There is the loss of identity that happens when we
become a mother. We say it won’t, we claim that we know who we are, we are too
confident to have that happen to us. Then that child comes into our lives and
everything changes. “The best parents
are the ones who haven’t had kids yet.” I’m that person, I have always
wanted to be a wife and a mom, I was strong in my faith, I knew kids (I worked
in childcare with all ages, all ability levels and I knew what I was doing).
And here I am most days at a complete loss as to what to do.
I have had many people close to me comment that it
seems “I’m not spiritual” like I used to be or “I’m not as vocal about faith
things” like I used to be. There’s probably an element truth to that, because I
don’t know how to incorporate those things into this new role. Gone are the
days I could spend an hour reading my Bible, and praying, and journaling, you
know self-care things, the things that are so important. In the last two years
since Jack was born, I have started 3 books, and I have completed none of them. Prior to having Jack I consumed books, so
many books. I journaled every single day. I blogged often. Again since his
birth I have completed 3 pages in a journal, and blogged never. Now I make
notes here and there as my days go by. A quick scroll through FB and seeing
some else’s inspired devotional post makes me pause and say…that’s good. And I
consider my devotional time complete. But my goodness do I cling to faith
stronger than ever. Watching my little guy sing “Jesus loves me” or belting out
Lauren Daigle’s “You say” and something deep melts within me. He is
unencumbered by what this world or well-meaning people tell him he should be.
And the heart of Father God for us shines. And that is something I cling too.
Perhaps this journey of finding myself, and using my faith to guide me, isn’t
so much a journey of becoming something more, but rather a laying down of those
expectations and enjoying exactly who I am, as I was created to be. Throwing
off the expectations of others and truly just living.
It
isn’t the busyness so much as it is priorities.
I’m learning to die to myself each day. Because there is someone who needs me,
along with my other responsibilities. So here I am tossed into this new role,
which I have not navigated before. It’s messy, and I am not always “rocking
it”. It appears that many moms have it all together, their Facebook shows them
and their kiddos in matching outfits, perfect top knots, they had time to get
Starbucks on the way to church and somehow their matching outfits coordinate
perfectly with the Starbucks cup they got that day. They posted the perfect
scripture verse that speaks perfectly to their lives, and they find time to
work out, still have perfect lines of communication with their husband, and
their homes are immaculate. My life looks more like this: Last week alone I
woke up late for work 3 out of the 4 days I went into the office, I spent the
majority of the weekend crying, because I was tired, hangry, and I felt like an
outsider in my life. My house is currently a mess. Every single plate we own is
dirty. I haven’t blow dried my hair since December, and I was really glad it
snowed a few weeks ago because it meant I could put my run off for another day.
The power steering went out on our car, and I didn’t buy my kid a birthday
present until 4 days after his birthday. I didn’t even wrap it when I gave it
to him. We are navigating pre-teen years while co-parenting a nearly 12 year
old. Both of those things alone are a full time job. Combine them, and survival
becomes the goal, not thriving, not rocking it, those things don’t apply to
this situation.
I don’t recognize myself, because I am not that
person any longer. I am not the woman who can spend hours surfing Pinterest,
and trying new crafts, and reading gobs of books right now. And that is okay. At least I want it to
be okay. My alone times consists of going to work, and being able to close the
office door while I eat my lunch, and that’s not always enough for this
introvert. And that is okay. After
Mr. Toddler Man goes to bed, it’s often all I can do to not go straight to
sleep myself. I’m trying to remind myself that this is a season, these are the
days I am going to miss; but truth be told, right now, I don’t feel that way. And that is okay.
