen. And we haven't experienced it.

Health Class Didn't Prepare Me for This

Disclaimer: This post isn't going to be for the faint of heart. If you are squeamish, or easily embarrassed by bodily functions, or you just giggled too hard in health class like a 12 year old boy at heart...you've been warned. This is real talk about pregnancy and all that goes with it.

Alright girlfriends...I thought most of us had a good relationship, but when I would ask you questions about pregnancy, there's many things you didn't tell me. Dear Coach G who taught my freshman health class and made us watch the "Miracle of Birth" you didn't tell us these things either. No one told me; so I am going to do all you ladies who haven't yet experienced pregnancy some of the things that took my by surprise.

1) You will spend a small fortune on bras, undies, and other lacey slinky things.
See, I knew that after pregnancy you needed to purchase granny panties to fit you for after delivery, I knew you needed to purchase new bras to accommodate your growing assets that are now capable of sustaining life. But NO ONE TOLD ME; HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME that I  needed to accommodate these things now, at 30 weeks in. Your curves grow...A LOT, and unless you want to spend the next 9 months digging under wires out of your sides, or picking fabric out of your rear, buy new stuff!

2)You will leak.
My former coworkers warned me that AFTER pregnancy bladder control would be an issue. I thought about preparing for that...but NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME, that the leaking happens while that wee little babe is still baking. As my midwife put it: "It's normal honey, us gals just get juicy as pregnancy progresses. Buy some liners and carry on." It's your bodies way of keep infection at bay, and your assets are swelling and preparing to feed your baby, so leakage there is also normal. But freaky if NO ONE TOLD YOU!

3) Your partner's breathing becomes really hard to tolerate.
Okay, so I should have expected this one. I'm not really a patient person to start with, and I was fairly warned about pregnancy hormones, but trust me nothing could prepare me for the Great Taco Melt Down of 2016. NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME just how important food would become. My husband and I stopped at Taco Bell...(don't judge me, even if you won't admit it, it's delicious). We where shorted a taco. We didn't realize it. We got home, I attended to a phone call. My husband ate his food. I sat down to eat and realized one of the tacos I ordered was missing...cue the water works, cue the hysterics---yes actual hysterics, I cried some more, laid myself down on the kitchen floor and sobbed, accused my husband of eating my food, and cried some more. It was intense. I recovered and was DEEPLY embarrassed by my behavior, and was extremely drained of all energy. I've found it increasingly difficult to not be irritated by those closest to me. I've apologized more to those I love the most, in the last several months then I have ever needed to in my whole life.

4) The smells. Oh the smells you will smell
You've heard of your sense of scent increasing; but NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME for how sensitive to my own smell I would become. Has my breath always been that noticeable in the morning? Has my "feminine" smell always been that apparent? Has my hair always been that gross smelling after a long day. Those closest to me assure me nothing has changed. I'm not all of a sudden the stinky kid in class, but because my own sniffer has increased in it's ability, I'm suddenly just more aware of those things.

5) You will miss you baby intensely before they arrive
For me admittedly this pregnancy wasn't a surprise. We weren't TRYING, but we weren't PLANNING either. We where pretty open to whatever God had planned for our family. However, each month prior to that actual positive test, when I was a minute later then I thought I should be, and I took THE TEST, and it was negative, I was pretty sad. I missed my baby. I know that sounds strange, I know it sounds intense, but I missed him. And then the day came that that test was positive, and I missed him even more. There are days I can be sitting at work, and tears come, because I want to hold him, kiss him, snuggle his sweet little face. NO ONE TOLD, AND HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE me that I would be instantly in love with this teeny-tiny person who hasn't even made his full debut into the world. No one told me, that my arms would ache to see him. I can't wait to fully love on you Baby Jack.

6) The fears. The anxiety. The thoughts.
There are days I legitimately wish I could turn back time, and undue this decision. I don't regret it, I wouldn't actually change it, but when your days are being tracked on an app on your phone with daily updates, when you are going to numerous appointments, you become VERY aware of time. I am acutely aware that it's going to be a long time before it's just my husband and I ever. I am also aware of how inadequate I am to control the outcome of anything. I can only rest, eat as best as I can, and wait for this child to come. As my stomach grows, and mobility decreases I am so very aware of how helpless I am to do anything. I actually think it's part of the great design. I' not helpless to carry on with the everyday life, but I am helpless to change the actual outcome of this pregnancy. I can do all the spinning babies, hypnobirthing, breathing, I want, but I cannot control when Jack chooses to arrive. I can't choose if I sleep tonight or if I will be up numerous times after the dreams, to use the bathroom, or because the sciatic nerve flares up, much less choosing the day my baby is born, the manner in which he is born. NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME for just how helpless I would feel. And I am actually learning to embrace it. Momentarily, I am set free. I don't have to do anything else. Just be. It is slowly teaching me that I don't need to have expectations of my little guy. That he can grow and be who he was meant to be, who God is designing him to be without intense intervention from me. My husband can be who God has designed him to be, without me trying to control everything.

I have dreams for my family, but ultimately those dreams will only amount to something if I place them in the hand of God and let Him lead me.

This too shall pass

It's been nearly three months since I have blogged. Nearly three months, since I have taken them time to put my thoughts down on "paper" for others to read. To expose myself to others in a way that cannot be taken back. I'm not 100 % sure of the lapse in blogging, other then I've been busy. Between a new job, working with a church plant, graduate school, and a million other things, my heart has been cluttered, and my mind more so. A cluttered mind doesn't scare me, however, a cluttered heart does. I'm attempting to unclutter some of the things that are weighing me down. 

1) I'm learning just how vulnerable people with addictions are, and how it's one of the few diseases that infects just more then the person afflicted with it. I know far too many people who in the last year who have had to lay loved ones to rest as a result of addictions. I'm scared by that. I have someone who is very near and dear to me struggling with a serious addiction. It has changed thier personality. It has infiltrated the element of trust with all this person's relationships. Nothing is sacred. And we have all been affected. My heart aches knowing that the only help is for this person to want it. In the absolute least judgemental way possible this situation really does make me wonder about the cliche " Perhaps Christ lets us hit rock bottom, because He know's HE is the rock at the bottom. " My deepest prayer, and hearts desire is that this person would fight this addiction for themselves. That they would realize they are more then this, and not all is lost. That through a long fight and long journey that they too can overcome. Lord, I pray you protection and help on this person. I pray you begin to break the chains that bind. I pray for deep wisdom for all involved in helping when it's right and backing off when it's not. 

2) I feel like I am re-learning God's voice. I have always believed He loves me. I have even believed He has spoken to me. But right now, I'm in a place of re-learning a new method of communication with Him. This communication is trust. It is looking at my circumstances and choosing to believe that God is good, even when my circumstances shout at me otherwise. It is pushing forward and rememebering that God is not a man that He should lie. It is remembering and reminding myself time and again that there is no shadow of turning in Him. 

