So, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon, I was just without internet at home for a few days! But it's all fixed.
I think I get to earn some serious street cred. I ran 4 miles, in the ran, after wearing dress shoes all day. 4 miles is a personal best for me. Real runners run in the rain. Therefore, I am declaring myself a real runner. Go me!
It's been an interesting few days. I am officially off the vegan diet, and tried eating a half turkey sandwhich the other day. My tummy hurt for quite awhile. I may have jumped into the dairy & meat thing too quickly. For now, it's mostly vegetarian. I think I will feel much much better that way.
My thoughts lately are everywhere. I keep feeling like I am hitting a wall in my personal life, and keep getting overwhelmed by the enormity of this health journey, and living life for the here and now, and still maintaing goals for the future. It seems like I am fighting a uphill battle with lots of road blocks in the way.
The Bible says: " truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20. (I have previously blogged on this verse, but it's still hanging with me, so I am going to continue to blog about it.) No circumstance in my life, no struggle in my life, no mountain in my life has ever moved, or fixed itself, because I wanted it to. I have had to go through the journey. I have had to wait for the mountain to move, and it's never been instant.
I was watching footage again the other day on the continued aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and am always amazed at the massive amount of destruction. I wonder what destruction weighs in the background of a crumbling mountain. What if the instant I pray, God's answers and begins to have the mountain crumble, but it's crumbling on the OTHER SIDE? And I just cannot see it...yet. As, I see the destruction that lays in the aftermath of natural disasters, I am convinced that as God is moving mountains in my life, and things are crumbling...there's an aftermath.
The roadblocks in life exist to prevent us from walking through the the avalanches that come from the mountains moving and crumbling. What seems to be the lack of God's activity to move the mountain, is really just a holding pattern as He clears away the debris of things that could cause further damage to our souls. God's promise to us is that as He's moving, as He's calling us to work on our goals, He won't lose us in them. He won't lose us in the aftermath. Sometimes He calls us to walk through the crumbling around us. Other times, He safely puts out His hand and stops us from going any further as He cleans house.
This is the journey I am on. It's one of learning and growth. It's a physical journey that has been really hard. Those four miles I ran, I cried the last mile. I was in pain, my lower back currently has ice on it as I sit and type this. The emotions of realizing I was going to hit my four mile mark, made me excited, and triumphant, and exhausted. Exhaustion is emotional, because it shows me, just what I am made of. It shows me my limits, it shows me my weaknesses, and that is okay. In my weakness God is made strong.
I cried that last mile, because I knew, I had reached a point of no return. I had reached a point of no longer thinking and every single emotion I have felt over the last several weeks came crashing in, and down. I realized that God, will not lose me in this journey. He loves me and will move on behalf. I just need to tuck in close.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Earning it
It finally happened. I worked my butt off so hard that I threw up. I started my workout with 50 squats (ouch), and then proceeded to run sprints for 30 minutes. Then I did 40 crunches, 30 jumping jacks, and tried to do 20 push-ups. I felt a cough coming on...and it was over. I apologize to my nieghbors, and to the readers of this blog, for sharing gross and yucky TMI details. I now feel weak, and limp, and not ready to try that ever again. However, I feel like I have earned a badge of honor. Everyone talks about how the work so hard they feel like puking, well I actually did.
Moving on...
I'm really thankful for Pan-Away essential oil. It's the only thing that is keeping my sciatic nerve pain in check. I know as my body adjusts, and as my core gets stronger, I can count on the pain going away. Right now though, I don't see an end in sight for it, and laying in bed at night as it throbs, I feel quite proud of it. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel the burn in my arms, in my core, and in my back-side and all I can think is "I earned that burn."
However, there are times, I wish this wasn't so much work. I feel like I am in a constant cycle of trying decide when to wake up, when to work out, when to eat, when to cook, what to buy. What is a better choice, is this nutritionly sound, is this real food, are these empty calories? How much is a serving size? It is exhausting. And totally worth it.
"Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
Diet coke and creamy coffee are my enemies in this journey. I am proud to report I am Diet Coke free for three weeks, and it's something that is constantly on my mind. The thought of the carbonation hitting my throught makes me want to gag, but the hissing sound the ice cold can makes as you pop the tab open, well...that actually brings back memories. Memories of parades, and the county fair. Times when my family had money because it meant we could afford soda, and it made stress all around less.
In his book, The Omnivourus Mind: Our Evolving Relationship with Food, John S. Allen says, "Our evolved psychology, may make food one of the more likely things in the environment around which memories are formed and focused." It makes sense that memories are so strongly linked with our experiences with food.
Healing
I can feel my body slimming down, and my body getting stronger. I know that it's going slower then I had hoped it would, but I still deal with so many emotions with this thing. And I don't like that. I want to cry when I realize I am reaching for a snack because I am bored. I am still overwhelmed by all the information out there regarding food. I feel like I can't understand what is going on with it all. I never realized how much all of this was wrapped up in my emotions. Until I started trying to sort it out.
Father God, heal my heart tonight. Make this health journey about health & wellness. Help me sort through the emotions of everything. Help me to understand why my heart is so caught up in this. I am so aware God that You are good. That you are the author and finisher of my faith. You are the only one that can make sense of my heart because you are the one who created it. You formed me in my mother's womb and made sure you kept me safe until this moment. You have given me strength to overcome the obstacles I see in my way, and the struggles that are real. God, help me to not see food as an enemy. Help me to forgive the people who have shown me false sense of comfort through food.
Moving on...
I'm really thankful for Pan-Away essential oil. It's the only thing that is keeping my sciatic nerve pain in check. I know as my body adjusts, and as my core gets stronger, I can count on the pain going away. Right now though, I don't see an end in sight for it, and laying in bed at night as it throbs, I feel quite proud of it. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel the burn in my arms, in my core, and in my back-side and all I can think is "I earned that burn."
However, there are times, I wish this wasn't so much work. I feel like I am in a constant cycle of trying decide when to wake up, when to work out, when to eat, when to cook, what to buy. What is a better choice, is this nutritionly sound, is this real food, are these empty calories? How much is a serving size? It is exhausting. And totally worth it.
"Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
Diet coke and creamy coffee are my enemies in this journey. I am proud to report I am Diet Coke free for three weeks, and it's something that is constantly on my mind. The thought of the carbonation hitting my throught makes me want to gag, but the hissing sound the ice cold can makes as you pop the tab open, well...that actually brings back memories. Memories of parades, and the county fair. Times when my family had money because it meant we could afford soda, and it made stress all around less.
In his book, The Omnivourus Mind: Our Evolving Relationship with Food, John S. Allen says, "Our evolved psychology, may make food one of the more likely things in the environment around which memories are formed and focused." It makes sense that memories are so strongly linked with our experiences with food.
