This too shall pass

It's been nearly three months since I have blogged. Nearly three months, since I have taken them time to put my thoughts down on "paper" for others to read. To expose myself to others in a way that cannot be taken back. I'm not 100 % sure of the lapse in blogging, other then I've been busy. Between a new job, working with a church plant, graduate school, and a million other things, my heart has been cluttered, and my mind more so. A cluttered mind doesn't scare me, however, a cluttered heart does. I'm attempting to unclutter some of the things that are weighing me down. 

1) I'm learning just how vulnerable people with addictions are, and how it's one of the few diseases that infects just more then the person afflicted with it. I know far too many people who in the last year who have had to lay loved ones to rest as a result of addictions. I'm scared by that. I have someone who is very near and dear to me struggling with a serious addiction. It has changed thier personality. It has infiltrated the element of trust with all this person's relationships. Nothing is sacred. And we have all been affected. My heart aches knowing that the only help is for this person to want it. In the absolute least judgemental way possible this situation really does make me wonder about the cliche " Perhaps Christ lets us hit rock bottom, because He know's HE is the rock at the bottom. " My deepest prayer, and hearts desire is that this person would fight this addiction for themselves. That they would realize they are more then this, and not all is lost. That through a long fight and long journey that they too can overcome. Lord, I pray you protection and help on this person. I pray you begin to break the chains that bind. I pray for deep wisdom for all involved in helping when it's right and backing off when it's not. 

2) I feel like I am re-learning God's voice. I have always believed He loves me. I have even believed He has spoken to me. But right now, I'm in a place of re-learning a new method of communication with Him. This communication is trust. It is looking at my circumstances and choosing to believe that God is good, even when my circumstances shout at me otherwise. It is pushing forward and rememebering that God is not a man that He should lie. It is remembering and reminding myself time and again that there is no shadow of turning in Him. 

3) Education. Education of girls around the world. Education of women around the world. I have read the stories of the girls kidnapped by the Boko Haram terriosts. I have read the countless other stories in a book called "They Fight Like Soliders; They Die Like Children." I have recently read the articles surrounding Malala Yousafzai who was shot in the head for wanting to go to school. I re-read the Diary of Anne Frank and her & her sister continuing thier education in hiding from the Nazi's. I am beyond priviliged. I have never had to fight for my right to go to school. I hav grumbled and complained, but it's never been denied to me. What is it about an educated woman that scares men? What is it that has caused the slaughter, and rape of countless women across the GLOBE? Why hasn't it been stopped? I am tired of it. I am fighting against it in the only way I know right now, and that's in prayer. 

I am ready for the war on women to be over. " If ever there comes a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known" ---Matthew Arnold, found in Lisa Bevere's book "Lioness Arising" I am ready as a woman to stop participating in the war against women. I believe it starts with me. It starts with me seeking the face of my God each and every day, and asking Him what he has for me this day. It's me taking my dreams and not letting the world dictate them. It's me believing that I am a blood bought child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. It's me ending my insecurities when I see a woman walk in the room who is prettier then I am. It's me not judging women who a dressed a certain way and instead of showing them compassion I show them disdain and judgement. It's me not caring about the motives of other women towards those I love, and choosing to believe they are pure in thier motives. It's not being jealous when I see my sisters acheiving the things I want to acheive. 

I really am done continuing to agree with the enemy of my soul that says I am not good enough. I am done agreeing with the enemy of the souls of women world wide that want to keep them oppressed. How do I play my part and fight a war that has been waged since in the Garden?

I believe it's through prayer and choosing to believe that God loves me. It's not compromising my heart because this world has told me I should. It's by running 100 miles in 100 days and raising 100 dollars to supply meals for children caught up in trafficking along the boarder of Thailand and Burma. It's remembering that if I am taken out of the fight, that there's people behind me left vulnerable. It's choosing each day to live as though the Lord has a mission for me to spread his love. 

Father God, you know my deepest heart and deepest desires. You know the pain I fight with and the struggles I have. Please God be bigger then my fears. Please let me see you victorious in all these things. Be close to the broken hearted reading this tonight. Be with those who don't know what thier next steps are. Be kind to those who need you near tonight. Lord keep me humble. Keep me knowing and loving you. Draw my friends and family close to you. Break the chains that bind thier hearts. Amen.

Just as He Said

Today is Easter Sunday. Countless Christian's attended church across the USA. Plastic eggs have been hidden and found. Chocolate in mass quantities has been consumed. Families gathered and are still gathered. And I am sitting here reflecting on the Lord and His promises.

Promises are a hard thing for me to comprehend. I have had many promises broken to me, just as you have. It's easy to not be able to trust anyone or anything because of the sheer number of broken promises, dreams, and plans.