3) Education. Education of girls around the world. Education of women around the world. I have read the stories of the girls kidnapped by the Boko Haram terriosts. I have read the countless other stories in a book called "They Fight Like Soliders; They Die Like Children." I have recently read the articles surrounding Malala Yousafzai who was shot in the head for wanting to go to school. I re-read the Diary of Anne Frank and her & her sister continuing thier education in hiding from the Nazi's. I am beyond priviliged. I have never had to fight for my right to go to school. I hav grumbled and complained, but it's never been denied to me. What is it about an educated woman that scares men? What is it that has caused the slaughter, and rape of countless women across the GLOBE? Why hasn't it been stopped? I am tired of it. I am fighting against it in the only way I know right now, and that's in prayer. 

I am ready for the war on women to be over. " If ever there comes a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known" ---Matthew Arnold, found in Lisa Bevere's book "Lioness Arising" I am ready as a woman to stop participating in the war against women. I believe it starts with me. It starts with me seeking the face of my God each and every day, and asking Him what he has for me this day. It's me taking my dreams and not letting the world dictate them. It's me believing that I am a blood bought child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. It's me ending my insecurities when I see a woman walk in the room who is prettier then I am. It's me not judging women who a dressed a certain way and instead of showing them compassion I show them disdain and judgement. It's me not caring about the motives of other women towards those I love, and choosing to believe they are pure in thier motives. It's not being jealous when I see my sisters acheiving the things I want to acheive. 

I really am done continuing to agree with the enemy of my soul that says I am not good enough. I am done agreeing with the enemy of the souls of women world wide that want to keep them oppressed. How do I play my part and fight a war that has been waged since in the Garden?

I believe it's through prayer and choosing to believe that God loves me. It's not compromising my heart because this world has told me I should. It's by running 100 miles in 100 days and raising 100 dollars to supply meals for children caught up in trafficking along the boarder of Thailand and Burma. It's remembering that if I am taken out of the fight, that there's people behind me left vulnerable. It's choosing each day to live as though the Lord has a mission for me to spread his love. 

Father God, you know my deepest heart and deepest desires. You know the pain I fight with and the struggles I have. Please God be bigger then my fears. Please let me see you victorious in all these things. Be close to the broken hearted reading this tonight. Be with those who don't know what thier next steps are. Be kind to those who need you near tonight. Lord keep me humble. Keep me knowing and loving you. Draw my friends and family close to you. Break the chains that bind thier hearts. Amen.

Just as He Said

Today is Easter Sunday. Countless Christian's attended church across the USA. Plastic eggs have been hidden and found. Chocolate in mass quantities has been consumed. Families gathered and are still gathered. And I am sitting here reflecting on the Lord and His promises.

Promises are a hard thing for me to comprehend. I have had many promises broken to me, just as you have. It's easy to not be able to trust anyone or anything because of the sheer number of broken promises, dreams, and plans.

Luke 24 States that the women closest to Jesus, went looking for Him at the tomb. At the place He was buried. Ready to anoint His body wit spices. They had either forgotten He had told them He would rise again on the third day, or they didn't believe His promise to them. They just knew that they loved Him. And in love they wanted to serve Him by preparing His body and anointing Him. It was somehow better to be close to the dead Jesus, then to not be by Him at all.

However, when they got to the tomb they discovered it was empty. Yet it still didn't sink in. They where still confused. The angels spoke to them and reminded them " Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen! Just as He said He would."

Just as He said He would. Over the course of the next couple of days the risen and resurrected Christ would appear to over 500 witnesses! Just as He said He would.

I am so thankful for a God who can be trusted. Who looks our fear and unfaithfulness in the eye and appears before us. Just as He said He would. I wonder if He appeared to so many to cement His trustworthiness.

I struggle in believing God's promises to me. I struggle in believing God is really for me. My salvation is intact. I belive He loves me. I believe He died for me and rose again so I can be with Him in eternity, but it's the day to day care and promises I struggle with. I struggle with Him fulfilling specific plans He has spoken to me when they seem so distant and so far way. I'm in good company. I believe God today is looking at me and speaking to my heart and saying...I have risen. Just as I said I would. I see you and am working on your sitution, just as I said I would.

What about you? Do you have broken dreams, pieces of promises you are struggling with. That you think the Lord has forgotten about? If the darling of Heaven, can leave the comfort of the Heavenlies, be born of a Virgin, live a completely sinless life, die a sinners death, and rise again 3 days later, just as He said He would. What can he do with your prayers, and petitions? Jesus came to save the world, just as He said He would. Who are we to think that He won't fulfill His promises and plans to us, just as He said He would? If He can save the world through one great, glorious act. If He can redeem us all. If He can take back the keys of death, Hades, and the grave. My friends, He can take control of your situation as well.

Lord, forgive my unbelief. Forgive my double mindedness. I press into you. I ask for you to work in the situations that feed on my delicate, heart. God, I ask for you to fulfill the unspoken promises that I hold so close to my heart. The promises I have laid at your feet. Please work, and hold me close just as you said you would. I thank you Lord that you overcame darkness. That the enemy of this world has lost his power, and nothing could hold you back. You my Lord, are the risen King. I trust you with my whole life. Surround me in your presence and light and truth. You are a good and merciful God. Amen.

Jesus Wept

We love you because you first loved us (1 John 4:19)

Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31)

This living and loving. This being of the Gospel. This becoming like you, requires us, no requires me to love first. To hold out that olive branch. To jump in to take the risk. To love first. To not know if the other person will respond in kind. To lay aside my prejudice, to lay aside my mind.

Is this why you wept? You knew. You knew, my Lord and my God, that you are the solution. The yes and the Amen. The Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. You where, and you are, and you will always be the answer, the solution, the great longing met, the souls precious treasure. You’d extend it freely, at no cost to us other than acceptance.  The cost to you…the cost to you, far too great to measure. This leaving of the grandeur and the Holiness of the Heavenlies.  You left playing among the stars, for dirt, and thirst. Whips, and tears. Tired sighs. And hunger.

All in an effort to woo. To romance through the sacrifice, to win us back to the Father’s heart. To win our hearts and claim us as your own. And what have we done with your gift? We’ve rejected it. Swatted it from your hands. We wouldn’t see what you were offering in pure and beautiful simplicity. This treasure for our hearts. The invitation handed to us from the grace-filled hands, and healing gaze. The gift to be, our truest selves, that which you created. The Creator rejected by the created ones.

Rejecting the only thing our souls need. We would nail you there in our depravity, so unaware. Unaware of the torn flesh and blood spilt on our behalf. Unaware for the first time, the Father would turn His face from You. The darling of Heaven.