Healing
I can feel my body slimming down, and my body getting stronger. I know that it's going slower then I had hoped it would, but I still deal with so many emotions with this thing. And I don't like that. I want to cry when I realize I am reaching for a snack because I am bored. I am still overwhelmed by all the information out there regarding food. I feel like I can't understand what is going on with it all. I never realized how much all of this was wrapped up in my emotions. Until I started trying to sort it out.
Father God, heal my heart tonight. Make this health journey about health & wellness. Help me sort through the emotions of everything. Help me to understand why my heart is so caught up in this. I am so aware God that You are good. That you are the author and finisher of my faith. You are the only one that can make sense of my heart because you are the one who created it. You formed me in my mother's womb and made sure you kept me safe until this moment. You have given me strength to overcome the obstacles I see in my way, and the struggles that are real. God, help me to not see food as an enemy. Help me to forgive the people who have shown me false sense of comfort through food.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Favorite New Foods & Workouts
Here are a few of my favorite new foods I am eating:
Home-made Hummus
2 Cans Chickpeas (30 oz total) drained and rinsed.
2 Tablespoons Tahini (found in the ethnic foods section at Cub)
1 Tablespoon EVOO
2Tablespoons lemon juice
Garlic Powder to taste
1/4 cup water
Throw in blender and blend. Simple as that.
Roasted Carrots & Broccoli
1/2 bag baby carrots
1 head broccoli cut up
Toss in a bowl garnish generously with lemon juice and sprinle with sea salt.
Throw on a cookie sheet place in over at 425 for 15 minutes.
These have become staples in my diet right now. They fill me up and are easy easy easy.
Smoothie:
Handful fresh kale leaves
Handful fresh raspberries
Handful fresh blueberries
Put in blender
Fill with almond milk
1 teaspoon coconut oil
1 teaspoon honey
Blend. Drink. Done. Sometimes if I know it's going to be awhile until lunch I add a 1/4 cup oatmeal to this. It keeps me a bit fuller for longer.
Exercises:
Pinterest has become my best friend. I learn a lot from watching others fitness pages. It helps. I try to keep myself from being too bored. I am practicing the moves I find hard in the mornings, just concentrating on the movements. 10 times or 20 just to learn the movement. Much like a football player learns drills. I can't do a mountain climber because it feels awkward, and I feel totally uncoordinated. So I have been dropping to the floor when I get out of bed in the morning and I do the movement very slowly. Learning how my body feels so that way when I want to do them faster, I can. It totally helps, and makes me feel less awkward later.
Home-made Hummus
2 Cans Chickpeas (30 oz total) drained and rinsed.
2 Tablespoons Tahini (found in the ethnic foods section at Cub)
1 Tablespoon EVOO
2Tablespoons lemon juice
Garlic Powder to taste
1/4 cup water
Throw in blender and blend. Simple as that.
Roasted Carrots & Broccoli
1/2 bag baby carrots
1 head broccoli cut up
Toss in a bowl garnish generously with lemon juice and sprinle with sea salt.
Throw on a cookie sheet place in over at 425 for 15 minutes.
These have become staples in my diet right now. They fill me up and are easy easy easy.
Smoothie:
Handful fresh kale leaves
Handful fresh raspberries
Handful fresh blueberries
Put in blender
Fill with almond milk
1 teaspoon coconut oil
1 teaspoon honey
Blend. Drink. Done. Sometimes if I know it's going to be awhile until lunch I add a 1/4 cup oatmeal to this. It keeps me a bit fuller for longer.
Exercises:
Pinterest has become my best friend. I learn a lot from watching others fitness pages. It helps. I try to keep myself from being too bored. I am practicing the moves I find hard in the mornings, just concentrating on the movements. 10 times or 20 just to learn the movement. Much like a football player learns drills. I can't do a mountain climber because it feels awkward, and I feel totally uncoordinated. So I have been dropping to the floor when I get out of bed in the morning and I do the movement very slowly. Learning how my body feels so that way when I want to do them faster, I can. It totally helps, and makes me feel less awkward later.
My Starving Neighbors
I want to start off this post by saying thank you to all the people who are faithfully following along. I am encouraged by your support, and I cannot say thank you enough for that. I didn't start this blog to garner attention or support, but I certainly do appreciate the kind words.
I am quite excited about my purchases at the Farmer's Market this weekened. I didn't get much: beets, purple pole beans, mini-cucumbers, and some fresh kale. I am excited for my morning smoothies. I can add the beet greens to them, and I can also add the kale.
I am excited for sides of cucumber & tomatoe salads with vinegar dressings, and my homemade hummus.
I realized today that this lifestyle change for me is going to effect so many more people then myself. When I am working out, I keep asking myself, who is seeing me run right now, thinking..."If she can do that, then I can do something too." As I learn to prepare fresh food for myself, I can't help but think how greatful I am that I am learning these things now, and not when I am married and with kids. I don't want to pass down bad eating habits, and wrong food messages to children who will learn those things from simply watching me.
One thing I can't get off of my mind though, is how are the people in my community faring right now? Only in America, the land of thousands of opportunites, are we caught in the middle of an obesity epidemic and their are food shelves popping up more and more every single day, because people are starving. I feel guilty that I am able to purchase fresh food. Does organic vs. gmo matter to them? Does frozen vs. canned matter to them? Are they even aware of the fact that thier sodium laden meals are only filling thier bellies?
What does dignity look like to those people? They have already stood in line to get money from the government to get food. Why isn't that food providing the nutrients they need? My heart is literally wrenched at the thought, that I have so much when mom's are struggling with the decision tonight if they are going to be able to eat something tonight or will they give it all to thier children.
Am I crazy in thinking that as I learn more about health and nutrition that God is arming me with this knowledge so I can help others? Why are people being forced to choose between paying rent & fresh food? Real food? Can I simplify my life so much that I can help those without?
I am reminded that thier are many like minded people who are trying to help those in need. That the job isn't up to me alone. I have a dear sweet friend who spends time baking (using real ingredients) and handing those baked goods out to the homeless down by the Doris Day Center in St. Paul. Her thoughts are how many homeless people have a can opener or a pan to cook or heat up those canned goods. I have another friend who is researching organizations in the Twin Cities that take the time to help the poor so he can get involved. I am greatful for these people who see the need. I can't help but think the easy access to empty calories, and fake food, for such a cheap price is what is causing thier to be such an unbalance.
I am not throwing in the towel on this wellness thing because I feel guitly at my ability to eat fresh, while others don't have it. It just makes me very very aware of the difference across the street.
As I ran through the park today, I stopped to fill up my water bottle, and I had the chance to observe a Father with his children. He was running & his kids where on bikes. He kept encouraging them to pedal faster. He was out of breath & I could tell he was working hard. He looked at me & said "keep up the good work. Push harder. I have lost 40lbs just from keeping my family more and more active." His daughter rolled her eyes at him, and said, "Yes, and now we can never have ice cream." He just smiled and said, "It's good for you honey."
