I have sat on this particular post for a few weeks. I have never jotted down notes when I blog to figure out what I want to say. I don't really often think through what I am going to write. Instead, I write for the simple therapy of it. This is different. I have jotted down notes, I have thought it through, I have prayed over it. What you are about to read is sacred to me. It's holy ground in a sense. I'm not sure I can do it justice.
Deep Cries Out to Deep
She walked in the room with a poise and grace I have never seen before, yet there was a deep vulnerability that consumed me as she sat down. The vulnerability radiated all around her, it permeated the air, and fell heavily upon me. As she sat at the table across from me, I couldn't help but realize I was about to embark on holy ground. Just as Moses was instructed to remover his sandals, I knew I need to remove a peice of myself before we began the interview. Any preconceived notions I had about how this was going to play out, or what course the conversation was going to take, needed to be removed, and very quickly.
We will call her Grace. It seems appropriate after learning all she had been thorugh and still carried herself with dignity and respect. Grace was just like any other teenager growing up in her small apartment in with her single mother in a small town in Minnesota . She had friends, she laughed, and she had crushes on celebrities as is a tried and true right into the world of teenagers. Being from a single parent household money was always tight, but they had shelter, and food, and heat in the winter. There wasn't a lot left over for extras but it never mattered much to Grace.
One cold particular rainy day, that's when things changed. She came home to discover her mom's new boyfriends coat hanging up on the hook in the hallway. She wasn't a fan of this new beau. There was something about his smile that left Grace feeling unnerved. He offered lot's of promises of a new and better life, but there seemed to be binding strings attached to each one. His appearance didn't seem convey the money and affluent lifestyle he talked about concerning his job and the financial gains he had.
As Grace grabbed a few crackers and a handful of grapes she sat down on the couch waiting for her mom and this man to emerge from the bedroom. She turned the TV up so she could drown out the intimate sounds coming from the hallway. She never made it through the sitcom. This new boyfriend with the leering smile, emerged took one look at her sitting on the couch, and dragged her back to her bedroom. Her called it her intiation into the game. From that day forward he would have his way with her body, and bring countless men over to do the same. He walked her to school, and would breath down her neck threats of how he would kill her and her mother and it would be her fault if she dared breath a word to anyone. After the terror she experienced at his hands she believed him. He was there when she was done with school. her chances for escape where narrow and she believed she had no choices except to continue on.
The profits he made from her, she never saw a dime. Neither did her mother.
Nearly 19 months after it all began he was arrested on drug charges, while spending the few days in jail, thats when she made her escape. She told the school social worker. She showed the principal her bruises that she had always hidden with baggy sweatshirts and long pants. Less then a week later she was removed from her home.
Grace has only seen her mother once since she was removed. Her mother refused to press charges on the man, and told Grace she should have kept quiet.
While recounting her story Grace never once wavered. Her voice never once quaked. No tears shown from her eyes as she looked at me from across that walnut covered table. Behind her eyes was a fierceness that was beyond her years.
I asked her what she felt people needed to now about her story, that could help them. She stared down at the table, for a long moment. Looking up, she said, "To fight. Sometimes fighting to survive is all you have. It's all I had. Fight." Then the tears broke. My own heart ached.
Grace calmed down and said, " They tried to break me. They almost won, but each night when everything was over, instead of laying in bed and feeling sorry for myself, I told myself, I still had the choice to live. I still had the choice to learn. I still had the choice to breath. They couldn't take that from me. Since, being away from that situation and getting her four year degree in psychology. I have learned one more thing, that I still have the choice to love. I can love the people around me, I can love a great big God who protected me, and I can love the hurting. That's another thing they couldn't take from me. If they did they win. They don't get to choose the condition of my soul."
Moving Forward
Grace is currently enrolled in a graduate program to do grief and truama counseling. She will graduate this Spring. She spends weekends serving at the coffee bar at her local church and reading to children in a shelter for abused women and kids.
After speaking with Grace, I couldn't help but evaluate my own life some. Do I freely love the way Grace does? Do I love inspite of hurt I have experienced? Do I trust God the way Grace does? Am I vulnerable to those around me?
Grace exhibits the unbreakableness of the human spirit when faith and love are exercised within.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Weep with those who weep: Share Experiences
It's been awhile...
It's been a while since I have written, and it has been a concious effort to NOT write. I have been working through somethings, and the last thing I wanted to do was write for the public out of a place of hurt, or a place of bitterness, or a place of anger. However, I feel like it's out of that hurt, bitterness, and anger that God is moving in my life. I'm okay with that.
Quick Recap:
My mom has been sick. Very sick. Massive surgeries, losing vision, losing toes, and losing the love of her life very unexpectedly. The man who raised me, my step-dad Bruce, is also very sick, the VA is thinking cancer, dementia has set in, and pain is there. One family member fights a battle against addiction. My job situation drastically changed, my relationship situation drastically changed. People who had said they cared where suddenly MIA. Friends stopped calling etc. Life was one BIG ball of stress, and I felt it in my back, in my shoulders, in my jaw, in my hip, and in my tears.
Moving Forward:
I'm better. I am no longer stressed. I am no longer in tears every day over these things. I still hurt over them once in awhile, but events have a way of passing, and these ones will too. However, I am changed. I think about the language we use a Christians, as the church and wonder if we are helping, or hurting with the things we say.
"God will never give you more then you can handle."---FALSE. The Bible never ever says that. If that was true, explain Auschwitz. Explain the millions of girls being raped every single day across the globe. Explain why children get beaten to death by those who are meant to protect them.
"Everything is GREAT. My family is healthy, and perfect, and we have great jobs. God has blessed us because He loves us." So....those who have family that isn't healthy? Are we saying that God, isn't blessing them because He doesn't love them? Those INCREDIBLE HARD WORKING men who are talented and excel in their career, but lost jobs due to unforseen circumstance...God's holding back blessings from them, because they are bad? What about those struggling and fighting mental illness? Is there a form of sin in their lives.
"Pray about it. You will get an answer. God ALWAYS answers." What if they have prayed about it, and God has remain SILENT? What about those people who just do not have the strength in themselves to pray another prayer, because they don't have the faith that God can answer.
Real Talk
Don't for two seconds think that my faith in any of the above circumstances has wavered. I believe with all my heart and soul that God can turn around any situation in any moment, and that is that. Sometimes though our words hurt, those struggling so much more then we know, and they suffer in silence. Let's set one thing straight right now...You may have your dream job, your dream house, your dream spouse, you dream life. God may have paved the way for you to get it. You may have a miracle baby and child on your hands, and I am so incredibly happy for you. I rejoice at your blessings, but don't you for two seconds think that because someone doesn't have those things that they aren't blessed. God just has something different for them, a different understanding of life He wants to give them.
Take a moment. Count all your blessings. Thank God for every single one of them. Make the list: family, friends, wellness, health, jobs, food, breath, now....imagine this, every single thing on that list is gone. Taken away. Tragically, suddenly, or even ceases to ever have existed.
Are you still blessed?
Let's be careful what we say. We don't know who we are hurting. Your brand new home may be beautiful, but to the husband who just signed foreclosure papers, he's blessed too. Even if you or him can't see it. You brand new baby is gorgeous, but what about the woman who can't have children. By saying, "I am blessed." May just speak the message to the barren woman: You are not blessed. God does not love you, because you cannot have children.
The very fact that we have breath. The very fact that we can have life. The very fact that God has chosen us. That makes us blessed.
Take a few moments this week to fulfill the second half of the command: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Stop telling people to get over it. Stop telling people to pray about it. Stop telling people to give it to God. Roll up your sleeves, and get in the mess with them. Set down your agenda for Sunday morning, and weep with them at the altar. Put a hand on thier shoulder and look them in the eye and ask what is going on.
Weep with those who weep. The is such beauty in shared experiences.
It's been a while since I have written, and it has been a concious effort to NOT write. I have been working through somethings, and the last thing I wanted to do was write for the public out of a place of hurt, or a place of bitterness, or a place of anger. However, I feel like it's out of that hurt, bitterness, and anger that God is moving in my life. I'm okay with that.
Quick Recap:
My mom has been sick. Very sick. Massive surgeries, losing vision, losing toes, and losing the love of her life very unexpectedly. The man who raised me, my step-dad Bruce, is also very sick, the VA is thinking cancer, dementia has set in, and pain is there. One family member fights a battle against addiction. My job situation drastically changed, my relationship situation drastically changed. People who had said they cared where suddenly MIA. Friends stopped calling etc. Life was one BIG ball of stress, and I felt it in my back, in my shoulders, in my jaw, in my hip, and in my tears.
Moving Forward:
I'm better. I am no longer stressed. I am no longer in tears every day over these things. I still hurt over them once in awhile, but events have a way of passing, and these ones will too. However, I am changed. I think about the language we use a Christians, as the church and wonder if we are helping, or hurting with the things we say.
"God will never give you more then you can handle."---FALSE. The Bible never ever says that. If that was true, explain Auschwitz. Explain the millions of girls being raped every single day across the globe. Explain why children get beaten to death by those who are meant to protect them.
"Everything is GREAT. My family is healthy, and perfect, and we have great jobs. God has blessed us because He loves us." So....those who have family that isn't healthy? Are we saying that God, isn't blessing them because He doesn't love them? Those INCREDIBLE HARD WORKING men who are talented and excel in their career, but lost jobs due to unforseen circumstance...God's holding back blessings from them, because they are bad? What about those struggling and fighting mental illness? Is there a form of sin in their lives.
"Pray about it. You will get an answer. God ALWAYS answers." What if they have prayed about it, and God has remain SILENT? What about those people who just do not have the strength in themselves to pray another prayer, because they don't have the faith that God can answer.
Real Talk
Don't for two seconds think that my faith in any of the above circumstances has wavered. I believe with all my heart and soul that God can turn around any situation in any moment, and that is that. Sometimes though our words hurt, those struggling so much more then we know, and they suffer in silence. Let's set one thing straight right now...You may have your dream job, your dream house, your dream spouse, you dream life. God may have paved the way for you to get it. You may have a miracle baby and child on your hands, and I am so incredibly happy for you. I rejoice at your blessings, but don't you for two seconds think that because someone doesn't have those things that they aren't blessed. God just has something different for them, a different understanding of life He wants to give them.
Take a moment. Count all your blessings. Thank God for every single one of them. Make the list: family, friends, wellness, health, jobs, food, breath, now....imagine this, every single thing on that list is gone. Taken away. Tragically, suddenly, or even ceases to ever have existed.
Are you still blessed?
Let's be careful what we say. We don't know who we are hurting. Your brand new home may be beautiful, but to the husband who just signed foreclosure papers, he's blessed too. Even if you or him can't see it. You brand new baby is gorgeous, but what about the woman who can't have children. By saying, "I am blessed." May just speak the message to the barren woman: You are not blessed. God does not love you, because you cannot have children.