This is why you wept. You too knew we would face the rejection. The batting away of our love, the walls we would build back up around us. The hurt we would feel as we reject each other. The pain we would cause one another. You bore it all. You held it all there. On that cross. You broke it all. You healed it all. You overcame it all.

This precious sacrifice which you made for me. This need for you which should cause me to break every wall. You took the risk on me. I will take a risk. I will bear the cross you’ve called me to. The beginning of the loving, is the breaking. The most broken of the hearts, are the ones who have loved the most. Risked the most. Sought you the most.  This is why you wept. Not from the rejection you felt, but for the rejection you know I would feel. The breaking that began in me the day we met. The breaking that scares and scars. That brings me to my knees. That requires me to meet you in the dead of the night, to search you in the throne room. The breaking of these walls I’ve set against those you love. The breaking of these walls I’ve set against you. The rejecting of the truest self you’ve created in me.

You wept because you knew every effort I would take to protect against, the agony, to protect against, humanity, to protect against the becoming, to protect, against the breaking. Is this what was in the cup you begged the Father to remove from you?

Father God. My Beloved. You paid it all. You paid it all. The cost too far for me to count. I press on. I move into your embrace. I ask you to brush me off and show me how to love again. To become closer to the truest self.

Beauty from the Ashes

I have sat on this particular post for a few weeks. I have never jotted down notes when I blog to figure out what I want to say. I don't really often think through what I am going to write. Instead, I write for the simple therapy of it. This is different. I have jotted down notes, I have thought it through, I have prayed over it. What you are about to read is sacred to me. It's holy ground in a sense. I'm not sure I can do it justice.

Deep Cries Out to Deep

She walked in the room with a poise and grace I have never seen before, yet there was a deep vulnerability that consumed me as she sat down. The vulnerability radiated all around her, it permeated the air, and fell heavily upon me. As she sat at the table across from me, I couldn't help but realize I was about to embark on holy ground. Just as Moses was instructed to remover his sandals, I knew I need to remove a peice of myself before we began the interview. Any preconceived notions I had about how this was going to play out, or what course the conversation was going to take, needed to be removed, and very quickly.

We will call her Grace. It seems appropriate after learning all she had been thorugh and still carried herself with dignity and respect. Grace was just like any other teenager growing up in her small apartment in with her single mother in a small town in Minnesota . She had friends, she laughed, and she had crushes on celebrities as is a tried and true right into the world of teenagers. Being from a single parent household money was always tight, but they had shelter, and food, and heat in the winter. There wasn't a lot left over for extras but it never mattered much to Grace.

One cold particular rainy day, that's when things changed. She came home to discover her mom's new boyfriends coat hanging up on the hook in the hallway. She wasn't a fan of this new beau. There was something about his smile that left Grace feeling unnerved. He offered lot's of promises of a new and better life, but there seemed to be binding strings attached to each one. His appearance didn't seem convey the money and affluent lifestyle he talked about concerning his job and the financial gains he had.

As Grace grabbed a few crackers and a handful of grapes she sat down on the couch waiting for her mom and this man to emerge from the bedroom. She turned the TV up so she could drown out the intimate sounds coming from the hallway. She never made it through the sitcom. This new boyfriend with the leering smile, emerged took one look at her sitting on the couch, and dragged her back to her bedroom. Her called it her intiation into the game. From that day forward he would have his way with her body, and bring countless men over to do the same. He walked her to school, and would breath down her neck threats of how he would kill her and her mother and it would be her fault if she dared breath a word to anyone. After the terror she experienced at his hands she believed him.  He was there when she was done with school. her chances for escape where narrow and she believed she had no choices except to continue on.

The profits he made from her, she never saw a dime. Neither did her mother.

Nearly 19 months after it all began he was arrested on drug charges, while spending the few days in jail, thats when she made her escape. She told the school social worker. She showed the principal her bruises that she had always hidden with baggy sweatshirts and long pants. Less then a week later she was removed from her home.

Grace has only seen her mother once since she was removed. Her mother refused to press charges on the man, and told Grace she should have kept quiet.

While recounting her story Grace never once wavered. Her voice never once quaked. No tears shown from her eyes as she looked at me from across that walnut covered table. Behind her eyes was a fierceness that was beyond her years.

I asked her what she felt people needed to now about her story, that could help them. She stared down at the table, for a long moment. Looking up, she said, "To fight. Sometimes fighting to survive is all you have. It's all I had. Fight." Then the tears broke. My own heart ached.

Grace calmed down and said, " They tried to break me. They almost won, but each night when everything was over, instead of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself, I told myself, I still had the choice to live. I still had the choice to learn. I still had the choice to breath. They couldn't take that from me. Since, being away from that situation and getting her four year degree in psychology. I have learned one more thing, that I still have the choice to love. I can love the people around me, I can love a great big God who protected me, and I can love the hurting. That's another thing they couldn't take from me. If they did they win. They don't get to choose the condition of my soul."

Moving Forward

Grace is currently enrolled in a graduate program to do grief and truama counseling. She will graduate this Spring. She spends weekends serving at the coffee bar at her local church and reading to children in a shelter for abused women and kids.

After speaking with Grace, I couldn't help but evaluate my own life some. Do I freely love the way Grace does? Do I love inspite of hurt I have experienced? Do I trust God the way Grace does? Am I vulnerable to those around me?

Grace exhibits the unbreakableness of the human spirit when faith and love are exercised within.

Weep with those who weep: Share Experiences

It's been awhile...

It's been a while since I have written, and it has been a concious effort to NOT write. I have been working through somethings, and the last thing I wanted to do was write for the public out of a place of hurt, or a place of bitterness, or a place of anger. However, I feel like it's out of that hurt, bitterness, and anger that God is moving in my life. I'm okay with that.

Quick Recap:
My mom has been sick. Very sick. Massive surgeries, losing vision, losing toes, and losing the love of her life very unexpectedly. The man who raised me, my step-dad Bruce, is also very sick, the VA is thinking cancer, dementia has set in, and pain is there. One family member fights a battle against addiction. My job situation drastically changed, my relationship situation drastically changed. People who had said they cared where suddenly MIA. Friends stopped calling etc. Life was one BIG ball of stress, and I felt it in my back, in my shoulders, in my jaw, in my hip, and in my tears.

Moving Forward:
I'm better. I am no longer stressed. I am no longer in tears every day over these things. I still hurt over them once in awhile, but events have a way of passing, and these ones will too. However, I am changed. I think about the language we use a Christians, as the church and wonder if we are helping, or hurting with the things we say.

"God will never give you more then you can handle."---FALSE. The Bible never ever says that. If that was true, explain Auschwitz. Explain the millions of girls being raped every single day across the globe. Explain why children get beaten to death by those who are meant to protect them.