I can't help but think that this is what God is saying to me. "This is good for you honey. Keep up the good work. Run harder, eat better, and do more." I am excited to make these changes. I am more excited to help others learn from my own struggles with food, emotions, and unhealthy body images. Life is hard, but with each step I am learning to breath easier.
I am quite excited about my purchases at the Farmer's Market this weekened. I didn't get much: beets, purple pole beans, mini-cucumbers, and some fresh kale. I am excited for my morning smoothies. I can add the beet greens to them, and I can also add the kale.
I am excited for sides of cucumber & tomatoe salads with vinegar dressings, and my homemade hummus.
I realized today that this lifestyle change for me is going to effect so many more people then myself. When I am working out, I keep asking myself, who is seeing me run right now, thinking..."If she can do that, then I can do something too." As I learn to prepare fresh food for myself, I can't help but think how greatful I am that I am learning these things now, and not when I am married and with kids. I don't want to pass down bad eating habits, and wrong food messages to children who will learn those things from simply watching me.
One thing I can't get off of my mind though, is how are the people in my community faring right now? Only in America, the land of thousands of opportunites, are we caught in the middle of an obesity epidemic and their are food shelves popping up more and more every single day, because people are starving. I feel guilty that I am able to purchase fresh food. Does organic vs. gmo matter to them? Does frozen vs. canned matter to them? Are they even aware of the fact that thier sodium laden meals are only filling thier bellies?
What does dignity look like to those people? They have already stood in line to get money from the government to get food. Why isn't that food providing the nutrients they need? My heart is literally wrenched at the thought, that I have so much when mom's are struggling with the decision tonight if they are going to be able to eat something tonight or will they give it all to thier children.
Am I crazy in thinking that as I learn more about health and nutrition that God is arming me with this knowledge so I can help others? Why are people being forced to choose between paying rent & fresh food? Real food? Can I simplify my life so much that I can help those without?
I am reminded that thier are many like minded people who are trying to help those in need. That the job isn't up to me alone. I have a dear sweet friend who spends time baking (using real ingredients) and handing those baked goods out to the homeless down by the Doris Day Center in St. Paul. Her thoughts are how many homeless people have a can opener or a pan to cook or heat up those canned goods. I have another friend who is researching organizations in the Twin Cities that take the time to help the poor so he can get involved. I am greatful for these people who see the need. I can't help but think the easy access to empty calories, and fake food, for such a cheap price is what is causing thier to be such an unbalance.
I am not throwing in the towel on this wellness thing because I feel guitly at my ability to eat fresh, while others don't have it. It just makes me very very aware of the difference across the street.
As I ran through the park today, I stopped to fill up my water bottle, and I had the chance to observe a Father with his children. He was running & his kids where on bikes. He kept encouraging them to pedal faster. He was out of breath & I could tell he was working hard. He looked at me & said "keep up the good work. Push harder. I have lost 40lbs just from keeping my family more and more active." His daughter rolled her eyes at him, and said, "Yes, and now we can never have ice cream." He just smiled and said, "It's good for you honey."
I can't help but think that this is what God is saying to me. "This is good for you honey. Keep up the good work. Run harder, eat better, and do more." I am excited to make these changes. I am more excited to help others learn from my own struggles with food, emotions, and unhealthy body images. Life is hard, but with each step I am learning to breath easier.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Day 7: Monopoly is back at McDonald's
Yup. It's that time of the year, Monopoly is back at McDonald's. The potential to win 1 Million Dollars, just from eating a Big Mac, and a second chance to win by super-sizing the meal, makes one almost believe that they already are the winner. The million dollars is already spent, on a new car, a new home, a check has been written to the charity of my choice, all before the regret of consuming all those calories (empty empty calories) and the tab is pulled only to realize that the game piece isn't an instant winner. The damage of eating that super-sized Big Mac meal is already done, and my financial situation is still very much the same.
This is the exact thought process that went through my head on the way home from a friends house last evening. I am proud to say, I didn't stop at any of the 10 McDonald's I passed on my home, in a 17 mile radius.
I am wondering what the pull is that makes something so bad for you, so attractive. I know the damage that a McDonald's meal can do to an entire life-style change. I know that it would be just a matter of one meal, to feel like I can't do this. I can't eat healthy and I shouldn't even bother trying.
I wonder sometimes if food and bad food, the overindulgence of bad food, is just like sin. It's been said that sin will take you further then you ever meant to go, and keep you longer then you ever meant to stay. It feeds on you soul, wanting more and more of it, and you in turn need more and more of it.
I was reminded today at the farmers market that good food is food that makes you feel good. Not the temporary rush that comes from eating fast food, or drinking diet coke. But actually feels good. Food that is complete is food that can heal.
I keep telling myself that fast food is food that God has created that nothing needs to be done to it to eat it. An apple that can be pulled from the tree and eaten, that's fast food. A strawberry from the garden that can be pulled up and eaten, that's fast food. An orange that can be peeled and eaten, that's fast food. These are things that the nutrients are readily available. Whole & complete.
This is the exact thought process that went through my head on the way home from a friends house last evening. I am proud to say, I didn't stop at any of the 10 McDonald's I passed on my home, in a 17 mile radius.
I am wondering what the pull is that makes something so bad for you, so attractive. I know the damage that a McDonald's meal can do to an entire life-style change. I know that it would be just a matter of one meal, to feel like I can't do this. I can't eat healthy and I shouldn't even bother trying.
I wonder sometimes if food and bad food, the overindulgence of bad food, is just like sin. It's been said that sin will take you further then you ever meant to go, and keep you longer then you ever meant to stay. It feeds on you soul, wanting more and more of it, and you in turn need more and more of it.
I was reminded today at the farmers market that good food is food that makes you feel good. Not the temporary rush that comes from eating fast food, or drinking diet coke. But actually feels good. Food that is complete is food that can heal.
I keep telling myself that fast food is food that God has created that nothing needs to be done to it to eat it. An apple that can be pulled from the tree and eaten, that's fast food. A strawberry from the garden that can be pulled up and eaten, that's fast food. An orange that can be peeled and eaten, that's fast food. These are things that the nutrients are readily available. Whole & complete.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Just another day in Paradise: Day 6
It's still hot! And I love it. Seriously, I would rather take 90 degrees any day over cold. I need the sunshine. It speaks to my soul, it rejuvenates, it massages the grumpies out.
I did a run this morning that was rough. My body didn't want to cooperate, I felt sluggish, and slow. I know that tomorrow will be a better day, and that's all that matters. Each step can heal, and tomorrow is a day with new mercies. I'm greatful that God's mercies are new every morning.
I am looking for ways to save money as I embark on this journey. I have a small kitchen, so storage is difficult. I desire to buy fresh veggies and fruit, but have a hard time with being able to use everything in time before it goes bad. It's hard to shop, and cook, and eat for one. That wasn't a typo...portion control is also something I am learning, so it is hard to eat for one.