The very fact that we have breath. The very fact that we can have life. The very fact that God has chosen us. That makes us blessed.
Take a few moments this week to fulfill the second half of the command: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Stop telling people to get over it. Stop telling people to pray about it. Stop telling people to give it to God. Roll up your sleeves, and get in the mess with them. Set down your agenda for Sunday morning, and weep with them at the altar. Put a hand on thier shoulder and look them in the eye and ask what is going on.
Weep with those who weep. The is such beauty in shared experiences.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
When it Feels Like Everything is Caving In: Where Does my Help Come From?
I apologize now, that this entry has nothing to do with fitness, or health, or wellness. I apologize if it's going to come across angry and bitter, or even hurt. But the honest truth, is I am hurting. A lot. And this is my blog, so I can write about whatever I want. And I shouldn't feel the need to to apologize for it, but I am.
Life
These last few months have been hard. I have confronted areas of my past that I have wanted to leave untouched. My relationship fell apart and I still don't understand fully what happened, or what I could have done different. I have battled some intense physical battles, and a few viruses. I am grieving alongside my mother who lost her soul-mate, the person she called the love of her life, and has faced some major surgeries, and illnesses herself. I am watching from the side-lines as a beloved family member walks through the pain of his own relationship falling apart, and walking through the brave steps of rehab. I feel attacked in every single area: career, relationships, family, personal...You name it I have faced a struggle or battle in it.
Don't get me wrong I have faced way harder things before. Bigger more life altering news, much much more difficult situations. And I know I have come out on the otherside. And it's been okay. I just don't understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.
For every single question I dare ask: Is it me? What have I done wrong? Is this a spiritual attack? What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to feel? What the heck am I doing? Why does life hurt so much sometimes? How is it possible I have any tears left? Am I hiding? Who can I turn to in these moments? Am I making poor choices? Do I own thse decisions? And so on and so on...every question I ask breeds two or three more questions. And every person I talk to gives conflicting advice.
The Advice
You're doing just fine! You got this! You need to examine your own heart because clearly something is wrong. What did you do to cause THAT to happen? This isn't you, it's them. You should be nicer. You're being too nice. You can't hold so strongly to your opinions. You need own your opinions.
And I am sincerely just confused, and hurting. I hate being weak. I hate admitting, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I hate that every single situation is beyone my control. I can't turn back the clock. I can't take back words that have spoken by me or others. I can't reverse decisions of the past. I can't heal broken bodies or broken hearts. I can't raise loved ones from the dead. I am at a loss. And it's heartbreaking.
The Truth and the Choice
While, I can't do any of the above, and I am at a loss. I am found in a place that only God can reach me in. I'm not trying to be overly spiritual...most days I don't feel spiritual at all. There's nothing spiritual about questioning everything. There's nothing Christ-like about crying myself to sleep every single night. There's amazing about knowing that in and of myself, I don't have the strength to face the next day, and only through Christ can I make it.
One minute I lay down every situation to God in prayer. The next I'm hurting in a new way over it. The next day, I know that God helped me through yesterday, but I am just not quite sure I will make it through today. I remind myself daily, that when striving (aka: me trying to fix things) ceases, that is when God's strength is made new in my life. I remind myself several times a day that I need to again, ask God to help me trust Him. I read and pray that scripture time and time again: Even when I am faithless, God you are faithful. If I wait on the Lord, you will renew my strength. I will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.
The only consoling thought in all of this is: I have a choice. I can cash in, I can throw in the towel. I can walk away from God. I can stop trying to trust people. I can give up and just exists...or...I can keep praying. I can keep asking God for help. I can keep being messy and fall seven times, what matters is I ask God to help me up the eighth time. I can say with all confidence that this to shall pass.
It will hurt until it does pass. It will seem overwhelming, and earth-shattering sometimes, but by the Grace of God the mountains will crumble. I do not have to bow down to despair, I can put my faith and trust and hope in something bigger then myself. Christ can meet those things. I know He can, and even when I fail to recognize that, even when I fail to see His hand on my life, I can be certain that He has not left me.
Father God, I just desperately need you. I need hope. I need strength. I need you to meet me where I am at. My heart is hurting. I need you. Can you hear the cries of your servant? Please listen to them Father. Please heal my broken heart. Please keep me close. Without you God, I couldn't take my next breath. I thank you that you know all things. That you are leading me and guiding me, and sometimes just straight up carrying me through things. I trust that you are Jehovah Jirah. I trust that the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, the Father of the Christ, is still active in my life today. God please move. Please help me to keep coming to you and putting my trust and hope in all that you have for me, and those I love. God, please protect my loved ones. Those who's hearts are far from you, those who know you well, be with them. Guide them and carry them. Father, even in the hurt I say thank you for the pain. The pain lets me know that my love for others is real. It lets me know that I am still alive and still fighting. It gives me a small glimpse into the agony you must feel when your children, YOUR CREATION, turn away from you, it's a tiny small glimpse, and so dim, but I am still thankful that you created me in your image. In your image I was created to feel things: love, joy, happiness, peace, pain, hurt, grief, and sadness. By being created in your image I must remember there is a time for all things. A time for joy and gladness. A time for healing and a time for peace. But in that there is also a time for weeping and mourning. There is a time for pain. You bring the bitter with the sweet. I choose trust again today Oh Lord, and Father if there is any wicked way within my heart show it to me. Reveal it so I may be found in you. Please take care of me Abba God. Amen
Life
These last few months have been hard. I have confronted areas of my past that I have wanted to leave untouched. My relationship fell apart and I still don't understand fully what happened, or what I could have done different. I have battled some intense physical battles, and a few viruses. I am grieving alongside my mother who lost her soul-mate, the person she called the love of her life, and has faced some major surgeries, and illnesses herself. I am watching from the side-lines as a beloved family member walks through the pain of his own relationship falling apart, and walking through the brave steps of rehab. I feel attacked in every single area: career, relationships, family, personal...You name it I have faced a struggle or battle in it.
Don't get me wrong I have faced way harder things before. Bigger more life altering news, much much more difficult situations. And I know I have come out on the otherside. And it's been okay. I just don't understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.
For every single question I dare ask: Is it me? What have I done wrong? Is this a spiritual attack? What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to feel? What the heck am I doing? Why does life hurt so much sometimes? How is it possible I have any tears left? Am I hiding? Who can I turn to in these moments? Am I making poor choices? Do I own thse decisions? And so on and so on...every question I ask breeds two or three more questions. And every person I talk to gives conflicting advice.
The Advice
You're doing just fine! You got this! You need to examine your own heart because clearly something is wrong. What did you do to cause THAT to happen? This isn't you, it's them. You should be nicer. You're being too nice. You can't hold so strongly to your opinions. You need own your opinions.
And I am sincerely just confused, and hurting. I hate being weak. I hate admitting, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I hate that every single situation is beyone my control. I can't turn back the clock. I can't take back words that have spoken by me or others. I can't reverse decisions of the past. I can't heal broken bodies or broken hearts. I can't raise loved ones from the dead. I am at a loss. And it's heartbreaking.
The Truth and the Choice
While, I can't do any of the above, and I am at a loss. I am found in a place that only God can reach me in. I'm not trying to be overly spiritual...most days I don't feel spiritual at all. There's nothing spiritual about questioning everything. There's nothing Christ-like about crying myself to sleep every single night. There's amazing about knowing that in and of myself, I don't have the strength to face the next day, and only through Christ can I make it.
One minute I lay down every situation to God in prayer. The next I'm hurting in a new way over it. The next day, I know that God helped me through yesterday, but I am just not quite sure I will make it through today. I remind myself daily, that when striving (aka: me trying to fix things) ceases, that is when God's strength is made new in my life. I remind myself several times a day that I need to again, ask God to help me trust Him. I read and pray that scripture time and time again: Even when I am faithless, God you are faithful. If I wait on the Lord, you will renew my strength. I will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.
The only consoling thought in all of this is: I have a choice. I can cash in, I can throw in the towel. I can walk away from God. I can stop trying to trust people. I can give up and just exists...or...I can keep praying. I can keep asking God for help. I can keep being messy and fall seven times, what matters is I ask God to help me up the eighth time. I can say with all confidence that this to shall pass.
It will hurt until it does pass. It will seem overwhelming, and earth-shattering sometimes, but by the Grace of God the mountains will crumble. I do not have to bow down to despair, I can put my faith and trust and hope in something bigger then myself. Christ can meet those things. I know He can, and even when I fail to recognize that, even when I fail to see His hand on my life, I can be certain that He has not left me.
Father God, I just desperately need you. I need hope. I need strength. I need you to meet me where I am at. My heart is hurting. I need you. Can you hear the cries of your servant? Please listen to them Father. Please heal my broken heart. Please keep me close. Without you God, I couldn't take my next breath. I thank you that you know all things. That you are leading me and guiding me, and sometimes just straight up carrying me through things. I trust that you are Jehovah Jirah. I trust that the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, the Father of the Christ, is still active in my life today. God please move. Please help me to keep coming to you and putting my trust and hope in all that you have for me, and those I love. God, please protect my loved ones. Those who's hearts are far from you, those who know you well, be with them. Guide them and carry them. Father, even in the hurt I say thank you for the pain. The pain lets me know that my love for others is real. It lets me know that I am still alive and still fighting. It gives me a small glimpse into the agony you must feel when your children, YOUR CREATION, turn away from you, it's a tiny small glimpse, and so dim, but I am still thankful that you created me in your image. In your image I was created to feel things: love, joy, happiness, peace, pain, hurt, grief, and sadness. By being created in your image I must remember there is a time for all things. A time for joy and gladness. A time for healing and a time for peace. But in that there is also a time for weeping and mourning. There is a time for pain. You bring the bitter with the sweet. I choose trust again today Oh Lord, and Father if there is any wicked way within my heart show it to me. Reveal it so I may be found in you. Please take care of me Abba God. Amen
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I'm Just a Girl
I'm Just a Girl.
I find myself saying that a lot. I get into a discussion with a friend, and I cry. I put on a fake smile, shake my head, and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just being a girl." Or I deeply feel compassion for someone, really and truly am excited at their great news, whatever it is: engagement, upcoming birth, new promotion at work, etc. and the tears come then too. Again, I shake my head and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Or the stress of the day is too much: failed decisions, minor mistakes made, burning the pan yet again while cooking dinner. I get upset. I have an emotional outburst and again, the head shake and the "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Why the need to apologize or offer my feminity as an excuse?