"Everything is GREAT. My family is healthy, and perfect, and we have great jobs. God has blessed us because He loves us." So....those who have family that  isn't healthy? Are we saying that  God, isn't blessing them because He doesn't love them? Those INCREDIBLE HARD WORKING men who are talented and excel in their career, but lost jobs due to unforseen circumstance...God's holding back blessings from them, because they are bad? What about those struggling and fighting mental illness? Is there a form of sin in their lives.

"Pray about it. You will get an answer. God ALWAYS answers." What if they have prayed about it, and God has remain SILENT? What about those people who just do not have the strength in themselves to pray another prayer, because they don't have the faith that God can answer.

Real Talk
Don't for two seconds think that my faith in any of the above circumstances has wavered. I believe with all my heart and soul that God can turn around any situation in any moment, and that is that. Sometimes though our words hurt, those struggling so much more then we know, and they suffer in silence. Let's set one thing straight right now...You may have your dream job, your dream house, your dream spouse, you dream life. God may have paved the way for you to get it. You may have a miracle baby and child on your hands, and I am so incredibly happy for you. I rejoice at your blessings, but don't you for two seconds think that because someone doesn't have those things that they aren't blessed. God just has something different for them, a different understanding of life He wants to give them.

Take a moment. Count all your blessings. Thank God for every single one of them. Make the list: family, friends, wellness, health, jobs, food, breath, now....imagine this, every single thing on that list is gone. Taken away. Tragically, suddenly, or even ceases to ever have existed.

Are you still blessed?

Let's be careful what we say. We don't know who we are hurting. Your brand new home may be beautiful, but to the husband who just signed foreclosure papers, he's blessed too. Even if you or him can't see it. You brand new baby is gorgeous, but what about the woman who can't have children. By saying, "I am blessed." May just speak the message to the barren woman: You are not blessed. God does not love you, because you cannot have children.

The very fact that we have breath. The very fact that we can have life. The very fact that God has chosen us. That makes us blessed.

Take a few moments this week to fulfill the second half of the command: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Stop telling people to get over it. Stop telling people to pray about it. Stop telling people to give it to God. Roll up your sleeves, and get in the mess with them. Set down your agenda for Sunday morning, and weep with them at the altar. Put a hand on thier shoulder and look them in the eye and ask what is going on. 

Weep with those who weep. The is such beauty in shared experiences.

When it Feels Like Everything is Caving In: Where Does my Help Come From?

I apologize now, that this entry has nothing to do with fitness, or health, or wellness. I apologize if it's going to come across angry and bitter, or even hurt. But the honest truth, is I am hurting. A lot. And this is my blog, so I can write about whatever I want. And I shouldn't feel the need to to apologize for it, but I am.

Life

These last few months have been hard. I have confronted areas of my past that I have wanted to leave untouched. My relationship fell apart and I still don't understand fully what happened, or what I could have done different. I have battled some intense physical battles, and a few viruses. I am grieving alongside my mother who lost her soul-mate, the person she called the love of her life, and has faced some major surgeries, and illnesses herself. I am watching from the side-lines as a beloved family member walks through the pain of his own relationship falling apart, and walking through the brave steps of rehab. I feel attacked in every single area: career, relationships, family, personal...You name it I have faced a struggle or battle in it.

Don't get me wrong I have faced way harder things before. Bigger more life altering news, much much more difficult situations. And I know I have come out on the otherside. And it's been okay. I just don't understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.

For every single question I dare ask: Is it me? What have I done wrong? Is this a spiritual attack? What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to feel? What the heck am I doing? Why does life hurt so much sometimes? How is it possible I have any tears left? Am I hiding? Who can I turn to in these moments? Am I making poor choices? Do I own thse decisions? And so on and so on...every question I ask breeds two or three more questions. And every person I talk to gives conflicting advice.

The Advice

You're doing just fine! You got this! You need to examine your own heart because clearly something is wrong. What did you do to cause THAT to happen? This isn't you, it's them. You should be nicer. You're being too nice. You can't hold so strongly to your opinions. You need own your opinions.

And I am sincerely just confused, and hurting. I hate being weak. I hate admitting, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I hate that every single situation is beyone my control. I can't turn back the clock. I can't take back words that have spoken by me or others. I can't reverse decisions of the past. I can't heal broken bodies or broken hearts. I can't raise loved ones from the dead. I am at a loss. And it's heartbreaking.

The Truth and the Choice

While, I can't do any of the above, and I am at a loss. I am found in a place that only God can reach me in. I'm not trying to be overly spiritual...most days I don't feel spiritual at all. There's nothing spiritual about questioning everything. There's nothing Christ-like about crying myself to sleep every single night. There's amazing about knowing that in and of myself, I don't have the strength to face the next day, and only through Christ can I make it. 

One minute I lay down every situation to God in prayer. The next I'm hurting in a new way over it. The next day, I know that God helped me through yesterday, but I am just not quite sure I will make it through today. I remind myself daily, that when striving (aka: me trying to fix things) ceases, that is when God's strength is made new in my life. I remind myself several times a day that I need to again, ask God to help me trust Him. I read and pray that scripture time and time again: Even when I am faithless, God you are faithful. If I wait on the Lord, you will renew my strength. I will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint. 

The only consoling thought in all of this is: I have a choice. I can cash in, I can throw in the towel. I can walk away from God. I can stop trying to trust people. I can give up and just exists...or...I can keep praying. I can keep asking God for help. I can keep being messy and fall seven times, what matters is I ask God to help me up the eighth time. I can say with all confidence that this to shall pass.

It will hurt until it does pass. It will seem overwhelming, and earth-shattering sometimes, but by the Grace of God the mountains will crumble. I do not have to bow down to despair, I can put my faith and trust and hope in something bigger then myself. Christ can meet those things. I know He can, and even when I fail to recognize that, even when I fail to see His hand on my life, I can be certain that He has not left me. 

Father God, I just desperately need you. I need hope. I need strength. I need you to meet me where I am at. My heart is hurting. I need you. Can you hear the cries of your servant? Please listen to them Father. Please heal my broken heart. Please keep me close. Without you God, I couldn't take my next breath. I thank you that you know all things. That you are leading me and guiding me, and sometimes just straight up carrying me through things. I trust that you are Jehovah Jirah. I trust that the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, the Father of the Christ, is still active in my life today. God please move. Please help me to keep coming to you and putting my trust and hope in all that you have for me, and those I love. God, please protect my loved ones. Those who's hearts are far from you, those who know you well, be with them. Guide them and carry them. Father, even in the hurt I say thank you for the pain. The pain lets me know that my love for others is real. It lets me know that I am still alive and still fighting. It gives me a small glimpse into the agony you must feel when your children, YOUR CREATION, turn away from you, it's a tiny small glimpse, and so dim, but I am still thankful that you created me in your image. In your image I was created to feel things: love, joy, happiness, peace, pain, hurt, grief, and sadness. By being created in your image I must remember there is a time for all things. A time for joy and gladness. A time for healing and a time for peace. But in that there is also a time for weeping and mourning. There is a time for pain. You bring the bitter with the sweet. I choose trust again today Oh Lord, and Father if there is any wicked way within my heart show it to me. Reveal it so I may be found in you. Please take care of me Abba God. Amen

I'm Just a Girl

I'm Just a Girl.