I was really excited to be able to learn to save my kale for my smoothies in the morning. I am going to blend it up with a little bit of coconut oil and water and freeze it in ice cube trays, and plop one or two into the magic bullet in the morning. It is just one of those tips that makes sense, and helps me save money. I learned how to save berries for use later doing the same thing.
I'm learning with just a little bit of planning, things CAN work. It doesn't have to be this huge overall, of schedules, and bank books, and everything else. I am feeling like things are more and more possible every day. I feel like my body is slowly changing. I did a weigh in today and am down 11lbs from when I first began this process. I was able to put on a t-shirt today that I haven't worn since this fall and this fall it was quite snug. It's encouraging to know the work. The really hard work. The insecurites, the failures, the days when I forget to bring my lunch so I have to turn back around and grab it from home. The soreness from different workouts, and all the bravery are paying off.
There's a bit of fear in all of this, that I have to face every day. I wonder what everyone who sees this blog is thinking. I wonder if I am being too honest about somethings. I wonder if people are wondering why I am doing this. And it honestly overwhelms me at moments. I wonder if I am going to have a rough week or a life-event happen that is super life-shattering and all I'll want to do in the moment is eat ice cream, and pringles. Will there come a moment when I self-sabotage, just because I'm getting too good and too fast of results?
And yet, all I can do is push forward. All I can do is trust that this is what is right for me, and be gentle towards myself when I do make mistakes. I don't have to worry about the future because today has enough worries of it's own.
Seek first His Kingdom and Righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. Mark 6:33.
I did a run this morning that was rough. My body didn't want to cooperate, I felt sluggish, and slow. I know that tomorrow will be a better day, and that's all that matters. Each step can heal, and tomorrow is a day with new mercies. I'm greatful that God's mercies are new every morning.
I am looking for ways to save money as I embark on this journey. I have a small kitchen, so storage is difficult. I desire to buy fresh veggies and fruit, but have a hard time with being able to use everything in time before it goes bad. It's hard to shop, and cook, and eat for one. That wasn't a typo...portion control is also something I am learning, so it is hard to eat for one.
I was really excited to be able to learn to save my kale for my smoothies in the morning. I am going to blend it up with a little bit of coconut oil and water and freeze it in ice cube trays, and plop one or two into the magic bullet in the morning. It is just one of those tips that makes sense, and helps me save money. I learned how to save berries for use later doing the same thing.
I'm learning with just a little bit of planning, things CAN work. It doesn't have to be this huge overall, of schedules, and bank books, and everything else. I am feeling like things are more and more possible every day. I feel like my body is slowly changing. I did a weigh in today and am down 11lbs from when I first began this process. I was able to put on a t-shirt today that I haven't worn since this fall and this fall it was quite snug. It's encouraging to know the work. The really hard work. The insecurites, the failures, the days when I forget to bring my lunch so I have to turn back around and grab it from home. The soreness from different workouts, and all the bravery are paying off.
There's a bit of fear in all of this, that I have to face every day. I wonder what everyone who sees this blog is thinking. I wonder if I am being too honest about somethings. I wonder if people are wondering why I am doing this. And it honestly overwhelms me at moments. I wonder if I am going to have a rough week or a life-event happen that is super life-shattering and all I'll want to do in the moment is eat ice cream, and pringles. Will there come a moment when I self-sabotage, just because I'm getting too good and too fast of results?
And yet, all I can do is push forward. All I can do is trust that this is what is right for me, and be gentle towards myself when I do make mistakes. I don't have to worry about the future because today has enough worries of it's own.
Seek first His Kingdom and Righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. Mark 6:33.
Always Room at the Table: Day 5
I have never realized how much of my social life revolves around food. Sitting around and eating. Lacking activity to burn off the calories of the ooey-gooey cheesy pizza. A giant tub of pop corn with chemical laden diet soft drink at a movie. A large amount of dairy (and calories) in a foo-foo coffee shop. It all revolves around food, and I understand it.
I don't feel restrictive in my life-style choices I am making. It's been easier to turn down lunch invitations and meeting for "apps" by saying, "No thanks, I'm not eating that kind of food right now." or "Not today, I brought my own lunch." or "I'm choosing to eat vegan today." If I say, "Sorry, I can't..." there's an emotional process that takes place super quickly and without thought. I just feel bad. Like, I can't do something. I hate disappointing people, more then anything in the world, and saying I can't do it...even something as small as food makes, me feel slight guilty.
Social eating sometimes seems to be the glue that holds my relationships together. I get together with family, and we eat. I get together with friends, and we eat. I don't know how to change that. For now, I am packing snacks, and foods I am choosing to eat. It makes it easier to do what I need to know. I'm trying hard to not be offensive, in my choices right now.
I am greatful for the support system I have in my friendships, because they get it. However, it's the people who don't understand. The random co-workers who offer you a cookie because they have extra, the invitations of new friends to go out and grab a bite. It's deeply my desire to do nothing but value people and relationships over food. I deeply desire to mkae the most of the calories I eat every day. I want my food to be full of nutrients, and vitamins, and good things.
As I try to sort through all the information, I am desiring nothing but real food. I am examining my motives everytime I eat. Am I reaching for food, because I am hungry, or am I reaching for food because I am tired, or stressed, or emotional, or sad. I can't remember the last time I have tried to really listen to my body and it's hunger signals. It's been so good and so freeing to do that.
I am growing more aware every single day that God creates things in such perfection. He created in my the strength to say no to poor food choices. He created in my the strength to push my body beyond it's limits and run just a bit harder, and to lift just once more.
Father you made me. You know me full well. You have seen each and every day of my life. You have created food for nourishment, and you have given me the ability to discern what is good food and what is not. You have created in me the strength to reverse the ideas of this culture of what beauty and strength is. You have created things with such perfection, and such beauty, I am not sure I can stand it at moments. There are days I glimpse in the mirror and I am sad at the damage and brokeness I see that I have done to my body, however God there are also days where I see your handi-work. I see the light reflected in my eyes and I feel beautiful, I see the softness of my skin and realize that the hardness and the hurt doesn't effect everything, and there is still beauty and perfection there. Father, I thank you that you make wonderful things.
I don't feel restrictive in my life-style choices I am making. It's been easier to turn down lunch invitations and meeting for "apps" by saying, "No thanks, I'm not eating that kind of food right now." or "Not today, I brought my own lunch." or "I'm choosing to eat vegan today." If I say, "Sorry, I can't..." there's an emotional process that takes place super quickly and without thought. I just feel bad. Like, I can't do something. I hate disappointing people, more then anything in the world, and saying I can't do it...even something as small as food makes, me feel slight guilty.
Social eating sometimes seems to be the glue that holds my relationships together. I get together with family, and we eat. I get together with friends, and we eat. I don't know how to change that. For now, I am packing snacks, and foods I am choosing to eat. It makes it easier to do what I need to know. I'm trying hard to not be offensive, in my choices right now.