Luke 24 States that the women closest to Jesus, went looking for Him at the tomb. At the place He was buried. Ready to anoint His body wit spices. They had either forgotten He had told them He would rise again on the third day, or they didn't believe His promise to them. They just knew that they loved Him. And in love they wanted to serve Him by preparing His body and anointing Him. It was somehow better to be close to the dead Jesus, then to not be by Him at all.

However, when they got to the tomb they discovered it was empty. Yet it still didn't sink in. They where still confused. The angels spoke to them and reminded them " Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen! Just as He said He would."

Just as He said He would. Over the course of the next couple of days the risen and resurrected Christ would appear to over 500 witnesses! Just as He said He would.

I am so thankful for a God who can be trusted. Who looks our fear and unfaithfulness in the eye and appears before us. Just as He said He would. I wonder if He appeared to so many to cement His trustworthiness.

I struggle in believing God's promises to me. I struggle in believing God is really for me. My salvation is intact. I belive He loves me. I believe He died for me and rose again so I can be with Him in eternity, but it's the day to day care and promises I struggle with. I struggle with Him fulfilling specific plans He has spoken to me when they seem so distant and so far way. I'm in good company. I believe God today is looking at me and speaking to my heart and saying...I have risen. Just as I said I would. I see you and am working on your sitution, just as I said I would.

What about you? Do you have broken dreams, pieces of promises you are struggling with. That you think the Lord has forgotten about? If the darling of Heaven, can leave the comfort of the Heavenlies, be born of a Virgin, live a completely sinless life, die a sinners death, and rise again 3 days later, just as He said He would. What can he do with your prayers, and petitions? Jesus came to save the world, just as He said He would. Who are we to think that He won't fulfill His promises and plans to us, just as He said He would? If He can save the world through one great, glorious act. If He can redeem us all. If He can take back the keys of death, Hades, and the grave. My friends, He can take control of your situation as well.

Lord, forgive my unbelief. Forgive my double mindedness. I press into you. I ask for you to work in the situations that feed on my delicate, heart. God, I ask for you to fulfill the unspoken promises that I hold so close to my heart. The promises I have laid at your feet. Please work, and hold me close just as you said you would. I thank you Lord that you overcame darkness. That the enemy of this world has lost his power, and nothing could hold you back. You my Lord, are the risen King. I trust you with my whole life. Surround me in your presence and light and truth. You are a good and merciful God. Amen.

Jesus Wept

We love you because you first loved us (1 John 4:19)

Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31)

This living and loving. This being of the Gospel. This becoming like you, requires us, no requires me to love first. To hold out that olive branch. To jump in to take the risk. To love first. To not know if the other person will respond in kind. To lay aside my prejudice, to lay aside my mind.

Is this why you wept? You knew. You knew, my Lord and my God, that you are the solution. The yes and the Amen. The Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. You where, and you are, and you will always be the answer, the solution, the great longing met, the souls precious treasure. You’d extend it freely, at no cost to us other than acceptance.  The cost to you…the cost to you, far too great to measure. This leaving of the grandeur and the Holiness of the Heavenlies.  You left playing among the stars, for dirt, and thirst. Whips, and tears. Tired sighs. And hunger.

All in an effort to woo. To romance through the sacrifice, to win us back to the Father’s heart. To win our hearts and claim us as your own. And what have we done with your gift? We’ve rejected it. Swatted it from your hands. We wouldn’t see what you were offering in pure and beautiful simplicity. This treasure for our hearts. The invitation handed to us from the grace-filled hands, and healing gaze. The gift to be, our truest selves, that which you created. The Creator rejected by the created ones.

Rejecting the only thing our souls need. We would nail you there in our depravity, so unaware. Unaware of the torn flesh and blood spilt on our behalf. Unaware for the first time, the Father would turn His face from You. The darling of Heaven.

This is why you wept. You too knew we would face the rejection. The batting away of our love, the walls we would build back up around us. The hurt we would feel as we reject each other. The pain we would cause one another. You bore it all. You held it all there. On that cross. You broke it all. You healed it all. You overcame it all.

This precious sacrifice which you made for me. This need for you which should cause me to break every wall. You took the risk on me. I will take a risk. I will bear the cross you’ve called me to. The beginning of the loving, is the breaking. The most broken of the hearts, are the ones who have loved the most. Risked the most. Sought you the most.  This is why you wept. Not from the rejection you felt, but for the rejection you know I would feel. The breaking that began in me the day we met. The breaking that scares and scars. That brings me to my knees. That requires me to meet you in the dead of the night, to search you in the throne room. The breaking of these walls I’ve set against those you love. The breaking of these walls I’ve set against you. The rejecting of the truest self you’ve created in me.

You wept because you knew every effort I would take to protect against, the agony, to protect against, humanity, to protect against the becoming, to protect, against the breaking. Is this what was in the cup you begged the Father to remove from you?

Father God. My Beloved. You paid it all. You paid it all. The cost too far for me to count. I press on. I move into your embrace. I ask you to brush me off and show me how to love again. To become closer to the truest self.