The Starting Point: Day 1

This blog is inspired by the fact that I am on a whole new journey. One that was inspired by my life situation, and then on a dime that situation changed. One day things where, the next day they weren't. However, I made commitments, and I want to maintain those. I want to keep those promises. They started off as promises to others, but have since transformed into promises for me.

Promises to ourselves are the hardest to keep. There's no one holding us accountable. There's no one to get on you when you fail. But when you keep those promises to yourself, then they can't be taken away from you.

This is my fitness and wealthness plan. It's a plan with goals, and stopping/starting points. Yes, its about numbers and calories. However, it's about more then that. It's about overcoming the emotions of the past, struggling through the promises of today, and looking towards a brighter future.

THE PAST
I have always been overweight. As far back as I can remember. In the 5th grade, I remember the only two other girls in my class asking me: "What does it feel like to be a pig?" I went home and cried. And shoved those emotions so far away. I made a promise to myself to NEVER let anyone know they could effect me like that ever again. However, food became my constant source of comfort. It was a double edged sword. I knew it wasn't love, but it was comfort. Coming from a past full of sexual abuse, my constant thought was: "If I stay fat, no one will love me. If no one loves me, they can't use me or abuse me." And that's the honest truth. As I've started healing from those things, I can see know it was faulty thinking. But there's a part of me that cries for that little girl who didn't know better as she continued to see french fries, chocolate, chips, cookies, Reeses' PB Cups, for her only source of comfort. The lies where too dark for her to know the truth.

The PRESENT
I still struggle. I know that eating clean makes me feel better. I know that the aches and pains of my ever-aging body feel better with consistent and regular moment. I know that I should be exercising in some manner every day. I know that I will save money and time if I prep food at the begining of the week. I know that my dress size has nothing to do with how much I am loved by people, or by a great big God who accepts me faults and all. I know that this journey is solely for me. That no one can make it happen. That only with God giving me the strength, can I begin to confront the lies of the past to move forward.

The PLAN
Food: Two weeks ago I began eating a mostly vegan diet. My skin instantly cleared up (within 2 days), and my pants fit much better after a week. So for the next three weeks I am going with a mostly vegan diet, allowing myself animal proteins when I feel dizzy or there is really nothing else available. This is not a forever plan. This is a cleansing phase.
Exercise: Every day for 3 weeks I am working out. One day is a hard day: 60 minutes of cardio & strength training. Body weight exercises etc. One day is a moderate day: 45 minutes of cardio and body weight exercises. Again this is not a forever plan. It is a kick my own butt start plan. I am currently on Day 6 of 21 days. It's been hard. But I am hoping that as I push forward it just becomes something I want to do. Not something I dread doing.

The FUTURE
I don't know what the future holds. No one does. However, I hope to drop 60lbs over the next year. I hope to be able to enjoy physical activity, and try new things.

This blog is going to be a very real picture into who I am. Tomorrow, I am going to be brave and post pictures along with my current measurements. I am not going to hide the days I make mistakes. I'm going to be honest when I mess up and eat ice cream. I am going to be honest about the emotions that went into that choice. I am going to be vulnerable about the struggles I face as I try new workouts.

Why I am doing this: Because I need to. I need to keep commitments I made to myself. I need to push forward to get different results. "Nothing changes if nothing changes."---Bob Dykstra It would be easy to hide. To use my weight and insecurites as a way to keep wrapped up in pain. I'm literally tired of being weighed down.