This journey this health and wellness journey has morphed and evolved into something that I never ever saw coming. I have confronted deep fears, I have failed more times then I can count, I have cried way more than my fair share of tears, I have seen countless victories, I have run further than I thought possible, and I have tried new exercises that I thought there is no way I can do that. I have used my excuse: I can't do that, I'm just a girl, more times than I care to admit. This journey isn't about just physical health. It's been a spiritual journey, and an emotional healing journey.
I'm not afraid to admit that since losing my job a week ago, I have felt lost, fusturated, and confused. Somehow without realizing it, my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing. I keep falling into that trap of life over and over again. I start off doing something because I want God to shine through and be lifted up, and instead find myself hoping my efforts would shine through instea. Being an emotional eater, and hating to cook, I have gone to Chipotle more times then I care to admit, and I have eaten odd combinations of foods when I am just bored, peanut butter & baby carrots, anyone?. I can't help it. I'm just a girl. I'm wired for relationship. I'm wired to need people. I'm wired to care what they think. I'm wired to cry when I am upset, or happy, or thinking, or confused, or...you get the picture.
But God is showing me that I am exactly who He created me to be, and it's perfectly okay. I AM A GIRL. And therefore it's okay to act like one. It's okay to cry at the loss of things I love. It's okay to modify my workouts, because lets face it: I am just built physically different then a guy. I embrace the fact that I love people without reservation...once I've decided to let them in. I don't ever unlove someone. Ever. No matter what. It's acceptable and should be celebrated that I can feel so much for those around me that their life situations reduce me to tears sometimes. When my friend announced that the adoption they've been praying for is final. I cried. Great big tears. When my other friend shared a deep personal family struggle, and I prayed, for her as if it was my own burden, it's to be celebrated.
Being a girl is hard work. Being a girl from a divorced home, with a history of alcoholism, and sexual abuse, is even harder work. The lies of our culture tell us how to dress to be accepted, how to act to be loved, and to throw away your self-respect to make it in this world. Throw in HUGE trust issues, a few broken relationships, and the receipe is hard. Forgiveness has been key. I have had to forgive people who have hurt me, I have had to forgive God for letting me be hurt, and most of all I have had to forgive myself. And that's been hardest of all.
Each day, I strap on those running shoes, each blog I write. Every time I set down the chips and pick up the celery, every time I meal plan. I can feel the weight of the past dripping away. The emotional weight, the weight of sin, the weight of hurt...clunk, clunk, clunk. At first believing I deserved it came only through pain...bloody chunk by bloody chunk. As I have progressed on this journey of grace, love, health, and spiritual healing, it has started to come softer, quieter, more of a steady stream of healing. It hurts less.
Just Do It. To anyone who wonders if they have the strength to look at thier past and make an honest evaluation of it. To anyone who wonders if remaining locked up inside yourself is more painful than dealing with the issues. To anyone who is afraid to challenge themselves physically. My advice...is just do it. Begin somewhere. In a year from now, you will thank yourself for starting. I don't want to be in this same place in a year from now. And I won't be. By God's grace He has made me just one of the girls. I am human. I make mistakes. I am ordinary, and altogether extraordinary. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or angry. I pray often and loudly. I am crazy enough to believe God speaks to me, and crazier enough to act on it when He does. I judge quickly, but apologize even faster. I'm not afraid of being just a girl anymore. I am exactly who God created for me to be. Mistakes, identity issues, blood, sweat, tears and all.
I find myself saying that a lot. I get into a discussion with a friend, and I cry. I put on a fake smile, shake my head, and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just being a girl." Or I deeply feel compassion for someone, really and truly am excited at their great news, whatever it is: engagement, upcoming birth, new promotion at work, etc. and the tears come then too. Again, I shake my head and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Or the stress of the day is too much: failed decisions, minor mistakes made, burning the pan yet again while cooking dinner. I get upset. I have an emotional outburst and again, the head shake and the "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Why the need to apologize or offer my feminity as an excuse?
This journey this health and wellness journey has morphed and evolved into something that I never ever saw coming. I have confronted deep fears, I have failed more times then I can count, I have cried way more than my fair share of tears, I have seen countless victories, I have run further than I thought possible, and I have tried new exercises that I thought there is no way I can do that. I have used my excuse: I can't do that, I'm just a girl, more times than I care to admit. This journey isn't about just physical health. It's been a spiritual journey, and an emotional healing journey.
I'm not afraid to admit that since losing my job a week ago, I have felt lost, fusturated, and confused. Somehow without realizing it, my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing. I keep falling into that trap of life over and over again. I start off doing something because I want God to shine through and be lifted up, and instead find myself hoping my efforts would shine through instea. Being an emotional eater, and hating to cook, I have gone to Chipotle more times then I care to admit, and I have eaten odd combinations of foods when I am just bored, peanut butter & baby carrots, anyone?. I can't help it. I'm just a girl. I'm wired for relationship. I'm wired to need people. I'm wired to care what they think. I'm wired to cry when I am upset, or happy, or thinking, or confused, or...you get the picture.
But God is showing me that I am exactly who He created me to be, and it's perfectly okay. I AM A GIRL. And therefore it's okay to act like one. It's okay to cry at the loss of things I love. It's okay to modify my workouts, because lets face it: I am just built physically different then a guy. I embrace the fact that I love people without reservation...once I've decided to let them in. I don't ever unlove someone. Ever. No matter what. It's acceptable and should be celebrated that I can feel so much for those around me that their life situations reduce me to tears sometimes. When my friend announced that the adoption they've been praying for is final. I cried. Great big tears. When my other friend shared a deep personal family struggle, and I prayed, for her as if it was my own burden, it's to be celebrated.
Being a girl is hard work. Being a girl from a divorced home, with a history of alcoholism, and sexual abuse, is even harder work. The lies of our culture tell us how to dress to be accepted, how to act to be loved, and to throw away your self-respect to make it in this world. Throw in HUGE trust issues, a few broken relationships, and the receipe is hard. Forgiveness has been key. I have had to forgive people who have hurt me, I have had to forgive God for letting me be hurt, and most of all I have had to forgive myself. And that's been hardest of all.
Each day, I strap on those running shoes, each blog I write. Every time I set down the chips and pick up the celery, every time I meal plan. I can feel the weight of the past dripping away. The emotional weight, the weight of sin, the weight of hurt...clunk, clunk, clunk. At first believing I deserved it came only through pain...bloody chunk by bloody chunk. As I have progressed on this journey of grace, love, health, and spiritual healing, it has started to come softer, quieter, more of a steady stream of healing. It hurts less.
Just Do It. To anyone who wonders if they have the strength to look at thier past and make an honest evaluation of it. To anyone who wonders if remaining locked up inside yourself is more painful than dealing with the issues. To anyone who is afraid to challenge themselves physically. My advice...is just do it. Begin somewhere. In a year from now, you will thank yourself for starting. I don't want to be in this same place in a year from now. And I won't be. By God's grace He has made me just one of the girls. I am human. I make mistakes. I am ordinary, and altogether extraordinary. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or angry. I pray often and loudly. I am crazy enough to believe God speaks to me, and crazier enough to act on it when He does. I judge quickly, but apologize even faster. I'm not afraid of being just a girl anymore. I am exactly who God created for me to be. Mistakes, identity issues, blood, sweat, tears and all.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Choices: Food Choices, Emotional Eating, and God's Plan
I heard a speaker in church awhile back talk about how she built thankfulness into her boys. She talked about how when they where low on money, and the only food in the house was a box of pancake mix and a box of noodles, she sat her boys down and prayed: "Thank you God that we have choices." The choices weren't plentiful, but they had a choice. I think about that statement often. Am I thankful for the things in my life? Do I praise God for the fact that I have choices? The answer, the very honest answer is: NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
I like things neat and orderly in life. I like to make lists, and I like knowing the next step. I want this health and wellness journey I am am to be free of set backs. I want to know exactly what food choices I should make. Is it better to eat a plate of grain-free waffles, with raw honey, peanut butter and apples slices for breakfast, or is two eggs scrambled with tukey nitrate-free bacon and a small glass of freshly juiced juice better for me? Would I get more impact from running intervals and staying in the "fat-burning" zone be a good choice today, or should I take build up my cardio endurance and go all out? It can be an entirely daunting task. But...one that I am so very grateful to be able to take on. I am glad that, my eyes where opened to the truth that changes needed to be made, so I could realize the strength and physical things my body is able to acheive. I'm incredibly in awe of the fact that, God has given me the ability to reason through these "problems" and has provided for a way for them to be solved. Not every decision is an easy one. The solutions aren't always aparent, the facts need to be sorted through. Sometimes mistakes are made...that brownie & ice cream I had the other day. Delicious, but I certainly regretted it the next morning when my hands where puffy from the dairy and I couldn't put my favorite ring on, and I was irritable from the sugar crash.
But that isn't the end of the story. One mistake doesn't end everything, nor does it negate all the progress that has been made. Just because something is hard to do, doesn't mean it's not worth it.
God Speaks
I saw a documentary recently called the Gift of Pain. It was really really eye opening. It talked about how Christians sometimes have a harder time accepting and recovering from suffering, trials, and pain because they have chosen to believe the lie that if they are believers, pain won't and can't touch them. Christians mistakenly believe that if you're following God and are in His plan then things will go perfectly, and easily. The documentary, followed a doctor who works in the leper colonies of India. The fact that his patients cannot feel pain, is the very thing that is killing them.
A simple cut on my hand, stings. It causes pain. I know something is wrong or is amiss. I can wash it out, and apply an antibacterial agent, and place a bandaid on it, to prevent infection from getting in. A simple cut on a lepers hand, if left untreated can cause, gangrene, infections, and more. When put in that perspective pain is a blessing.
When I work out hard, and move my body in such a way that is improper form, pain will shoot through my body letting me know something is wrong, and I need to adjust. I have begun to learn that there is a difference in being sore from working out, and being in pain. Pain indicates something is wrong. Soreness is an indicator, that I was working and doing something right.
I believe that God speaks to us through pain. I believe that He even sometimes allows it, to let us know something is wrong and off course. And we need to adjust.
God's Plan
How many times have I gone to God, and been upset or angry, because I feel like He promised me something and it's not happening. Or there is a painful season in my life...and therefore He's not there, because if this was His plan, it wouldn't hurt so much. I think I have it all wrong.
I don't think I need to be suffering for God to be at work. But...the absence of pain or hardship doesn't indicate this path is His plan. The Isrealites, faced obstacles. They faced pain. They faced hardship on thier way to the Promised Land. It got so difficult in thier minds that they: LONGED TO GO BACK TO EGYPT. That blows me away!!! They longed to go back to a place of slavery, and captivity. Did pain, hardship, etc mean they weren't on the very path God had for them?