I am greatful for the support system I have in my friendships, because they get it. However, it's the people who don't understand. The random co-workers who offer you a cookie because they have extra, the invitations of new friends to go out and grab a bite. It's deeply my desire to do nothing but value people and relationships over food. I deeply desire to mkae the most of the calories I eat every day. I want my food to be full of nutrients, and vitamins, and good things.
As I try to sort through all the information, I am desiring nothing but real food. I am examining my motives everytime I eat. Am I reaching for food, because I am hungry, or am I reaching for food because I am tired, or stressed, or emotional, or sad. I can't remember the last time I have tried to really listen to my body and it's hunger signals. It's been so good and so freeing to do that.
I am growing more aware every single day that God creates things in such perfection. He created in my the strength to say no to poor food choices. He created in my the strength to push my body beyond it's limits and run just a bit harder, and to lift just once more.
Father you made me. You know me full well. You have seen each and every day of my life. You have created food for nourishment, and you have given me the ability to discern what is good food and what is not. You have created in me the strength to reverse the ideas of this culture of what beauty and strength is. You have created things with such perfection, and such beauty, I am not sure I can stand it at moments. There are days I glimpse in the mirror and I am sad at the damage and brokeness I see that I have done to my body, however God there are also days where I see your handi-work. I see the light reflected in my eyes and I feel beautiful, I see the softness of my skin and realize that the hardness and the hurt doesn't effect everything, and there is still beauty and perfection there. Father, I thank you that you make wonderful things.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Sorting through the Facts: Day 4
It's still really really hot!!! Humid and hot. Ewww. As I ran this morning all I could think was I am going to die and where is my water?! I saw a total kind, stranger had left thier sprinkler on outside, and thought..."I wonder if they will mind if I have a drink" But just in the nick of time a saw a bubbler like apparatus in a close by park. THANK GOD. THANK GOD. THANK GOD. It was a long run of intervals.
I received many compliments today about how my skin looks radiant, and my complexion is clearing up. I cannot tell you the last time I have felt like I have had clear skin. Middle school maybe? I'm 32 years old, and still break out, more then some teenagers, I know. Sad, but totally true. I wonder if it's all the crap I have been putting in my body over the years? I know all the beauty magazines tell you it's just a myth, but then again they are sponosored by the candy bar companies, and the chemical-laden acne, skin clearing products.
Today was a good day food-wise. It's easy to make good choices when all you have left in the fridge is fresh-cut veggies, hummus, dates, and almond milk.
The thing that I am thinking about today is how do you sort through all the information? What's healthy and what's not? What are realistic goals, and what aren't? How many calories a day should I be eating, and how many calories should I be burning off every day? What are vegetables you can eat safely and not worry if they are organic? Is coffee good for you, or is it bad for you? Raw fruits and veggies are best, but if you can get raw/fresh, frozen is okay, but if you can't get either get canned. But avoid certain kinds of cans. It's all incredibly confusing.
How do I sort through all the informaion and how do I implement what I am learning. Last year, I began a wellness journey due to my kidneys shutting down due to an auto-immune disease (never confirmed because my doctor won't test for it...) and I decided to make small changes, one change a month. However, I never attacked the food issue. I would avoid the foods my allergy tests said I should, for a time. Then I would go to a birthday party, and just really want cake. Or I would be out with friends and there wasn't a gluten free menu.
This is the first time I have decided to tackle it. To take a month to go vegan simply because, it means that I have to cleanse my body, of all the stressors. I am avoiding my allergy triggers, and drinking more water then anything else. I haven't had a diet coke in over two weeks, and I don't think I even want one. The idea of the bubbly carbonation hitting my throat almost makes me want to gag. I am ready to finally tackle the issue of food, and to actually do the things I know what to do.
Romans 7:15 says, " I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate." It speaks so much to what I am going through in regard to health & fitness. I know that sugar is addictive. I know what it does to your body. I know it turns to fat. I know cancer breeds off of it. Yet, I haven't ever taken the time to say no. I want to enjoy working out (Side note: A friend told me that after working out for 6 days you would start to crave working out. He lied. I don't crave it. I still kind of get really anxious and dread doing it.) I just don't enjoy it, and that's okay. I just do it, because I know I should.
Overall, this journey has been teaching me more about God, then I ever thought possible. It's showing me, that I am stronger then I ever thought. And it's teaching me that I need to push through. In all aspects of my life. Personal, relational, spiritual, and everything in between.
Father God, I am thankful for your truth. I am thankful that everyday doesn't have to be spectacular for me to be in your will. God, I know you have good good plans for me. I don't yet crave discipline but I am growing in self-control. I am glad you're allowing me to come up for grace-filled air. I am acknowledging that you have all this under control God.
I received many compliments today about how my skin looks radiant, and my complexion is clearing up. I cannot tell you the last time I have felt like I have had clear skin. Middle school maybe? I'm 32 years old, and still break out, more then some teenagers, I know. Sad, but totally true. I wonder if it's all the crap I have been putting in my body over the years? I know all the beauty magazines tell you it's just a myth, but then again they are sponosored by the candy bar companies, and the chemical-laden acne, skin clearing products.
Today was a good day food-wise. It's easy to make good choices when all you have left in the fridge is fresh-cut veggies, hummus, dates, and almond milk.
The thing that I am thinking about today is how do you sort through all the information? What's healthy and what's not? What are realistic goals, and what aren't? How many calories a day should I be eating, and how many calories should I be burning off every day? What are vegetables you can eat safely and not worry if they are organic? Is coffee good for you, or is it bad for you? Raw fruits and veggies are best, but if you can get raw/fresh, frozen is okay, but if you can't get either get canned. But avoid certain kinds of cans. It's all incredibly confusing.
How do I sort through all the informaion and how do I implement what I am learning. Last year, I began a wellness journey due to my kidneys shutting down due to an auto-immune disease (never confirmed because my doctor won't test for it...) and I decided to make small changes, one change a month. However, I never attacked the food issue. I would avoid the foods my allergy tests said I should, for a time. Then I would go to a birthday party, and just really want cake. Or I would be out with friends and there wasn't a gluten free menu.
This is the first time I have decided to tackle it. To take a month to go vegan simply because, it means that I have to cleanse my body, of all the stressors. I am avoiding my allergy triggers, and drinking more water then anything else. I haven't had a diet coke in over two weeks, and I don't think I even want one. The idea of the bubbly carbonation hitting my throat almost makes me want to gag. I am ready to finally tackle the issue of food, and to actually do the things I know what to do.
Romans 7:15 says, " I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate." It speaks so much to what I am going through in regard to health & fitness. I know that sugar is addictive. I know what it does to your body. I know it turns to fat. I know cancer breeds off of it. Yet, I haven't ever taken the time to say no. I want to enjoy working out (Side note: A friend told me that after working out for 6 days you would start to crave working out. He lied. I don't crave it. I still kind of get really anxious and dread doing it.) I just don't enjoy it, and that's okay. I just do it, because I know I should.