I find myself saying that a lot. I get into a discussion with a friend, and I cry. I put on a fake smile, shake my head, and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just being a girl." Or I deeply feel compassion for someone, really and truly am excited at their great news, whatever it is: engagement, upcoming birth, new promotion at work, etc. and the tears come then too. Again, I shake my head and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Or the stress of the day is too much: failed decisions, minor mistakes made, burning the pan yet again while cooking dinner. I get upset. I have an emotional outburst and again, the head shake and the "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Why the need to apologize or offer my feminity as an excuse?

This journey this health and wellness journey has morphed and evolved into something that I never ever saw coming. I have confronted deep fears, I have failed more times then I can count, I have cried way more than my fair share of tears, I have seen countless victories, I have run further than I thought possible, and I have tried new exercises that I thought there is no way I can do that. I have used my excuse: I can't do that, I'm just a girl, more times than I care to admit. This journey isn't about just physical health. It's been a spiritual journey, and an emotional healing journey. 

I'm not afraid to admit that since losing my job a week ago, I have felt lost, fusturated, and confused. Somehow without realizing it, my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing. I keep falling into that trap of life over and over again. I start off doing something because I want God to shine through and be lifted up, and instead find myself hoping my efforts would shine through instea. Being an emotional eater, and hating to cook, I have gone to Chipotle more times then I care to admit, and I have eaten odd combinations of foods when I am just bored, peanut butter & baby carrots, anyone?. I can't help it. I'm just a girl. I'm wired for relationship. I'm wired to need people. I'm wired to care what they think. I'm wired to cry when I am upset, or happy, or thinking, or confused, or...you get the picture. 

But God is showing me that I am exactly who He created me to be, and it's perfectly okay. I AM A GIRL. And therefore it's okay to act like one. It's okay to cry at the loss of things I love. It's okay to modify my workouts, because lets face it: I am just built physically different then a guy. I embrace the fact that I love people without reservation...once I've decided to let them in. I don't ever unlove someone. Ever. No matter what. It's acceptable and should be celebrated that I can feel so much for those around me that their life situations reduce me to tears sometimes. When my friend announced that the adoption they've been praying for is final. I cried. Great big tears. When my other friend shared a deep personal family struggle, and I prayed, for her as if it was my own burden, it's to be celebrated. 

Being a girl is hard work. Being a girl from a divorced home, with a history of alcoholism, and sexual abuse, is even harder work. The lies of our culture tell us how to dress to be accepted, how to act to be loved, and to throw away your self-respect to make it in this world. Throw in HUGE trust issues, a few broken relationships, and the receipe is hard. Forgiveness has been key.  I have had to forgive people who have hurt me, I have had to forgive God for letting me be hurt, and most of all I have had to forgive myself. And that's been hardest of all.

Each day, I strap on those running shoes, each blog I write. Every time I set down the chips and pick up the celery, every time I meal plan. I can feel the weight of the past dripping away. The emotional weight, the weight of sin, the weight of hurt...clunk, clunk, clunk. At first believing I deserved it came only through pain...bloody chunk by bloody chunk. As I have progressed on this journey of grace, love, health, and spiritual healing, it has started to come softer, quieter, more of a steady stream of healing. It hurts less.

Just Do It. To anyone who wonders if they have the strength to look at thier past and make an honest evaluation of it. To anyone who wonders if remaining locked up inside yourself is more painful than dealing with the issues. To anyone who is afraid to challenge themselves physically. My advice...is just do it. Begin somewhere. In a year from now, you will thank yourself for starting. I don't want to be in this same place in a year from now. And I won't be. By God's grace He has made me just one of the girls. I am human. I make mistakes. I am ordinary, and altogether extraordinary. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or angry. I pray often and loudly. I am crazy enough to believe God speaks to me, and crazier enough to act on it when He does. I judge quickly, but apologize even faster. I'm not afraid of being just a girl anymore. I am exactly who God created for me to be. Mistakes, identity issues, blood, sweat, tears and all.

Choices: Food Choices, Emotional Eating, and God's Plan

I heard a speaker in church awhile back talk about how she built thankfulness into her boys. She talked about how when they where low on money, and the only food in the house was a box of pancake mix and a box of noodles, she sat her boys down and prayed: "Thank you God that we have choices." The choices weren't plentiful, but they had a choice. I think about that statement often. Am I thankful for the things in my life? Do I praise God for the fact that I have choices? The answer, the very honest answer is: NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.

I like things neat and orderly in life. I like to make lists, and I like knowing the next step. I want this health and wellness journey I am am to be free of set backs. I want to know exactly what food choices I should make. Is it better to eat a plate of grain-free waffles, with raw honey, peanut butter and apples slices for breakfast, or is two eggs scrambled with tukey nitrate-free bacon and a small glass of freshly juiced juice better for me? Would I get more impact from running intervals and staying in the "fat-burning" zone be a good choice today, or should I take build up my cardio endurance and go all out? It can be an entirely daunting task. But...one that I am so very grateful to be able to take on. I am glad that, my eyes where opened to the truth that changes needed to be made, so I could realize the strength and physical things my body is able to acheive. I'm incredibly in awe of the fact that, God has given me the ability to reason through these "problems" and has provided for a way for them to be solved. Not every decision is an easy one. The solutions aren't always aparent, the facts need to be sorted through. Sometimes mistakes are made...that brownie & ice cream I had the other day. Delicious, but I certainly regretted it the next morning when my hands where puffy from the dairy and I couldn't put my favorite ring on, and I was irritable from the sugar crash.

But that isn't the end of the story. One mistake doesn't end everything, nor does it negate all the progress that has been made. Just because something is hard to do, doesn't mean it's not worth it.

God Speaks

I saw a documentary recently called the Gift of Pain. It was really really eye opening. It talked about how Christians sometimes have a harder time accepting and recovering from suffering, trials, and pain because they have chosen to believe the lie that if they are believers, pain won't and can't touch them. Christians mistakenly believe that if you're following God and are in His plan then things will go perfectly, and easily. The documentary, followed a doctor who works in the leper colonies of India. The fact that his patients cannot feel pain, is the very thing that is killing them.