NO...in fact I believe it was a very real indicator that they where exactly where God wanted them. He was taking them on a path to get the Egypt out of them, so they could thrive in the Promised Land. Maybe, just maybe pain, hardship, hurt...maybe those are indicators in our lives that God is at work. Maybe it means that we are on the right path towards victory. Perhaps, the Devil is scared that when we reached the Promised Land of our lives we will never ever want to leave. He's scared that when we come face to face with God's sovereign plan for our lives, we will have victory, and will no longer bow down to sin, fear, hatred, or evil.
Maybe hardship means we are on the right road. Giving everything up and offering a sacrifice of honest praise in the midst of a battle, offering praise in the face of fear, giving a shout of victory when all hope seems lost, is what wins the battle.
Refusing to Bow to Doubt
I believe I can be healthy. I believe I can be whole. I believe I can overcome my fears. I believe I can face the past pain, and release those who have hurt me. Is it easy? No. But is it God's plan. Yes. Absolutely yes.
When waiting for God to fulfill His promises to me, I can believe that God answers prayers. When doubt about if I am on the right path creeps in, I will refuse to give into fear. I will choose to praise God in the storm. I can cast all my fears and anxieties on Him. He will be faithful to answer. He will make all things beautiful in His time.
God, thank you. Thank you for choices. Thank you for life. Thank you for pain that leads me to You. God, thank you that you are guiding me. That not for one moment has you presence left me. God, you are good. You give me comfort when there shouldn't be any. You give me peace when the storms of life rage. You give me blessings where I deserve none. You give me victory that I haven't earned. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I like things neat and orderly in life. I like to make lists, and I like knowing the next step. I want this health and wellness journey I am am to be free of set backs. I want to know exactly what food choices I should make. Is it better to eat a plate of grain-free waffles, with raw honey, peanut butter and apples slices for breakfast, or is two eggs scrambled with tukey nitrate-free bacon and a small glass of freshly juiced juice better for me? Would I get more impact from running intervals and staying in the "fat-burning" zone be a good choice today, or should I take build up my cardio endurance and go all out? It can be an entirely daunting task. But...one that I am so very grateful to be able to take on. I am glad that, my eyes where opened to the truth that changes needed to be made, so I could realize the strength and physical things my body is able to acheive. I'm incredibly in awe of the fact that, God has given me the ability to reason through these "problems" and has provided for a way for them to be solved. Not every decision is an easy one. The solutions aren't always aparent, the facts need to be sorted through. Sometimes mistakes are made...that brownie & ice cream I had the other day. Delicious, but I certainly regretted it the next morning when my hands where puffy from the dairy and I couldn't put my favorite ring on, and I was irritable from the sugar crash.
But that isn't the end of the story. One mistake doesn't end everything, nor does it negate all the progress that has been made. Just because something is hard to do, doesn't mean it's not worth it.
God Speaks
I saw a documentary recently called the Gift of Pain. It was really really eye opening. It talked about how Christians sometimes have a harder time accepting and recovering from suffering, trials, and pain because they have chosen to believe the lie that if they are believers, pain won't and can't touch them. Christians mistakenly believe that if you're following God and are in His plan then things will go perfectly, and easily. The documentary, followed a doctor who works in the leper colonies of India. The fact that his patients cannot feel pain, is the very thing that is killing them.
A simple cut on my hand, stings. It causes pain. I know something is wrong or is amiss. I can wash it out, and apply an antibacterial agent, and place a bandaid on it, to prevent infection from getting in. A simple cut on a lepers hand, if left untreated can cause, gangrene, infections, and more. When put in that perspective pain is a blessing.
When I work out hard, and move my body in such a way that is improper form, pain will shoot through my body letting me know something is wrong, and I need to adjust. I have begun to learn that there is a difference in being sore from working out, and being in pain. Pain indicates something is wrong. Soreness is an indicator, that I was working and doing something right.
I believe that God speaks to us through pain. I believe that He even sometimes allows it, to let us know something is wrong and off course. And we need to adjust.
God's Plan
How many times have I gone to God, and been upset or angry, because I feel like He promised me something and it's not happening. Or there is a painful season in my life...and therefore He's not there, because if this was His plan, it wouldn't hurt so much. I think I have it all wrong.
I don't think I need to be suffering for God to be at work. But...the absence of pain or hardship doesn't indicate this path is His plan. The Isrealites, faced obstacles. They faced pain. They faced hardship on thier way to the Promised Land. It got so difficult in thier minds that they: LONGED TO GO BACK TO EGYPT. That blows me away!!! They longed to go back to a place of slavery, and captivity. Did pain, hardship, etc mean they weren't on the very path God had for them?
NO...in fact I believe it was a very real indicator that they where exactly where God wanted them. He was taking them on a path to get the Egypt out of them, so they could thrive in the Promised Land. Maybe, just maybe pain, hardship, hurt...maybe those are indicators in our lives that God is at work. Maybe it means that we are on the right path towards victory. Perhaps, the Devil is scared that when we reached the Promised Land of our lives we will never ever want to leave. He's scared that when we come face to face with God's sovereign plan for our lives, we will have victory, and will no longer bow down to sin, fear, hatred, or evil.
Maybe hardship means we are on the right road. Giving everything up and offering a sacrifice of honest praise in the midst of a battle, offering praise in the face of fear, giving a shout of victory when all hope seems lost, is what wins the battle.
Refusing to Bow to Doubt
I believe I can be healthy. I believe I can be whole. I believe I can overcome my fears. I believe I can face the past pain, and release those who have hurt me. Is it easy? No. But is it God's plan. Yes. Absolutely yes.
When waiting for God to fulfill His promises to me, I can believe that God answers prayers. When doubt about if I am on the right path creeps in, I will refuse to give into fear. I will choose to praise God in the storm. I can cast all my fears and anxieties on Him. He will be faithful to answer. He will make all things beautiful in His time.
God, thank you. Thank you for choices. Thank you for life. Thank you for pain that leads me to You. God, thank you that you are guiding me. That not for one moment has you presence left me. God, you are good. You give me comfort when there shouldn't be any. You give me peace when the storms of life rage. You give me blessings where I deserve none. You give me victory that I haven't earned. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Label Reading: We read labels on more than just food.
So...I met a new friend this week. I went for my run the other evening, and literally ran into Linda. I run at a gorgeous nature sanctuary near my house, and have seen Linda a few times. Linda is obviously special needs of some kind, and typically wears braces on her legs, but she is one determined lady. Linda can outrun me any day. And often laps me on the trails. She's an inspiration to me and motivation to keep going on this journey. My excuses are entirely invalid compared to any she might have. Like I was saying, I literally ran into her yesterday. I came around a blind curve and so did she at the exact moment, and she feel down. Of course I stopped and helped her up. I guided her to the nearest bench that was conveinantly placed thier for all the nature observers. At that moment I knew I was about to have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER. Those moments that you can't orchestrate, but God can, and does. I sat with Linda for sometime, and asked her if there was any way I could help her.
She said no, she just needed to catch her breath, and that she would be okay. We began to talk. She shared with me that she was training to run a 5k to raise money for Special Olympics. At first I misunderstood her and thought she was running a 5k IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, but she rest assured me, she was just raising money for it. I asked her what inspired her to do that, and she said, "Because people need help, and I can help." I was simply blown away. How often does someone need help, and I can help, but I don't help? I am too busy and don't even bother to offer.
Linda shared with me her official diagnoises, and I honestly can't remember it. It doesn't matter to me, all that matters is she is a dear soul who is offering help to others around her. She asked me for my phone number so she could call me to "train" with me. I gave it to this beautiful soul and am looking forward to her phone call, or looking forward to running into her again.
Days later as I reflect on this encounter, and after several conversations about other labels we put on people, I am humbled. No doubt you have seen the 23 True Reasons I know I am an Introvert articles floating around. No doubt you have seen the Extroverts Revealed articles on FB. Step into any corporate setting and it's not long before you are asked to take a strengths finder test. Step into any interview and they ask: What are your top strenghts? What are your top weakness? As if two simple questions can sum up all your assets to the company. Walk around in the church world for long enough and surely you will be asked to take a spiritual gifts inventory. All tools to sum us up as a human being.
Linda is much much more then her diagnoises, just as I am much much more then any label that's placed on me. I've gotten some funny ones lately. Comments range from, "Oh you use essential oils, you must be one of those granola girls." "You actually ENJOY running? Like you actually ENJOY it...You must be a glutton for punishment." "You need down time, and alone time, are you one of those introverted hermit types?" And the list goes on and on. You know what bugs me about all the articles that describe labels? All the inventory tests? All the strengths lists? None of them sum up a person.
You can take my list of strengths: responsibility, intellection, administration. You can take my basic personality type: Introveret. You can take my temperment: Meloncholy Choleric You can take my spiritual gifts: Pastoral, Wisdom, Prophetic, Administration, & Discernment. You can take my INJT profile...and guess what NONE OF THEM SUM UP ME. You won't know the experiences I walk through. You won't know that despite being what most think of as an introvert, that I desperately need people. I need to talk out my thoughts, I need to feel validated, I need to connect. You don't know my deepest thoughts. You don't know my heart on a topic. You don't know that there are times, I am completely sanguine and extroverted. How dare you sum me up by those labels...
Better yet, how dare I sum you up by them either. You see, I am a little too quick to judge based on previous experiences. I am terrified of being hurt again by people that I tend to shy away, a lot. I can't for the life of me know if you cried when you watch Titanic or Step-Mom for the first time. I can't know if you find Friends just as funny as I do, or if you sit in church each Sunday wondering if it's all real. I don't know from looking at those labels or prejudgements if you've healed from those experiences, or if they have rolled off your back like water off a duck. I can't know the struggles you struggle with in silence and I certainly don't know your victories. And I am deeply affected by that. I am in awe of the thought that you are more then what you present.
Those labels leave no room for love to move. They leave no room for the Holy Spirit to be. I may not feel like sitting and chatting with the Linda's in my life, but you know what...because of love, I will. And I am better for it. I may not feel like forgiving an individual for thier actions, but you know what, because of pure love, I will. When we get beyond labels, we can truly love. And the greatest commandment is to love. Simply love. Love God with your whole heart and soul, and love people as yourself. Love sums up the whole gospel. I like that.
I knew this health and wellness journey would open up a whole new world to me. I just didn't expect it to be so spiritual. I didn't expect to meet a Linda. And I certainly didn't expect to abhor labels. I thought labels on food items where a good thing. Something that points out the ingredients, and let's you know what you're putting in your body. As I travel along, I am learning food that has labels, is not something I want. I want fresh, natural, unlabeled food. Food that is pure and natural. Food that good intended to bring nurioushment and health to me. Food that in it's purest form is edible without processing. Carrots don't need a label to be sold. An apple doesn't need a label to be eaten.
I want my food the same way I want my relationships. Free from labels. Free from definitions. Freedom to simply be the way God intended for you to be, and free to simply be the way God intended me to be.