Overall, this journey has been teaching me more about God, then I ever thought possible. It's showing me, that I am stronger then I ever thought. And it's teaching me that I need to push through. In all aspects of my life. Personal, relational, spiritual, and everything in between.
Father God, I am thankful for your truth. I am thankful that everyday doesn't have to be spectacular for me to be in your will. God, I know you have good good plans for me. I don't yet crave discipline but I am growing in self-control. I am glad you're allowing me to come up for grace-filled air. I am acknowledging that you have all this under control God.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Moving the Moutains: Day 3
No matter how many days you have off going back to work on a Monday is a challenge! I love my job and my organization is in the middle of incredibly exciting transitions. Transitions that are on the cutting edge of leading generation that will change the world and build God's Kingdom...but getting out of bed was HARD!!!! I went to bed early last night, had my clothes all picked out, and still even though my workout clothes sat on a bin at the end of my bed, I STILL HIT SNOOZE LIKE 4x. But, no matter, I can adjust and decided I would do my workout after work.
How silly of me to think I would want to work out hard after work on a high humidity 90 degree day. Maybe tomorrow I will think twice about hitting snooze. However, I know I honestly won't. I can always hope though.
My work out today consisted of running for 2 miles, (two really really long miles...) and it was hard going. The heat was more then I had planned on, and I took a different route then I normally do, and google maps, doesn't show you the hills ahead of time. It was a hilly, bumpy, rolling course. But I did it. At the half way point, I needed to stop, and walk for a minute to catch my breath, and seriously thought about phoning it in. Then I caught a second wind, and kept going. After my run, I did a series of 30 squats, 20 crunches, 10 jumping jacks, 5 push-ups then climbed the ladder back up of 5 push-ups, 10 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, & 30 squats. (Thank you pinterest for your work out ideas.)
Those last 15 squats, that last half of mile, the moments that get really really hard. That's what I am doing this for. To prove to myself that I am stronger then I even know, stronger then I believe.
The Emotional Path:
I literally want to cry when I think about the damage I have done to my body. When I think that all the years of eating fast food, slamming diet coke, eating out of boredom, and seeking food as a source of stress relief and comfort. I can look in the mirror and see each broken relationship on my thighs, each unkind word spoken on my arms, each pain on my stomache, and every insecurity on my hips. I am overwhelmed by the challenge it will take to reverse and improve the damage. It will literally take a lot of time and a lot of work to move the mountain.
I was in a conversation with a dear mentor today, and she said, mentioned the verse in the Bible that reads "Truly, I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, ' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. We often think that it's because we lack faith that the mountain doesn't move, but what if the mountain is moving, but God is moving it not in a dramatic miracle WOW moment, but rather in a gradual way. What if God is moving the impossible and hard situations in our life, boulder by boulder, rock by rock.
That's what I feel like God is doing in my life currently. I am facing some big mountains, I am trying to understand, what God is positioning me in. I am facing some challenges that go beyond what I can comprehend with my natural eyes. And I am begging God to move.
What if He is, and I just don't discern it yet. What if He is moving the mountain, boulder by boulder. This weightloss journey is so much more then becoming physically fit. This journey is about becoming stronger in my faith, it's about becoming stronger physically & mentally, it's about letting go of excuses & fears that have held me back. It's making me slowly better then I was.
I am not going to reverse the damage I have done over-night. However, I can take one step in front of the other, lace up my running shoes, and remove the damage literally one step at a time.
Food:
Smoothies have become my best friend in the morning. It's easy to throw almond milk, kale leaves, fruit, and a few ice cubes into the magic bullet. I can drink it on the way to work. Lunches back at work are a bit of a challenge, (especially when I wake up after hitting snooze 4 times...) I'm greatful for Amy's Vegan Bowls. I can keep one or two in the freezer at work, and lunch is served. I took healthy snacks to work today, and made sure I had a small snack about an hour before I left work, so I wasn't STARVING when I walked in the house this evening. It was a smart move. I got an extra special treat, because a co-worker shared an entire bag full of fresh herbs from her herb garden with me. I am looking forward to finding receipes to incorporate them into. Dinner was a bit touch and go. I had a veggie burger, and a bowl of Kashi. (Like I said, I need to go grocery shopping, but can't until tomorrow evening.) Overall, I know I could be more balanced, but I am proud I am not giving into temptation, and not eating emotionally because life is a bit stressful right now.
Overall, I am growing. Father God, help me to continue on this journey. Help me to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try new things that scare me. Help me to remember you could be moving the mountains in my life rock by rock, instead of removing the mountain instantly from my sight. God I thank you that I can push my body further then I thought. And God, I am sorry I haven't taken care of it in the past. I know you understand every hurt that lead me to this path, and because of that, I am not going to berate myself or beat myself up or hide in shame. Instead, I'm going to take deep grace-filled breaths, and I am going to walk step by step into all that you have for. Thank you for loving me deeply, especially when I feel as though I am a million miles from all that you have for me.
How silly of me to think I would want to work out hard after work on a high humidity 90 degree day. Maybe tomorrow I will think twice about hitting snooze. However, I know I honestly won't. I can always hope though.
My work out today consisted of running for 2 miles, (two really really long miles...) and it was hard going. The heat was more then I had planned on, and I took a different route then I normally do, and google maps, doesn't show you the hills ahead of time. It was a hilly, bumpy, rolling course. But I did it. At the half way point, I needed to stop, and walk for a minute to catch my breath, and seriously thought about phoning it in. Then I caught a second wind, and kept going. After my run, I did a series of 30 squats, 20 crunches, 10 jumping jacks, 5 push-ups then climbed the ladder back up of 5 push-ups, 10 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, & 30 squats. (Thank you pinterest for your work out ideas.)
Those last 15 squats, that last half of mile, the moments that get really really hard. That's what I am doing this for. To prove to myself that I am stronger then I even know, stronger then I believe.
The Emotional Path:
I literally want to cry when I think about the damage I have done to my body. When I think that all the years of eating fast food, slamming diet coke, eating out of boredom, and seeking food as a source of stress relief and comfort. I can look in the mirror and see each broken relationship on my thighs, each unkind word spoken on my arms, each pain on my stomache, and every insecurity on my hips. I am overwhelmed by the challenge it will take to reverse and improve the damage. It will literally take a lot of time and a lot of work to move the mountain.
I was in a conversation with a dear mentor today, and she said, mentioned the verse in the Bible that reads "Truly, I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, ' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. We often think that it's because we lack faith that the mountain doesn't move, but what if the mountain is moving, but God is moving it not in a dramatic miracle WOW moment, but rather in a gradual way. What if God is moving the impossible and hard situations in our life, boulder by boulder, rock by rock.