A simple cut on my hand, stings. It causes pain. I know something is wrong or is amiss. I can wash it out, and apply an antibacterial agent, and place a bandaid on it, to prevent infection from getting in. A simple cut on a lepers hand, if left untreated can cause, gangrene, infections, and more. When put in that perspective pain is a blessing.

When I work out hard, and move my body in such a way that is improper form, pain will shoot through my body letting me know something is wrong, and I need to adjust. I have begun to learn that there is a difference in being sore from working out, and being in pain. Pain indicates something is wrong. Soreness is an indicator, that I was working and doing something right.

I believe that God speaks to us through pain. I believe that He even sometimes allows it, to let us know something is wrong and off course. And we need to adjust.

God's Plan

How many times have I gone to God, and been upset or angry, because I feel like He promised me something and it's not happening. Or there is a painful season in my life...and therefore He's not there, because if this was His plan, it wouldn't hurt so much. I think I have it all wrong.

I don't think I need to be suffering for God to be at work. But...the absence of pain or hardship doesn't indicate this path is His plan. The Isrealites, faced obstacles. They faced pain. They faced hardship on thier way to the Promised Land. It got so difficult in thier minds that they: LONGED TO GO BACK TO EGYPT. That blows me away!!! They longed to go back to a place of slavery, and captivity. Did pain, hardship, etc mean they weren't on the very path God had for them?

NO...in fact I believe it was a very real indicator that they where exactly where God wanted them. He was taking them on a path to get the Egypt out of them, so they could thrive in the Promised Land. Maybe, just maybe pain, hardship, hurt...maybe those are indicators in our lives that God is at work. Maybe it means that we are on the right path towards victory. Perhaps, the Devil is scared that when we reached the Promised Land of our lives we will never ever want to leave. He's scared that when we come face to face with God's sovereign plan for our lives, we will have victory, and will no longer bow down to sin, fear, hatred, or evil.

Maybe hardship means we are on the right road. Giving everything up and offering a sacrifice of honest praise in the midst of a battle, offering praise in the face of fear, giving a shout of victory when all hope seems lost, is what wins the battle.

Refusing to Bow to Doubt

I believe I can be healthy. I believe I can be whole. I believe I can overcome my fears. I believe I can face the past pain, and release those who have hurt me. Is it easy? No. But is it God's plan. Yes. Absolutely yes.

When waiting for God to fulfill His promises to me, I can believe that God answers prayers. When doubt about if I am on the right path creeps in, I will refuse to give into fear. I will choose to praise God in the storm. I can cast all my fears and anxieties on Him. He will be faithful to answer. He will make all things beautiful in His time.

God, thank you. Thank you for choices. Thank you for life. Thank you for pain that leads me to You. God, thank you that you are guiding me. That not for one moment has you presence left me. God, you are good. You give me comfort when there shouldn't be any. You give me peace when the storms of life rage. You give me blessings where I deserve none. You give me victory that I haven't earned. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Label Reading: We read labels on more than just food.

So...I met a new friend this week. I went for my run the other evening, and literally ran into Linda. I run at a gorgeous nature sanctuary near my house, and have seen Linda a few times. Linda is obviously special needs of some kind, and typically wears braces on her legs, but she is one determined lady. Linda can outrun me any day. And often laps me on the trails. She's an inspiration to me and motivation to keep going on this journey. My excuses are entirely invalid compared to any she might have. Like I was saying, I literally ran into her yesterday. I came around a blind curve and so did she at the exact moment, and she feel down. Of course I stopped and helped her up. I guided her to the nearest bench that was conveinantly placed thier for all the nature observers. At that moment I knew I was about to have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER. Those moments that you can't orchestrate, but God can, and does. I sat with Linda for sometime, and asked her if there was any way I could help her.

She said no, she just needed to catch her breath, and that she would be okay. We began to talk. She shared with me that she was training to run a 5k to raise money for Special Olympics. At first I misunderstood her and thought she was running a 5k IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, but she rest assured me, she was just raising money for it. I asked her what inspired her to do that, and she said, "Because people need help, and I can help." I was simply blown away. How often does someone need help, and I can help, but I don't help? I am too busy and don't even bother to offer.

Linda shared with me her official diagnoises, and I honestly can't remember it. It doesn't matter to me, all that matters is she is a dear soul who is offering help to others around her. She asked me for my phone number so she could call me to "train" with me. I gave it to this beautiful soul and am looking forward to her phone call, or looking forward to running into her again.

Days later as I reflect on this encounter, and after several conversations about other labels we put on people, I am humbled.  No doubt you have seen the 23 True Reasons I know I am an Introvert articles floating around. No doubt you have seen the Extroverts Revealed articles on FB. Step into any corporate setting and it's not long before you are asked to take a strengths finder test. Step into any interview and they ask: What are your top strenghts? What are your top weakness? As if two simple questions can sum up all your assets to the company. Walk around in the church world for long enough and surely you will be asked to take a spiritual gifts inventory. All tools to sum us up as a human being.

Linda is much much more then her diagnoises, just as I am much much more then any label that's placed on me. I've gotten some funny ones lately. Comments range from, "Oh you use essential oils, you must be one of those granola girls." "You actually ENJOY running? Like you actually ENJOY it...You must be a glutton for punishment." "You need down time, and alone time, are you one of those introverted hermit types?" And the list goes on and on. You know what bugs me about all the articles that describe labels? All the inventory tests? All the strengths lists? None of them sum up a person.

You can take my list of strengths: responsibility, intellection, administration. You can take my basic personality type: Introveret. You can take my temperment: Meloncholy Choleric You can take my spiritual gifts: Pastoral, Wisdom, Prophetic, Administration, & Discernment. You can take my INJT profile...and guess what NONE OF THEM SUM UP ME. You won't know the experiences I walk through. You won't know that despite being what most think of as an introvert, that I desperately need people. I need to talk out my thoughts, I need to feel validated, I need to connect. You don't know my deepest thoughts. You don't know my heart on a topic. You don't know that there are times, I am completely sanguine and extroverted. How dare you sum me up by those labels...

Better yet, how dare I sum you up by them either. You see, I am a little too quick to judge based on previous experiences. I am terrified of being hurt again by people that I tend to shy away, a lot. I can't for the life of me know if you cried when you watch Titanic or Step-Mom for the first time. I can't know if you find Friends just as funny as I do, or if you sit in church each Sunday wondering if it's all real. I don't know from looking at those labels or prejudgements if you've healed from those experiences, or if they have rolled off your back like water off a duck. I can't know the struggles you struggle with in silence and I certainly don't know your victories. And I am deeply affected by that. I am in awe of the thought that you are more then what you present.