Father God, I come to you in the form of my truest self. I give you my heart. The good, the bad, the shameful things, the broken things, the beauty only you see. And Father, I ask for a freedom in my life to be. I ask for a freedom in my life to love others. To see them as they truly are, the way you intended for them to be. Free from pressures that are trying to process them into the people the world wants to make them, and not who you intended them to be.God move. Help my heart to be unhindered.
She said no, she just needed to catch her breath, and that she would be okay. We began to talk. She shared with me that she was training to run a 5k to raise money for Special Olympics. At first I misunderstood her and thought she was running a 5k IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, but she rest assured me, she was just raising money for it. I asked her what inspired her to do that, and she said, "Because people need help, and I can help." I was simply blown away. How often does someone need help, and I can help, but I don't help? I am too busy and don't even bother to offer.
Linda shared with me her official diagnoises, and I honestly can't remember it. It doesn't matter to me, all that matters is she is a dear soul who is offering help to others around her. She asked me for my phone number so she could call me to "train" with me. I gave it to this beautiful soul and am looking forward to her phone call, or looking forward to running into her again.
Days later as I reflect on this encounter, and after several conversations about other labels we put on people, I am humbled. No doubt you have seen the 23 True Reasons I know I am an Introvert articles floating around. No doubt you have seen the Extroverts Revealed articles on FB. Step into any corporate setting and it's not long before you are asked to take a strengths finder test. Step into any interview and they ask: What are your top strenghts? What are your top weakness? As if two simple questions can sum up all your assets to the company. Walk around in the church world for long enough and surely you will be asked to take a spiritual gifts inventory. All tools to sum us up as a human being.
Linda is much much more then her diagnoises, just as I am much much more then any label that's placed on me. I've gotten some funny ones lately. Comments range from, "Oh you use essential oils, you must be one of those granola girls." "You actually ENJOY running? Like you actually ENJOY it...You must be a glutton for punishment." "You need down time, and alone time, are you one of those introverted hermit types?" And the list goes on and on. You know what bugs me about all the articles that describe labels? All the inventory tests? All the strengths lists? None of them sum up a person.
You can take my list of strengths: responsibility, intellection, administration. You can take my basic personality type: Introveret. You can take my temperment: Meloncholy Choleric You can take my spiritual gifts: Pastoral, Wisdom, Prophetic, Administration, & Discernment. You can take my INJT profile...and guess what NONE OF THEM SUM UP ME. You won't know the experiences I walk through. You won't know that despite being what most think of as an introvert, that I desperately need people. I need to talk out my thoughts, I need to feel validated, I need to connect. You don't know my deepest thoughts. You don't know my heart on a topic. You don't know that there are times, I am completely sanguine and extroverted. How dare you sum me up by those labels...
Better yet, how dare I sum you up by them either. You see, I am a little too quick to judge based on previous experiences. I am terrified of being hurt again by people that I tend to shy away, a lot. I can't for the life of me know if you cried when you watch Titanic or Step-Mom for the first time. I can't know if you find Friends just as funny as I do, or if you sit in church each Sunday wondering if it's all real. I don't know from looking at those labels or prejudgements if you've healed from those experiences, or if they have rolled off your back like water off a duck. I can't know the struggles you struggle with in silence and I certainly don't know your victories. And I am deeply affected by that. I am in awe of the thought that you are more then what you present.
Those labels leave no room for love to move. They leave no room for the Holy Spirit to be. I may not feel like sitting and chatting with the Linda's in my life, but you know what...because of love, I will. And I am better for it. I may not feel like forgiving an individual for thier actions, but you know what, because of pure love, I will. When we get beyond labels, we can truly love. And the greatest commandment is to love. Simply love. Love God with your whole heart and soul, and love people as yourself. Love sums up the whole gospel. I like that.
I knew this health and wellness journey would open up a whole new world to me. I just didn't expect it to be so spiritual. I didn't expect to meet a Linda. And I certainly didn't expect to abhor labels. I thought labels on food items where a good thing. Something that points out the ingredients, and let's you know what you're putting in your body. As I travel along, I am learning food that has labels, is not something I want. I want fresh, natural, unlabeled food. Food that is pure and natural. Food that good intended to bring nurioushment and health to me. Food that in it's purest form is edible without processing. Carrots don't need a label to be sold. An apple doesn't need a label to be eaten.
I want my food the same way I want my relationships. Free from labels. Free from definitions. Freedom to simply be the way God intended for you to be, and free to simply be the way God intended me to be.
Father God, I come to you in the form of my truest self. I give you my heart. The good, the bad, the shameful things, the broken things, the beauty only you see. And Father, I ask for a freedom in my life to be. I ask for a freedom in my life to love others. To see them as they truly are, the way you intended for them to be. Free from pressures that are trying to process them into the people the world wants to make them, and not who you intended them to be.God move. Help my heart to be unhindered.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Running for a Cause: Venture Expeditions Ending Human Trafficking
I have officially signed up for my second 5k. My goal is to just beat the time of my first 5k, and my first 5k my goal was to just do it!
October 26, 2013 I will be running in the Monster Dash. I am excited and nervous. It can be cold or hot in October here in MN...and I am not a fan of running in either of those conditions outside.
However, I am mostly excited. I am running this race in honor of Venture Expeditions. Venture is an organization that raises money to end human trafficking. Something is I entirely passionate about. When I began this wellness journey, I didn't want it to be just about me. I wanted it to be about something bigger than myself, and it would help others. This is just the begining.
I am really excited that I can run 3.1 miles. I know for some of you avid runners that seems like a short distance, but I know that less than two years ago, it seemed impossible. In training for this, I hit a wall every single time I hit just the two mile mark, and the last mile seems like it will never come. I am working hard on pushing through that wall.
This is probably one of the more exciting things that have happened on this journey, being able to say that I am running for such a great cause. It makes me thrilled to be able to have the oppourtunity. I think about those girls who are caught up in sex slavery and do not have the chance to run, or have meals to eat, or have any freedom to even take a walk. There's something about this that seems like it has come full circle.
What I experienced growing up was by no means the horror they are walking through, but it was a severe form of injustice. If the mere $500 I set out to raise on this journey can help even one girl be rescued or prevented from being abused, then it's worth it. I honestly feel like breaking my food addiction that resulted from being abused, and being able to run a race to fight that very same kind of abuse, does something to the kingdom of darkness.
Each step I run pounds the evil and the atrocity in the face, and helps me gain one more step towards my own freedom from the past.
Yes I am running for those caught in human trafficking. Yes I am running for me. But most importantly, I am running to overcome evil and oppression.
If you choose to donate you can follow this link & learn more about my fundraiser and more about Venture Expeditions. Thank you for your consideration. https://ventureexpeditions.dntly.com/donations/new?campaign_id=718&fundraiser_id=1617
As always Father God, the glory from this journey goes to you. You are the author and finisher of my faith. While I am far from finished, I thank you God that you have brought me this far. You have given me more hope than I ever thought possible. You have given me a new perspective on this thing. Thank you that the last two days have been lighter and more managable. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you Lord that with you, chains are broken. Lives are healed, and lives are redeemed. Lord bring comfort to the hurting tonight. Bring healing to the brokeness. Here in America, and across the world God. Oppression is not of you, in you there is freedom and life. Thank you for guiding me into grace filled life and breath. You are only good Lord. You are only good. Amen.
October 26, 2013 I will be running in the Monster Dash. I am excited and nervous. It can be cold or hot in October here in MN...and I am not a fan of running in either of those conditions outside.
However, I am mostly excited. I am running this race in honor of Venture Expeditions. Venture is an organization that raises money to end human trafficking. Something is I entirely passionate about. When I began this wellness journey, I didn't want it to be just about me. I wanted it to be about something bigger than myself, and it would help others. This is just the begining.
I am really excited that I can run 3.1 miles. I know for some of you avid runners that seems like a short distance, but I know that less than two years ago, it seemed impossible. In training for this, I hit a wall every single time I hit just the two mile mark, and the last mile seems like it will never come. I am working hard on pushing through that wall.
This is probably one of the more exciting things that have happened on this journey, being able to say that I am running for such a great cause. It makes me thrilled to be able to have the oppourtunity. I think about those girls who are caught up in sex slavery and do not have the chance to run, or have meals to eat, or have any freedom to even take a walk. There's something about this that seems like it has come full circle.
What I experienced growing up was by no means the horror they are walking through, but it was a severe form of injustice. If the mere $500 I set out to raise on this journey can help even one girl be rescued or prevented from being abused, then it's worth it. I honestly feel like breaking my food addiction that resulted from being abused, and being able to run a race to fight that very same kind of abuse, does something to the kingdom of darkness.
Each step I run pounds the evil and the atrocity in the face, and helps me gain one more step towards my own freedom from the past.
Yes I am running for those caught in human trafficking. Yes I am running for me. But most importantly, I am running to overcome evil and oppression.
If you choose to donate you can follow this link & learn more about my fundraiser and more about Venture Expeditions. Thank you for your consideration. https://ventureexpeditions.dntly.com/donations/new?campaign_id=718&fundraiser_id=1617
As always Father God, the glory from this journey goes to you. You are the author and finisher of my faith. While I am far from finished, I thank you God that you have brought me this far. You have given me more hope than I ever thought possible. You have given me a new perspective on this thing. Thank you that the last two days have been lighter and more managable. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you Lord that with you, chains are broken. Lives are healed, and lives are redeemed. Lord bring comfort to the hurting tonight. Bring healing to the brokeness. Here in America, and across the world God. Oppression is not of you, in you there is freedom and life. Thank you for guiding me into grace filled life and breath. You are only good Lord. You are only good. Amen.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
"You're the God of New Beginings"
Celebration
At the doctors office this week, I discovered I reached a milestone, one that is worth celebrating, even if it's only privately. I am officially under the 200 lbs mark on this journey. My blood pressure was healthier than it's ever been. To me those are things worth celebrating! I can be proud of myself for those accomplishments. I did it and no one can take that away from me.
Humanely speaking...
I have been told I am often too serious...which is entirely true. Therefore celebrating seems silly. But, today is marking a day of new beginings! I have made no bones about how hard this journey has been. I think today calls for a day of celebration. I need to start focusing on the positives, and break the cycle of negative thinking. Harder said then done, but worth it.
1. I am thankful for the fact that I can literally feel my body getting stronger. I know not every single person on the planet has the ability to run. I may be slow, but I have the ability. That is something to celebrate.
2. I am thankful that there is a massive support system when it comes to eating better. All I have to do is fire up google and I can find receipes, nutrition tips and ideas, and places where real food is on sale. I belong to several groups on FB that give ideas for better living, and I can ask questions of.