That's what I feel like God is doing in my life currently. I am facing some big mountains, I am trying to understand, what God is positioning me in. I am facing some challenges that go beyond what I can comprehend with my natural eyes. And I am begging God to move.
What if He is, and I just don't discern it yet. What if He is moving the mountain, boulder by boulder. This weightloss journey is so much more then becoming physically fit. This journey is about becoming stronger in my faith, it's about becoming stronger physically & mentally, it's about letting go of excuses & fears that have held me back. It's making me slowly better then I was.
I am not going to reverse the damage I have done over-night. However, I can take one step in front of the other, lace up my running shoes, and remove the damage literally one step at a time.
Food:
Smoothies have become my best friend in the morning. It's easy to throw almond milk, kale leaves, fruit, and a few ice cubes into the magic bullet. I can drink it on the way to work. Lunches back at work are a bit of a challenge, (especially when I wake up after hitting snooze 4 times...) I'm greatful for Amy's Vegan Bowls. I can keep one or two in the freezer at work, and lunch is served. I took healthy snacks to work today, and made sure I had a small snack about an hour before I left work, so I wasn't STARVING when I walked in the house this evening. It was a smart move. I got an extra special treat, because a co-worker shared an entire bag full of fresh herbs from her herb garden with me. I am looking forward to finding receipes to incorporate them into. Dinner was a bit touch and go. I had a veggie burger, and a bowl of Kashi. (Like I said, I need to go grocery shopping, but can't until tomorrow evening.) Overall, I know I could be more balanced, but I am proud I am not giving into temptation, and not eating emotionally because life is a bit stressful right now.
Overall, I am growing. Father God, help me to continue on this journey. Help me to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try new things that scare me. Help me to remember you could be moving the mountains in my life rock by rock, instead of removing the mountain instantly from my sight. God I thank you that I can push my body further then I thought. And God, I am sorry I haven't taken care of it in the past. I know you understand every hurt that lead me to this path, and because of that, I am not going to berate myself or beat myself up or hide in shame. Instead, I'm going to take deep grace-filled breaths, and I am going to walk step by step into all that you have for. Thank you for loving me deeply, especially when I feel as though I am a million miles from all that you have for me.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Next Steps: Day Two
Well, it's Sunday. It's supposed to be the day of rest, with the emotions I am currently experiencing in my personal life, and from walking through this wellness journey, I don't know that much rest, happened today. Just a lot of processing, a lot of questions, and a lot of just putting one foot in front of the other.
I woke up this morning knowing it was a moderate work out day. Lucky for me, I didn't have to go to work on this morning so I was able to get outside and do sprints (or my version of sprints) I run to one end of the soccer field, to turn around and walk back. For 20 minutes, and then do squats, lunges, and planks afterwards. It was humid, and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I felt like my shorts where to short, there's nothing flattering about a sports bra, and my shoes didn't match. I was entirely frusturated with the way my hair went back into it's pony tail. I felt like I looked like a mess. And I definitely felt like a mess. However, 5 minutes into it, something happened...I realized, as messy and hard is this felt. I could push through. I could work hard for 20 minutes. And it wasn't going to matter in 3 months how messy I looked today. In three months, I will feel better about how my legs look in shorts, my sports bra will fit less snugly in my underarm/back fat, and I can always buy new shoes. But I am going to make myself earn them.
After 15 minutes I felt strong. I knew I could make it another 5 minutes, and I was going to be proud of myself when I did.
I couldn't help paralell that with what I was feeling spiritually. Right, now everything feels messy. I wonder if God is there or if He is hearing my prayers. All I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. But as I push through with God and keep praying, things will lift. In three months from now, it's not going to matter how messy this stage of my life feels. In three months from now, I am going to be stronger, and feel better about myself. It doesn't matter how difficult I feel about this journey right now, God is helping me to build up some spiritual muscles. Next time I am faced with difficulty I will know how to handle it. I will be better when life doesn't go as planned. And I like that feeling.
God didn't promise us a life free from difficulty. He promised us He would see us through the storm. I like that.
Food was harder today. I desperately need to go grocery shopping and clean out my fridge. I don't have that opportunity until Tuesday evening. For now, I am finishing off the remnants in my fridge. I had a dear friend invite me out to lunch and I made the choice to get a salad. I wish I had gotten the dressing on the side, but had forgot to ask. However, it was better then anything else on the menu, and was quite tasty. It was only 360 calories, so I guess I could have made a worse choice. I am learning that prepping ahead of time, would help me in these situations. It's easy to think that I could come home from church and prep my food for the day, but usually I just need to eat the minute I walk in the door. My goal is to make sure I have food prepped that I can always pull out of the fridge so I don't snack poorly as I am prepping the meal.
I said today I would publish pictures and measurments. I thought I could be brave and do that, but I think I am going to wait a day or two. I just need to feel better about it. I already felt like too much of a mess today. I know that's being a chicken, but I just can't yet. Pray for me!
I woke up this morning knowing it was a moderate work out day. Lucky for me, I didn't have to go to work on this morning so I was able to get outside and do sprints (or my version of sprints) I run to one end of the soccer field, to turn around and walk back. For 20 minutes, and then do squats, lunges, and planks afterwards. It was humid, and all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I felt like my shorts where to short, there's nothing flattering about a sports bra, and my shoes didn't match. I was entirely frusturated with the way my hair went back into it's pony tail. I felt like I looked like a mess. And I definitely felt like a mess. However, 5 minutes into it, something happened...I realized, as messy and hard is this felt. I could push through. I could work hard for 20 minutes. And it wasn't going to matter in 3 months how messy I looked today. In three months, I will feel better about how my legs look in shorts, my sports bra will fit less snugly in my underarm/back fat, and I can always buy new shoes. But I am going to make myself earn them.
After 15 minutes I felt strong. I knew I could make it another 5 minutes, and I was going to be proud of myself when I did.
I couldn't help paralell that with what I was feeling spiritually. Right, now everything feels messy. I wonder if God is there or if He is hearing my prayers. All I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. But as I push through with God and keep praying, things will lift. In three months from now, it's not going to matter how messy this stage of my life feels. In three months from now, I am going to be stronger, and feel better about myself. It doesn't matter how difficult I feel about this journey right now, God is helping me to build up some spiritual muscles. Next time I am faced with difficulty I will know how to handle it. I will be better when life doesn't go as planned. And I like that feeling.
God didn't promise us a life free from difficulty. He promised us He would see us through the storm. I like that.
Food was harder today. I desperately need to go grocery shopping and clean out my fridge. I don't have that opportunity until Tuesday evening. For now, I am finishing off the remnants in my fridge. I had a dear friend invite me out to lunch and I made the choice to get a salad. I wish I had gotten the dressing on the side, but had forgot to ask. However, it was better then anything else on the menu, and was quite tasty. It was only 360 calories, so I guess I could have made a worse choice. I am learning that prepping ahead of time, would help me in these situations. It's easy to think that I could come home from church and prep my food for the day, but usually I just need to eat the minute I walk in the door. My goal is to make sure I have food prepped that I can always pull out of the fridge so I don't snack poorly as I am prepping the meal.