Those labels leave no room for love to move. They leave no room for the Holy Spirit to be. I may not feel like sitting and chatting with the Linda's in my life, but you know what...because of love, I will. And I am better for it. I may not feel like forgiving an individual for thier actions, but you know what, because of pure love, I will. When we get beyond labels, we can truly love. And the greatest commandment is to love. Simply love. Love God with your whole heart and soul, and love people as yourself. Love sums up the whole gospel. I like that.

I knew this health and wellness journey would open up a whole new world to me. I just didn't expect it to be so spiritual. I didn't expect to meet a Linda. And I certainly didn't expect to abhor labels. I thought labels on food items where a good thing. Something that points out the ingredients, and let's you know what you're putting in your body. As I travel along, I am learning food that has labels, is not something I want. I want fresh, natural, unlabeled food. Food that is pure and natural. Food that good intended to bring nurioushment and health to me. Food that in it's purest form is edible without processing. Carrots don't need a label to be sold. An apple doesn't need a label to be eaten.

I want my food the same way I want my relationships. Free from labels. Free from definitions. Freedom to simply be the way God intended for you to be, and free to simply be the way God intended me to be.

Father God, I come to you in the form of my truest self. I give you my heart. The good, the bad, the shameful things, the broken things, the beauty only you see. And Father, I ask for a freedom in my life to be. I ask for a freedom in my life to love others. To see them as they truly are, the way you intended for them to be. Free from pressures that are trying to process them into the people the world wants to make them, and not who you intended them to be.God move. Help my heart to be unhindered.

Running for a Cause: Venture Expeditions Ending Human Trafficking

I have officially signed up for my second 5k. My goal is to just beat the time of my first 5k, and my first 5k my goal was to just do it!

October 26, 2013 I will be running in the Monster Dash. I am excited and nervous. It can be cold or hot in October here in MN...and I am not a fan of running in either of those conditions outside.

However, I am mostly excited. I am running this race in honor of Venture Expeditions. Venture is an organization that raises money to end human trafficking. Something is I entirely passionate about. When I began this wellness journey, I didn't want it to be just about me. I wanted it to be about something bigger than myself, and it would help others. This is just the begining. 

I am really excited that I can run 3.1 miles. I know for some of you avid runners that seems like a short distance, but I know that less than two years ago, it seemed impossible. In training for this, I hit a wall every single time I hit just the two mile mark, and the last mile seems like it will never come. I am working hard on pushing through that wall.

This is probably one of the more exciting things that have happened on this journey, being able to say that I am running for such a great cause. It makes me thrilled to be able to have the oppourtunity. I think about those girls who are caught up in sex slavery and  do not have the chance to run, or have meals to eat, or have any freedom to even take a walk. There's something about this that seems like it has come full circle. 

What I experienced growing up was by no means the horror they are walking through, but it was a severe form of injustice. If the mere $500 I set out to raise on this journey can help even one girl be rescued or prevented from being abused, then it's worth it. I honestly feel like breaking my food addiction that resulted from being abused, and being able to run a race to fight that very same kind of abuse, does something to the kingdom of darkness. 

Each step I run pounds the evil and the atrocity in the face, and helps me gain one more step towards my own freedom from the past. 

Yes I am running for those caught in human trafficking. Yes I am running for me. But most importantly, I am running to overcome evil and oppression. 

If you choose to donate you can follow this link & learn more about my fundraiser and more about Venture Expeditions. Thank you for your consideration. https://ventureexpeditions.dntly.com/donations/new?campaign_id=718&fundraiser_id=1617

As always Father God, the glory from this journey goes to you. You are the author and finisher of my faith. While I am far from finished, I thank you God that you have brought me this far. You have given me more hope than I ever thought possible. You have given me a new perspective on this thing. Thank you that the last two days have been lighter and more managable. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you Lord that with you, chains are broken. Lives are healed, and lives are redeemed. Lord bring comfort to the hurting tonight. Bring healing to the brokeness. Here in America, and across the world God. Oppression is not of you, in you there is freedom and life. Thank you for guiding me into grace filled life and breath. You are only good Lord. You are only good. Amen.

"You're the God of New Beginings"

Celebration

At the doctors office this week, I discovered I reached a milestone, one that is worth celebrating, even if it's only privately. I am officially under the 200 lbs mark on this journey. My blood pressure was healthier than it's ever been. To me those are things worth celebrating! I can be proud of myself for those accomplishments. I did it and no one can take that away from me.

Humanely speaking...

I have been told I am often too serious...which is entirely true. Therefore celebrating seems silly. But, today is marking a day of new beginings! I have made no bones about how hard this journey has been. I think today calls for a day of celebration. I need to start focusing on the positives, and break the cycle of negative thinking. Harder said then done, but worth it.

1. I am thankful for the fact that I can literally feel my body getting stronger. I know not every single person on the planet has the ability to run. I may be slow, but I have the ability. That is something to celebrate.

2. I am thankful that there is a massive support system when it comes to eating better. All I have to do is fire up google and I can find receipes, nutrition tips and ideas, and places where real food is on sale. I belong to several groups on FB that give ideas for better living, and I can ask questions of.

3. God hasn't left me on this journey. Every single step of my life has been ordered by the Lord. Nothing I have experienced has been in vain. God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am in constant need to remember this. I will remind myself of this daily.

4. My Diet Coke addiction is successfully broken. I no longer need a fizzy drink to make it through the day. I no longer reach for coffee or a Diet Coke 30 minutes after lunch to make it through the day. I haven't had a headache in over three weeks.

...it is impossible...

Things seem clouded all the time lately. Am I getting enough nutrients? Was that a good purchase of for food? Should I have had those two extra bites after not feel hungry anymore? When faced with all the information available and taking my own emotions into account, at the begining this journey seemed foolish, and impossible. I do believe in my own strength it was.

But with God...

All things are possible. That is the promise and hope I am clinging too. I am going to make mistakes on this journey called life. But that's okay. As I continue on this wellness lifestyle, I am going to make mistakes. But that's okay. I serve a God who is in the business of forgiving and making mistakes right. He pours out grace and strength and possibilities when there seems to be no way.

All things are possible.

I know I can set goals. I know that if I continue to work that in 8 months from now, I can be at my ideal weight. I know that if I continue to research new ideas I can make the health changes necessary to support my food allergies. I know that no matter what my test results say from a doctor those aren't the end results. My feelings of laziness and apathy, and anger towards myself for being here are able to be overcome.

God, you are the God of new beginings. Please continue to show me yourself on this journey. I am sorry for being so down and hard on myself. I am sorry for not properly loving myself the way I should. Would you please continue to show me what I am supposed to do? Will you continue to give me light for my path? God, I do love you. I love that you love me with an everlasting love. I love that there is so much grace for the moment, and that you have literally given me the breath that I need to breathe each day. In you God there is only life. In fact your word claims that you have come so that I may have life, and have it in abundance. God, would you show me what abundant life means? Would you give me grace for today?