3. God hasn't left me on this journey. Every single step of my life has been ordered by the Lord. Nothing I have experienced has been in vain. God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am in constant need to remember this. I will remind myself of this daily.
4. My Diet Coke addiction is successfully broken. I no longer need a fizzy drink to make it through the day. I no longer reach for coffee or a Diet Coke 30 minutes after lunch to make it through the day. I haven't had a headache in over three weeks.
...it is impossible...
Things seem clouded all the time lately. Am I getting enough nutrients? Was that a good purchase of for food? Should I have had those two extra bites after not feel hungry anymore? When faced with all the information available and taking my own emotions into account, at the begining this journey seemed foolish, and impossible. I do believe in my own strength it was.
But with God...
All things are possible. That is the promise and hope I am clinging too. I am going to make mistakes on this journey called life. But that's okay. As I continue on this wellness lifestyle, I am going to make mistakes. But that's okay. I serve a God who is in the business of forgiving and making mistakes right. He pours out grace and strength and possibilities when there seems to be no way.
All things are possible.
I know I can set goals. I know that if I continue to work that in 8 months from now, I can be at my ideal weight. I know that if I continue to research new ideas I can make the health changes necessary to support my food allergies. I know that no matter what my test results say from a doctor those aren't the end results. My feelings of laziness and apathy, and anger towards myself for being here are able to be overcome.
God, you are the God of new beginings. Please continue to show me yourself on this journey. I am sorry for being so down and hard on myself. I am sorry for not properly loving myself the way I should. Would you please continue to show me what I am supposed to do? Will you continue to give me light for my path? God, I do love you. I love that you love me with an everlasting love. I love that there is so much grace for the moment, and that you have literally given me the breath that I need to breathe each day. In you God there is only life. In fact your word claims that you have come so that I may have life, and have it in abundance. God, would you show me what abundant life means? Would you give me grace for today?
At the doctors office this week, I discovered I reached a milestone, one that is worth celebrating, even if it's only privately. I am officially under the 200 lbs mark on this journey. My blood pressure was healthier than it's ever been. To me those are things worth celebrating! I can be proud of myself for those accomplishments. I did it and no one can take that away from me.
Humanely speaking...
I have been told I am often too serious...which is entirely true. Therefore celebrating seems silly. But, today is marking a day of new beginings! I have made no bones about how hard this journey has been. I think today calls for a day of celebration. I need to start focusing on the positives, and break the cycle of negative thinking. Harder said then done, but worth it.
1. I am thankful for the fact that I can literally feel my body getting stronger. I know not every single person on the planet has the ability to run. I may be slow, but I have the ability. That is something to celebrate.
2. I am thankful that there is a massive support system when it comes to eating better. All I have to do is fire up google and I can find receipes, nutrition tips and ideas, and places where real food is on sale. I belong to several groups on FB that give ideas for better living, and I can ask questions of.
3. God hasn't left me on this journey. Every single step of my life has been ordered by the Lord. Nothing I have experienced has been in vain. God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am in constant need to remember this. I will remind myself of this daily.
4. My Diet Coke addiction is successfully broken. I no longer need a fizzy drink to make it through the day. I no longer reach for coffee or a Diet Coke 30 minutes after lunch to make it through the day. I haven't had a headache in over three weeks.
...it is impossible...
Things seem clouded all the time lately. Am I getting enough nutrients? Was that a good purchase of for food? Should I have had those two extra bites after not feel hungry anymore? When faced with all the information available and taking my own emotions into account, at the begining this journey seemed foolish, and impossible. I do believe in my own strength it was.
But with God...
All things are possible. That is the promise and hope I am clinging too. I am going to make mistakes on this journey called life. But that's okay. As I continue on this wellness lifestyle, I am going to make mistakes. But that's okay. I serve a God who is in the business of forgiving and making mistakes right. He pours out grace and strength and possibilities when there seems to be no way.
All things are possible.
I know I can set goals. I know that if I continue to work that in 8 months from now, I can be at my ideal weight. I know that if I continue to research new ideas I can make the health changes necessary to support my food allergies. I know that no matter what my test results say from a doctor those aren't the end results. My feelings of laziness and apathy, and anger towards myself for being here are able to be overcome.
God, you are the God of new beginings. Please continue to show me yourself on this journey. I am sorry for being so down and hard on myself. I am sorry for not properly loving myself the way I should. Would you please continue to show me what I am supposed to do? Will you continue to give me light for my path? God, I do love you. I love that you love me with an everlasting love. I love that there is so much grace for the moment, and that you have literally given me the breath that I need to breathe each day. In you God there is only life. In fact your word claims that you have come so that I may have life, and have it in abundance. God, would you show me what abundant life means? Would you give me grace for today?
Saturday, August 10, 2013
End of the Rope
Cross Fit
Today I survived my first ever cross-fit work out. I sat through and explanation of what cross-fit is and I still don't have a clue, other then...it's real movements for real life. I was nervous!!! Very very nervous. I spent some time losing sleep over it, because I have seen really fit people, say cross-fit kicked thier butt. I have heard of HERO work-outs named after fallen military combantants that cross-fit uses. I am not military comnantant material. But I was determined to do it. Just to say I tried.
It wasn't terrible, it was actually manageable, but man alive...was I ever hungry afterwards. All I wanted to do was eat a cow. Seriously, I want to eat a bunch of greasy protein quickly. I guess that's why cross-fit works. It ramps up your metabolism so you are continuing to burn calories long after you work out. I think that's cool and definitely and added benefit. I was awesome to pour out all my stress in something physical.
There have been moments this week that I haven't been sure how I was going to make it through the end of this week. There have been moments this week that I have spiritually and mentally reached the end of my rope. All I can keep thinking is, TIE A NOTE IN THAT ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GOD IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU.
I realize I have been focusing on all I don't have right now. I haven't been able to help myself feel positive at all. This journey is hard work. I am working on healing my body physically, but the emotional attack is right there. Pounding away at me...and it's been pounding harder this week then it has in a long time. I've had some dark thoughts this week. Thoughts that are really hard to see the truth in.
Things to the effect of: why try and and heal. You're just going to keep messing up anyways. Physically you may heal, but you're still an emotional wreak. You can't really do this, so stop trying to pretend you're something you're not. All you are is a quitter. All lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Truth is my heart does hurt. It is damaged in a lot of places. Some are obvious, others are hidden. There has been a lot of healing over my heart in the last few years, and for that I am greatful, but I think this journey is begining to expose the deeper areas.
I was watching Extreme Makeover this week, and I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I know what that girl was going through. As she cried because she had no one to talk to or understand what she was going through. I am not experiencing anything like an eating disorder, but I do know what it feels like to feel all alone.
I have felt alone more times then I can count lately. I feel like I am walking a desolte desert and there is no one to see me, or journey with me. All I have to rely on is myself, and I have already let myself down one too many times.
I am angry at myself over my current health situation. If the biopsy reveals it is ulcers, then it means I have not been managing stress well. If it's the worse possible scenario and it's cancer, then it means I have been filling my body with toxins for too long.
Then I Think Clearly
Then there are the rare but beauty-filled moments that truth wins out. These moments are like taking a cool long drink after being so parched. I can be gentle with myself, and remind myself, that there was no other coping mechanism as a child. The only source of comfort I had was food, and my books. That when I look at the fact that sometimes I am terrfied to open up to people and let them in, it's not without really good reasons. That I can be quite proud of that little girl who survived some of the darkest moments anyone has ever had to walk through. The moments that I know Jesus was with me protecting me, and not allowing the abuse to get worse. The moments when I would lay in bed at night begging for the abuser to be too drunk or high to come in and "tuck me in". I don't know why I turned to food. Perhaps because it was constant. Perhaps because it was comforting. I just know I did.
I know I deserve more then what I am currently experiencing in life. I know I deserve a freedom to be, and a freedom to love people without fear of crumbling. But, right now I don't know how to attain it.
God would you please protect my very fragile heart and sense of being right now. Would you please speak truth and life to me and help me to not hurt anymore. God, I need more then what I am walking through. I am trying to practice the presence of your grace, and I am trying to walk free. I am desperately trying to seek you in this, I know you are holding me so close to you that I cannot see you because I am so pressed up against you. I know your grace never runs out, and never even gives up on me. All I can do God is breath. All I can do is cry out to you to intervene in the midst of my situation. God, can you please show me the value I have to you again? Right now Lord I am having a hard time believing it, and remembering it. I am sorry for the mistakes I am making on this journey. I am sorry for the doubts. Please forgive me that they seem so big right now. Please, hold me in your hands. Please mend the pieces of my broken heart. Please use even this time to shape me and mold me. I do love you God. I do cling to you. I do put my hope and trust in You. Abba God, hold me close.
Today I survived my first ever cross-fit work out. I sat through and explanation of what cross-fit is and I still don't have a clue, other then...it's real movements for real life. I was nervous!!! Very very nervous. I spent some time losing sleep over it, because I have seen really fit people, say cross-fit kicked thier butt. I have heard of HERO work-outs named after fallen military combantants that cross-fit uses. I am not military comnantant material. But I was determined to do it. Just to say I tried.
It wasn't terrible, it was actually manageable, but man alive...was I ever hungry afterwards. All I wanted to do was eat a cow. Seriously, I want to eat a bunch of greasy protein quickly. I guess that's why cross-fit works. It ramps up your metabolism so you are continuing to burn calories long after you work out. I think that's cool and definitely and added benefit. I was awesome to pour out all my stress in something physical.
There have been moments this week that I haven't been sure how I was going to make it through the end of this week. There have been moments this week that I have spiritually and mentally reached the end of my rope. All I can keep thinking is, TIE A NOTE IN THAT ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GOD IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU.
I realize I have been focusing on all I don't have right now. I haven't been able to help myself feel positive at all. This journey is hard work. I am working on healing my body physically, but the emotional attack is right there. Pounding away at me...and it's been pounding harder this week then it has in a long time. I've had some dark thoughts this week. Thoughts that are really hard to see the truth in.
Things to the effect of: why try and and heal. You're just going to keep messing up anyways. Physically you may heal, but you're still an emotional wreak. You can't really do this, so stop trying to pretend you're something you're not. All you are is a quitter. All lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Truth is my heart does hurt. It is damaged in a lot of places. Some are obvious, others are hidden. There has been a lot of healing over my heart in the last few years, and for that I am greatful, but I think this journey is begining to expose the deeper areas.
I was watching Extreme Makeover this week, and I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I know what that girl was going through. As she cried because she had no one to talk to or understand what she was going through. I am not experiencing anything like an eating disorder, but I do know what it feels like to feel all alone.
I have felt alone more times then I can count lately. I feel like I am walking a desolte desert and there is no one to see me, or journey with me. All I have to rely on is myself, and I have already let myself down one too many times.
