I have never realized how much of my social life revolves around food. Sitting around and eating. Lacking activity to burn off the calories of the ooey-gooey cheesy pizza. A giant tub of pop corn with chemical laden diet soft drink at a movie. A large amount of dairy (and calories) in a foo-foo coffee shop. It all revolves around food, and I understand it.
I don't feel restrictive in my life-style choices I am making. It's been easier to turn down lunch invitations and meeting for "apps" by saying, "No thanks, I'm not eating that kind of food right now." or "Not today, I brought my own lunch." or "I'm choosing to eat vegan today." If I say, "Sorry, I can't..." there's an emotional process that takes place super quickly and without thought. I just feel bad. Like, I can't do something. I hate disappointing people, more then anything in the world, and saying I can't do it...even something as small as food makes, me feel slight guilty.
Social eating sometimes seems to be the glue that holds my relationships together. I get together with family, and we eat. I get together with friends, and we eat. I don't know how to change that. For now, I am packing snacks, and foods I am choosing to eat. It makes it easier to do what I need to know. I'm trying hard to not be offensive, in my choices right now.
I am greatful for the support system I have in my friendships, because they get it. However, it's the people who don't understand. The random co-workers who offer you a cookie because they have extra, the invitations of new friends to go out and grab a bite. It's deeply my desire to do nothing but value people and relationships over food. I deeply desire to mkae the most of the calories I eat every day. I want my food to be full of nutrients, and vitamins, and good things.
As I try to sort through all the information, I am desiring nothing but real food. I am examining my motives everytime I eat. Am I reaching for food, because I am hungry, or am I reaching for food because I am tired, or stressed, or emotional, or sad. I can't remember the last time I have tried to really listen to my body and it's hunger signals. It's been so good and so freeing to do that.
I am growing more aware every single day that God creates things in such perfection. He created in my the strength to say no to poor food choices. He created in my the strength to push my body beyond it's limits and run just a bit harder, and to lift just once more.
Father you made me. You know me full well. You have seen each and every day of my life. You have created food for nourishment, and you have given me the ability to discern what is good food and what is not. You have created in me the strength to reverse the ideas of this culture of what beauty and strength is. You have created things with such perfection, and such beauty, I am not sure I can stand it at moments. There are days I glimpse in the mirror and I am sad at the damage and brokeness I see that I have done to my body, however God there are also days where I see your handi-work. I see the light reflected in my eyes and I feel beautiful, I see the softness of my skin and realize that the hardness and the hurt doesn't effect everything, and there is still beauty and perfection there. Father, I thank you that you make wonderful things.
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