End of the Rope

Cross Fit
Today I survived my first ever cross-fit work out. I sat through and explanation of what cross-fit is and I still don't have a clue, other then...it's real movements for real life. I was nervous!!! Very very nervous. I spent some time losing sleep over it, because I have seen really fit people, say cross-fit kicked thier butt. I have heard of HERO work-outs named after fallen military combantants that cross-fit uses. I am not military comnantant material. But I was determined to do it. Just to say I tried.

It wasn't terrible, it was actually manageable, but man alive...was I ever hungry afterwards. All I wanted to do was eat a cow. Seriously, I want to eat a bunch of greasy protein quickly. I guess that's why cross-fit works. It ramps up your metabolism so you are continuing to burn calories long after you work out. I think that's cool and definitely and added benefit. I was awesome to pour out all my stress in something physical.

There have been moments this week that I haven't been sure how I was going to make it through the end of this week. There have been moments this week that I have spiritually and mentally reached the end of my rope. All I can keep thinking is, TIE A NOTE IN THAT ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GOD IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU.

I realize I have been focusing on all I don't have right now. I haven't been able to help myself feel positive at all. This journey is hard work. I am working on healing my body physically, but the emotional attack is right there. Pounding away at me...and it's been pounding harder this week then it has in a long time. I've had some dark thoughts this week. Thoughts that are really hard to see the truth in.

Things to the effect of: why try and and heal. You're just going to keep messing up anyways. Physically you may heal, but you're still an emotional wreak. You can't really do this, so stop trying to pretend you're something you're not. All you are is a quitter. All lies, lies, lies, and more lies.

Truth is my heart does hurt. It is damaged in a lot of places. Some are obvious, others are hidden. There has been a lot of healing over my heart in the last few years, and for that I am greatful, but I think this journey is begining to expose the deeper areas.

I was watching Extreme Makeover this week, and I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I know what that girl was going through. As she cried because she had no one to talk to or understand what she was going through. I am not experiencing anything like an eating disorder, but I do know what it feels like to feel all alone.

I have felt alone more times then I can count lately. I feel like I am walking a desolte desert and there is no one to see me, or journey with me. All I have to rely on is myself, and I have already let myself down one too many times.

I am angry at myself over my current health situation. If the biopsy reveals it is ulcers, then it means I have not been managing stress well. If it's the worse possible scenario and it's cancer, then it means I have been filling my body with toxins for too long.

Then I Think Clearly
Then there are the rare but beauty-filled moments that truth wins out. These moments are like taking a cool long drink after being so parched. I can be gentle with myself, and remind myself, that there was no other coping mechanism as a child. The only source of comfort I had was food, and my books. That when I look at the fact that sometimes I am terrfied to open up to people and let them in, it's not without really good reasons. That I can be quite proud of that little girl who survived some of the darkest moments anyone has ever had to walk through. The moments that I know Jesus was with me protecting me, and not allowing the abuse to get worse. The moments when I would lay in bed at night begging for the abuser to be too drunk or high to come in and "tuck me in". I don't know why I turned to food. Perhaps because it was constant. Perhaps because it was comforting. I just know I did.

I know I deserve more then what I am currently experiencing in life. I know I deserve a freedom to be, and a freedom to love people without fear of crumbling. But, right now I don't know how to attain it.

God would you please protect my very fragile heart and sense of being right now. Would you please speak truth and life to me and help me to not hurt anymore. God, I need more then what I am walking through. I am trying to practice the presence of your grace, and I am trying to walk free. I am desperately trying to seek you in this, I know you are holding me so close to you that I cannot see you because I am so pressed up against you. I know your grace never runs out, and never even gives up on me. All I can do God is breath. All I can do is cry out to you to intervene in the midst of my situation. God, can you please show me the value I have to you again? Right now Lord I am having a hard time believing it, and remembering it. I am sorry for the mistakes I am making on this journey. I am sorry for the doubts. Please forgive me that they seem so big right now. Please, hold me in your hands. Please mend the pieces of my broken heart. Please use even this time to shape me and mold me. I do love you God. I do cling to you. I do put my hope and trust in You. Abba God, hold me close.

This Season: Fear is a liar

Sometimes I feel like a big ole' whiner. And I probably am. This has been a ridiculously tough and long season of my life. My emotions feel as though they won't or can't regulate, my body seems to fight against me all the time, and my food cravings are intense.

I really honestly sometimes feel like food is my enemy, only to realize I am probably my own worse enemy. I recently had an important relationship in my life break apart. All I want to do is eat my feelings and drown them in chocolate. But I won't. And I can't. I also had a really close family member enter rehab. The fear and the steps that it takes to be supportive even from a distance make me want to carb up, and grab my best friend: Diet Coke.

The Kicker

I recently got some scary news from the doctor. As you may know from previous blogs, I have been with flu like symptoms for a long time. TMI ALERT: For some time I have had blood presnt when using the restroom. And that is not normal. Or okay.

Every time I eat, I have felt sharp sharp pains. Like a million knives are slicing through my stomache. It hurts and I try not to cry, over something silly like some stomach pain. But it has been brutal. After trying a few things on my own, it wasn't going away, and I went to my doctors office and they found some concerning spots along my GI tract. I am scared. I am worried. But also kind of relieved...

The Silver Lining

Through this wellness journey, I have tried new things, and have felt my body go through some intense healing crisis. The toxins leaving your body, do in fact hurt. The pain leaving your body through exercise hurts. And I have felt the burden to give up, and thought...maybe I am better off with the bad food, at least it doesn't hurt as much. But can't give into excuses.

I am glad it's not in my head. That there is an underlying and root cause to everything. That my pain is real, and not imagined. That God has brought this to the surface in order to find answers, in order to move forward with better health, and better healing, and overall wellness.

It's Hard

It has been hard to NOT feel sorry for myself. However, as I press forward, and make one good food choice after another, as I put one more foot in front of the other, as I make this journey one about healing. I feel better. I feel like I am being lifted up in the shadow of the most high. I feel like I am loved.

The Victory
I have currently lost 16 pounds. That's a lot of pounds to me. I can't even lift a full 16 pounds somedays, and in some lifts. I'm proud of me so far.

The Prayer
God I remind myself again that you know me. That you will not lose me in this. That you see each tear that has fallen from my eyes during this journey. That you understand my fears better then I do. God I know I can rest on you for complete healing. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. God I know you are good. That your answers are yes and amen. That you see me. That you know me. That you love me and are proud of me, even when I feel defeated and not enough. That I can rest in your plans and your plans will become. All I can do is seek you. All you require of me is obedience and thankfulness. I can do those things.