I am angry at myself over my current health situation. If the biopsy reveals it is ulcers, then it means I have not been managing stress well. If it's the worse possible scenario and it's cancer, then it means I have been filling my body with toxins for too long.
Then I Think Clearly
Then there are the rare but beauty-filled moments that truth wins out. These moments are like taking a cool long drink after being so parched. I can be gentle with myself, and remind myself, that there was no other coping mechanism as a child. The only source of comfort I had was food, and my books. That when I look at the fact that sometimes I am terrfied to open up to people and let them in, it's not without really good reasons. That I can be quite proud of that little girl who survived some of the darkest moments anyone has ever had to walk through. The moments that I know Jesus was with me protecting me, and not allowing the abuse to get worse. The moments when I would lay in bed at night begging for the abuser to be too drunk or high to come in and "tuck me in". I don't know why I turned to food. Perhaps because it was constant. Perhaps because it was comforting. I just know I did.
I know I deserve more then what I am currently experiencing in life. I know I deserve a freedom to be, and a freedom to love people without fear of crumbling. But, right now I don't know how to attain it.
God would you please protect my very fragile heart and sense of being right now. Would you please speak truth and life to me and help me to not hurt anymore. God, I need more then what I am walking through. I am trying to practice the presence of your grace, and I am trying to walk free. I am desperately trying to seek you in this, I know you are holding me so close to you that I cannot see you because I am so pressed up against you. I know your grace never runs out, and never even gives up on me. All I can do God is breath. All I can do is cry out to you to intervene in the midst of my situation. God, can you please show me the value I have to you again? Right now Lord I am having a hard time believing it, and remembering it. I am sorry for the mistakes I am making on this journey. I am sorry for the doubts. Please forgive me that they seem so big right now. Please, hold me in your hands. Please mend the pieces of my broken heart. Please use even this time to shape me and mold me. I do love you God. I do cling to you. I do put my hope and trust in You. Abba God, hold me close.
Friday, August 9, 2013
This Season: Fear is a liar
Sometimes I feel like a big ole' whiner. And I probably am. This has been a ridiculously tough and long season of my life. My emotions feel as though they won't or can't regulate, my body seems to fight against me all the time, and my food cravings are intense.
I really honestly sometimes feel like food is my enemy, only to realize I am probably my own worse enemy. I recently had an important relationship in my life break apart. All I want to do is eat my feelings and drown them in chocolate. But I won't. And I can't. I also had a really close family member enter rehab. The fear and the steps that it takes to be supportive even from a distance make me want to carb up, and grab my best friend: Diet Coke.
The Kicker
I recently got some scary news from the doctor. As you may know from previous blogs, I have been with flu like symptoms for a long time. TMI ALERT: For some time I have had blood presnt when using the restroom. And that is not normal. Or okay.
Every time I eat, I have felt sharp sharp pains. Like a million knives are slicing through my stomache. It hurts and I try not to cry, over something silly like some stomach pain. But it has been brutal. After trying a few things on my own, it wasn't going away, and I went to my doctors office and they found some concerning spots along my GI tract. I am scared. I am worried. But also kind of relieved...
The Silver Lining
Through this wellness journey, I have tried new things, and have felt my body go through some intense healing crisis. The toxins leaving your body, do in fact hurt. The pain leaving your body through exercise hurts. And I have felt the burden to give up, and thought...maybe I am better off with the bad food, at least it doesn't hurt as much. But can't give into excuses.
I am glad it's not in my head. That there is an underlying and root cause to everything. That my pain is real, and not imagined. That God has brought this to the surface in order to find answers, in order to move forward with better health, and better healing, and overall wellness.
It's Hard
It has been hard to NOT feel sorry for myself. However, as I press forward, and make one good food choice after another, as I put one more foot in front of the other, as I make this journey one about healing. I feel better. I feel like I am being lifted up in the shadow of the most high. I feel like I am loved.
The Victory
I have currently lost 16 pounds. That's a lot of pounds to me. I can't even lift a full 16 pounds somedays, and in some lifts. I'm proud of me so far.
The Prayer
God I remind myself again that you know me. That you will not lose me in this. That you see each tear that has fallen from my eyes during this journey. That you understand my fears better then I do. God I know I can rest on you for complete healing. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. God I know you are good. That your answers are yes and amen. That you see me. That you know me. That you love me and are proud of me, even when I feel defeated and not enough. That I can rest in your plans and your plans will become. All I can do is seek you. All you require of me is obedience and thankfulness. I can do those things.
I really honestly sometimes feel like food is my enemy, only to realize I am probably my own worse enemy. I recently had an important relationship in my life break apart. All I want to do is eat my feelings and drown them in chocolate. But I won't. And I can't. I also had a really close family member enter rehab. The fear and the steps that it takes to be supportive even from a distance make me want to carb up, and grab my best friend: Diet Coke.
The Kicker
I recently got some scary news from the doctor. As you may know from previous blogs, I have been with flu like symptoms for a long time. TMI ALERT: For some time I have had blood presnt when using the restroom. And that is not normal. Or okay.
Every time I eat, I have felt sharp sharp pains. Like a million knives are slicing through my stomache. It hurts and I try not to cry, over something silly like some stomach pain. But it has been brutal. After trying a few things on my own, it wasn't going away, and I went to my doctors office and they found some concerning spots along my GI tract. I am scared. I am worried. But also kind of relieved...
The Silver Lining
Through this wellness journey, I have tried new things, and have felt my body go through some intense healing crisis. The toxins leaving your body, do in fact hurt. The pain leaving your body through exercise hurts. And I have felt the burden to give up, and thought...maybe I am better off with the bad food, at least it doesn't hurt as much. But can't give into excuses.
I am glad it's not in my head. That there is an underlying and root cause to everything. That my pain is real, and not imagined. That God has brought this to the surface in order to find answers, in order to move forward with better health, and better healing, and overall wellness.
It's Hard
It has been hard to NOT feel sorry for myself. However, as I press forward, and make one good food choice after another, as I put one more foot in front of the other, as I make this journey one about healing. I feel better. I feel like I am being lifted up in the shadow of the most high. I feel like I am loved.
The Victory
I have currently lost 16 pounds. That's a lot of pounds to me. I can't even lift a full 16 pounds somedays, and in some lifts. I'm proud of me so far.
The Prayer
God I remind myself again that you know me. That you will not lose me in this. That you see each tear that has fallen from my eyes during this journey. That you understand my fears better then I do. God I know I can rest on you for complete healing. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. God I know you are good. That your answers are yes and amen. That you see me. That you know me. That you love me and are proud of me, even when I feel defeated and not enough. That I can rest in your plans and your plans will become. All I can do is seek you. All you require of me is obedience and thankfulness. I can do those things.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
"Found in the Aftermath"
It's been a few days, since I have written. I wish I had a good reason, other then it's hard to keep writing about the same subject matter, over and over again. Also, I haven't been doing so hot.
I came down with the stomach flu last week. There's nothing quite like waking up on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, and you don't really remember why you are there. The violence of the illness caused me to burst blood vessels in my face and in my eye. So on top of already struggling with my fragile sense of self-esteem, that was really cute, in a terribly horrific sort of way.
Since those moments, I will admit my workouts have suffered and have mostly consisted of lot's of long walks, just to get out of the door. I have felt weak, and today is the first day I have felt any sort of strength return. All my physical energies have been poured into waking up, showering, and my daily activities.
My eating, has left some room for healthy. My weakest moment this week was last night...I had the honor and privelege of celebrating a dear friends upcoming wedding at her personal shower this weekend. The bridal party got a hotel at the MOA and we decided to go to the MOA for breakfast. Cinnabon called my name. I can handle that. It is alright to indulge once in a while for such a special occasion. The weak moment came, in that I had purchased a second Cinnabon for a friend. I had forgotten to give them the Cinnabon when I had seen them on Saturday afternoon. "No big deal," I thought. I can give it to them Sunday morning at church. I brought the offending item into my house so it didn't sit in my car overnight.
Then after I prayed for the eveing. And laid in bed, all I could do was think about the warm, sweet, gooeyness sitting on my kitchen cabinet. Wouldn't you know that 3/4 of the way through that second Cinnabon, is when I realized to utter lack of self-control. It's when I realized the pure selfishness, that occured. I closed the lid, and walked away.
I did "confess" to my friend and showed them the mostly eaten Cinnabon. They just kept exclaiming: "YOU ATE THE MIDDLE, THAT'S THE BEST PART." Duh. Of course it is.
What is it that overcame me in that moment. Did the sugar rush from the first Cinnabon cause such an addictive response I couldn't control myself? Was selfishness too much to overcome? Will I always and forever resort to emotional eating when life is difficult?
Can I ever stop myself before the mistakes are made? When I make those mistakes, when am I going to extend grace to myself? I have learned to extend grace to people who make mistakes. I am getting better at forgiving people quickly when they wrong me. But for myself I just don't have it, yet. I still feel really beat up over that decision. I am itching to get out and do my workout, as a form of repentance for that mistake.
I hate not being perfect. I really do. I hate that I can't just set my mind on something, and it happens. I hate that there are parts of my personality that cause me to war with myself. I dislike being selfish. Yet, I move in such self-serving ways sometimes. I hate that I am weepy and overly emotional. Yet, I feel righteous anger at the moment when someone points out my actions are being dictated by my emotions. I restore through quiet and alone time. I crave the alone time, even. Yet, I need to talk out my life. I long to have that one person who will listen to everything I have to say, and just understands me and gets me, and I feel really left out when people don't ask me to participate in group events or activities.
I am tired today, but it doesn't mean today is a wasted day. Just because I over-indulged, doesn't mean I won't pick up the pace tomorrrow on my run. Just because food choices have been poor-er this week doesn't mean today has to take on that direction.
That's my favorite thing about God. Nothing is wasted in His hands. He goes with us, and stands before us. He doesn't see mistakes as a failure. He redeems the years the locusts have stolen. He gives grace for the mistakes. He calls us to come to him for grace-filled, air. He invites us to sit at his feet, and be. I'm trying to learn to be. I like the thought ove just being. Simple. To be caught up in His grace that He doles out freely. That even in the midst of a hurricane He will not lose me. He will find me.
As everything swirls around me: new life-style, work job-description in flux, my relationship disintegrating, my heart crumbling, friends moving away, family members attending rehab, being sick, personal medical issues, dealing with the raw emotions from my past, forgiving my abusers, and refusing to be a victim. My energy is being drained. But, I have peace, it passes understanding. I am confident in one thing and one thing only: Jesus will not lose me in this. God will not let me fall. If He has brought me to it, He will bring me through it He sees me, and He knows me. And He will not lose me in the battle. He loves me, and because He loves me, He will not lose me in this.