I said today I would publish pictures and measurments. I thought I could be brave and do that, but I think I am going to wait a day or two. I just need to feel better about it. I already felt like too much of a mess today. I know that's being a chicken, but I just can't yet. Pray for me!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
The Starting Point: Day 1
This blog is inspired by the fact that I am on a whole new journey. One that was inspired by my life situation, and then on a dime that situation changed. One day things where, the next day they weren't. However, I made commitments, and I want to maintain those. I want to keep those promises. They started off as promises to others, but have since transformed into promises for me.
Promises to ourselves are the hardest to keep. There's no one holding us accountable. There's no one to get on you when you fail. But when you keep those promises to yourself, then they can't be taken away from you.
This is my fitness and wealthness plan. It's a plan with goals, and stopping/starting points. Yes, its about numbers and calories. However, it's about more then that. It's about overcoming the emotions of the past, struggling through the promises of today, and looking towards a brighter future.
THE PAST
I have always been overweight. As far back as I can remember. In the 5th grade, I remember the only two other girls in my class asking me: "What does it feel like to be a pig?" I went home and cried. And shoved those emotions so far away. I made a promise to myself to NEVER let anyone know they could effect me like that ever again. However, food became my constant source of comfort. It was a double edged sword. I knew it wasn't love, but it was comfort. Coming from a past full of sexual abuse, my constant thought was: "If I stay fat, no one will love me. If no one loves me, they can't use me or abuse me." And that's the honest truth. As I've started healing from those things, I can see know it was faulty thinking. But there's a part of me that cries for that little girl who didn't know better as she continued to see french fries, chocolate, chips, cookies, Reeses' PB Cups, for her only source of comfort. The lies where too dark for her to know the truth.
The PRESENT
I still struggle. I know that eating clean makes me feel better. I know that the aches and pains of my ever-aging body feel better with consistent and regular moment. I know that I should be exercising in some manner every day. I know that I will save money and time if I prep food at the begining of the week. I know that my dress size has nothing to do with how much I am loved by people, or by a great big God who accepts me faults and all. I know that this journey is solely for me. That no one can make it happen. That only with God giving me the strength, can I begin to confront the lies of the past to move forward.
The PLAN
Food: Two weeks ago I began eating a mostly vegan diet. My skin instantly cleared up (within 2 days), and my pants fit much better after a week. So for the next three weeks I am going with a mostly vegan diet, allowing myself animal proteins when I feel dizzy or there is really nothing else available. This is not a forever plan. This is a cleansing phase.
Exercise: Every day for 3 weeks I am working out. One day is a hard day: 60 minutes of cardio & strength training. Body weight exercises etc. One day is a moderate day: 45 minutes of cardio and body weight exercises. Again this is not a forever plan. It is a kick my own butt start plan. I am currently on Day 6 of 21 days. It's been hard. But I am hoping that as I push forward it just becomes something I want to do. Not something I dread doing.
The FUTURE
I don't know what the future holds. No one does. However, I hope to drop 60lbs over the next year. I hope to be able to enjoy physical activity, and try new things.
This blog is going to be a very real picture into who I am. Tomorrow, I am going to be brave and post pictures along with my current measurements. I am not going to hide the days I make mistakes. I'm going to be honest when I mess up and eat ice cream. I am going to be honest about the emotions that went into that choice. I am going to be vulnerable about the struggles I face as I try new workouts.
Why I am doing this: Because I need to. I need to keep commitments I made to myself. I need to push forward to get different results. "Nothing changes if nothing changes."---Bob Dykstra It would be easy to hide. To use my weight and insecurites as a way to keep wrapped up in pain. I'm literally tired of being weighed down.
Promises to ourselves are the hardest to keep. There's no one holding us accountable. There's no one to get on you when you fail. But when you keep those promises to yourself, then they can't be taken away from you.
This is my fitness and wealthness plan. It's a plan with goals, and stopping/starting points. Yes, its about numbers and calories. However, it's about more then that. It's about overcoming the emotions of the past, struggling through the promises of today, and looking towards a brighter future.
THE PAST
I have always been overweight. As far back as I can remember. In the 5th grade, I remember the only two other girls in my class asking me: "What does it feel like to be a pig?" I went home and cried. And shoved those emotions so far away. I made a promise to myself to NEVER let anyone know they could effect me like that ever again. However, food became my constant source of comfort. It was a double edged sword. I knew it wasn't love, but it was comfort. Coming from a past full of sexual abuse, my constant thought was: "If I stay fat, no one will love me. If no one loves me, they can't use me or abuse me." And that's the honest truth. As I've started healing from those things, I can see know it was faulty thinking. But there's a part of me that cries for that little girl who didn't know better as she continued to see french fries, chocolate, chips, cookies, Reeses' PB Cups, for her only source of comfort. The lies where too dark for her to know the truth.
The PRESENT
I still struggle. I know that eating clean makes me feel better. I know that the aches and pains of my ever-aging body feel better with consistent and regular moment. I know that I should be exercising in some manner every day. I know that I will save money and time if I prep food at the begining of the week. I know that my dress size has nothing to do with how much I am loved by people, or by a great big God who accepts me faults and all. I know that this journey is solely for me. That no one can make it happen. That only with God giving me the strength, can I begin to confront the lies of the past to move forward.
The PLAN
Food: Two weeks ago I began eating a mostly vegan diet. My skin instantly cleared up (within 2 days), and my pants fit much better after a week. So for the next three weeks I am going with a mostly vegan diet, allowing myself animal proteins when I feel dizzy or there is really nothing else available. This is not a forever plan. This is a cleansing phase.
Exercise: Every day for 3 weeks I am working out. One day is a hard day: 60 minutes of cardio & strength training. Body weight exercises etc. One day is a moderate day: 45 minutes of cardio and body weight exercises. Again this is not a forever plan. It is a kick my own butt start plan. I am currently on Day 6 of 21 days. It's been hard. But I am hoping that as I push forward it just becomes something I want to do. Not something I dread doing.
The FUTURE
I don't know what the future holds. No one does. However, I hope to drop 60lbs over the next year. I hope to be able to enjoy physical activity, and try new things.
This blog is going to be a very real picture into who I am. Tomorrow, I am going to be brave and post pictures along with my current measurements. I am not going to hide the days I make mistakes. I'm going to be honest when I mess up and eat ice cream. I am going to be honest about the emotions that went into that choice. I am going to be vulnerable about the struggles I face as I try new workouts.
Why I am doing this: Because I need to. I need to keep commitments I made to myself. I need to push forward to get different results. "Nothing changes if nothing changes."---Bob Dykstra It would be easy to hide. To use my weight and insecurites as a way to keep wrapped up in pain. I'm literally tired of being weighed down.
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