I came down with the stomach flu last week. There's nothing quite like waking up on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, and you don't really remember why you are there. The violence of the illness caused me to burst blood vessels in my face and in my eye. So on top of already struggling with my fragile sense of self-esteem, that was really cute, in a terribly horrific sort of way.
Since those moments, I will admit my workouts have suffered and have mostly consisted of lot's of long walks, just to get out of the door. I have felt weak, and today is the first day I have felt any sort of strength return. All my physical energies have been poured into waking up, showering, and my daily activities.
My eating, has left some room for healthy. My weakest moment this week was last night...I had the honor and privelege of celebrating a dear friends upcoming wedding at her personal shower this weekend. The bridal party got a hotel at the MOA and we decided to go to the MOA for breakfast. Cinnabon called my name. I can handle that. It is alright to indulge once in a while for such a special occasion. The weak moment came, in that I had purchased a second Cinnabon for a friend. I had forgotten to give them the Cinnabon when I had seen them on Saturday afternoon. "No big deal," I thought. I can give it to them Sunday morning at church. I brought the offending item into my house so it didn't sit in my car overnight.
Then after I prayed for the eveing. And laid in bed, all I could do was think about the warm, sweet, gooeyness sitting on my kitchen cabinet. Wouldn't you know that 3/4 of the way through that second Cinnabon, is when I realized to utter lack of self-control. It's when I realized the pure selfishness, that occured. I closed the lid, and walked away.
I did "confess" to my friend and showed them the mostly eaten Cinnabon. They just kept exclaiming: "YOU ATE THE MIDDLE, THAT'S THE BEST PART." Duh. Of course it is.
What is it that overcame me in that moment. Did the sugar rush from the first Cinnabon cause such an addictive response I couldn't control myself? Was selfishness too much to overcome? Will I always and forever resort to emotional eating when life is difficult?
Can I ever stop myself before the mistakes are made? When I make those mistakes, when am I going to extend grace to myself? I have learned to extend grace to people who make mistakes. I am getting better at forgiving people quickly when they wrong me. But for myself I just don't have it, yet. I still feel really beat up over that decision. I am itching to get out and do my workout, as a form of repentance for that mistake.
I hate not being perfect. I really do. I hate that I can't just set my mind on something, and it happens. I hate that there are parts of my personality that cause me to war with myself. I dislike being selfish. Yet, I move in such self-serving ways sometimes. I hate that I am weepy and overly emotional. Yet, I feel righteous anger at the moment when someone points out my actions are being dictated by my emotions. I restore through quiet and alone time. I crave the alone time, even. Yet, I need to talk out my life. I long to have that one person who will listen to everything I have to say, and just understands me and gets me, and I feel really left out when people don't ask me to participate in group events or activities.
I am tired today, but it doesn't mean today is a wasted day. Just because I over-indulged, doesn't mean I won't pick up the pace tomorrrow on my run. Just because food choices have been poor-er this week doesn't mean today has to take on that direction.
That's my favorite thing about God. Nothing is wasted in His hands. He goes with us, and stands before us. He doesn't see mistakes as a failure. He redeems the years the locusts have stolen. He gives grace for the mistakes. He calls us to come to him for grace-filled, air. He invites us to sit at his feet, and be. I'm trying to learn to be. I like the thought ove just being. Simple. To be caught up in His grace that He doles out freely. That even in the midst of a hurricane He will not lose me. He will find me.
As everything swirls around me: new life-style, work job-description in flux, my relationship disintegrating, my heart crumbling, friends moving away, family members attending rehab, being sick, personal medical issues, dealing with the raw emotions from my past, forgiving my abusers, and refusing to be a victim. My energy is being drained. But, I have peace, it passes understanding. I am confident in one thing and one thing only: Jesus will not lose me in this. God will not let me fall. If He has brought me to it, He will bring me through it He sees me, and He knows me. And He will not lose me in the battle. He loves me, and because He loves me, He will not lose me in this.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Moving Mountains Episode 2
So, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon, I was just without internet at home for a few days! But it's all fixed.
I think I get to earn some serious street cred. I ran 4 miles, in the ran, after wearing dress shoes all day. 4 miles is a personal best for me. Real runners run in the rain. Therefore, I am declaring myself a real runner. Go me!
It's been an interesting few days. I am officially off the vegan diet, and tried eating a half turkey sandwhich the other day. My tummy hurt for quite awhile. I may have jumped into the dairy & meat thing too quickly. For now, it's mostly vegetarian. I think I will feel much much better that way.
My thoughts lately are everywhere. I keep feeling like I am hitting a wall in my personal life, and keep getting overwhelmed by the enormity of this health journey, and living life for the here and now, and still maintaing goals for the future. It seems like I am fighting a uphill battle with lots of road blocks in the way.
The Bible says: " truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20. (I have previously blogged on this verse, but it's still hanging with me, so I am going to continue to blog about it.) No circumstance in my life, no struggle in my life, no mountain in my life has ever moved, or fixed itself, because I wanted it to. I have had to go through the journey. I have had to wait for the mountain to move, and it's never been instant.
I was watching footage again the other day on the continued aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and am always amazed at the massive amount of destruction. I wonder what destruction weighs in the background of a crumbling mountain. What if the instant I pray, God's answers and begins to have the mountain crumble, but it's crumbling on the OTHER SIDE? And I just cannot see it...yet. As, I see the destruction that lays in the aftermath of natural disasters, I am convinced that as God is moving mountains in my life, and things are crumbling...there's an aftermath.
The roadblocks in life exist to prevent us from walking through the the avalanches that come from the mountains moving and crumbling. What seems to be the lack of God's activity to move the mountain, is really just a holding pattern as He clears away the debris of things that could cause further damage to our souls. God's promise to us is that as He's moving, as He's calling us to work on our goals, He won't lose us in them. He won't lose us in the aftermath. Sometimes He calls us to walk through the crumbling around us. Other times, He safely puts out His hand and stops us from going any further as He cleans house.
This is the journey I am on. It's one of learning and growth. It's a physical journey that has been really hard. Those four miles I ran, I cried the last mile. I was in pain, my lower back currently has ice on it as I sit and type this. The emotions of realizing I was going to hit my four mile mark, made me excited, and triumphant, and exhausted. Exhaustion is emotional, because it shows me, just what I am made of. It shows me my limits, it shows me my weaknesses, and that is okay. In my weakness God is made strong.
I cried that last mile, because I knew, I had reached a point of no return. I had reached a point of no longer thinking and every single emotion I have felt over the last several weeks came crashing in, and down. I realized that God, will not lose me in this journey. He loves me and will move on behalf. I just need to tuck in close.
I think I get to earn some serious street cred. I ran 4 miles, in the ran, after wearing dress shoes all day. 4 miles is a personal best for me. Real runners run in the rain. Therefore, I am declaring myself a real runner. Go me!
It's been an interesting few days. I am officially off the vegan diet, and tried eating a half turkey sandwhich the other day. My tummy hurt for quite awhile. I may have jumped into the dairy & meat thing too quickly. For now, it's mostly vegetarian. I think I will feel much much better that way.
My thoughts lately are everywhere. I keep feeling like I am hitting a wall in my personal life, and keep getting overwhelmed by the enormity of this health journey, and living life for the here and now, and still maintaing goals for the future. It seems like I am fighting a uphill battle with lots of road blocks in the way.
The Bible says: " truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20. (I have previously blogged on this verse, but it's still hanging with me, so I am going to continue to blog about it.) No circumstance in my life, no struggle in my life, no mountain in my life has ever moved, or fixed itself, because I wanted it to. I have had to go through the journey. I have had to wait for the mountain to move, and it's never been instant.
I was watching footage again the other day on the continued aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, and am always amazed at the massive amount of destruction. I wonder what destruction weighs in the background of a crumbling mountain. What if the instant I pray, God's answers and begins to have the mountain crumble, but it's crumbling on the OTHER SIDE? And I just cannot see it...yet. As, I see the destruction that lays in the aftermath of natural disasters, I am convinced that as God is moving mountains in my life, and things are crumbling...there's an aftermath.
The roadblocks in life exist to prevent us from walking through the the avalanches that come from the mountains moving and crumbling. What seems to be the lack of God's activity to move the mountain, is really just a holding pattern as He clears away the debris of things that could cause further damage to our souls. God's promise to us is that as He's moving, as He's calling us to work on our goals, He won't lose us in them. He won't lose us in the aftermath. Sometimes He calls us to walk through the crumbling around us. Other times, He safely puts out His hand and stops us from going any further as He cleans house.
This is the journey I am on. It's one of learning and growth. It's a physical journey that has been really hard. Those four miles I ran, I cried the last mile. I was in pain, my lower back currently has ice on it as I sit and type this. The emotions of realizing I was going to hit my four mile mark, made me excited, and triumphant, and exhausted. Exhaustion is emotional, because it shows me, just what I am made of. It shows me my limits, it shows me my weaknesses, and that is okay. In my weakness God is made strong.
I cried that last mile, because I knew, I had reached a point of no return. I had reached a point of no longer thinking and every single emotion I have felt over the last several weeks came crashing in, and down. I realized that God, will not lose me in this journey. He loves me and will move on behalf. I just need to tuck in close.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Earning it
It finally happened. I worked my butt off so hard that I threw up. I started my workout with 50 squats (ouch), and then proceeded to run sprints for 30 minutes. Then I did 40 crunches, 30 jumping jacks, and tried to do 20 push-ups. I felt a cough coming on...and it was over. I apologize to my nieghbors, and to the readers of this blog, for sharing gross and yucky TMI details. I now feel weak, and limp, and not ready to try that ever again. However, I feel like I have earned a badge of honor. Everyone talks about how the work so hard they feel like puking, well I actually did.
Moving on...
I'm really thankful for Pan-Away essential oil. It's the only thing that is keeping my sciatic nerve pain in check. I know as my body adjusts, and as my core gets stronger, I can count on the pain going away. Right now though, I don't see an end in sight for it, and laying in bed at night as it throbs, I feel quite proud of it. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel the burn in my arms, in my core, and in my back-side and all I can think is "I earned that burn."
However, there are times, I wish this wasn't so much work. I feel like I am in a constant cycle of trying decide when to wake up, when to work out, when to eat, when to cook, what to buy. What is a better choice, is this nutritionly sound, is this real food, are these empty calories? How much is a serving size? It is exhausting. And totally worth it.
"Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
Diet coke and creamy coffee are my enemies in this journey. I am proud to report I am Diet Coke free for three weeks, and it's something that is constantly on my mind. The thought of the carbonation hitting my throught makes me want to gag, but the hissing sound the ice cold can makes as you pop the tab open, well...that actually brings back memories. Memories of parades, and the county fair. Times when my family had money because it meant we could afford soda, and it made stress all around less.
In his book, The Omnivourus Mind: Our Evolving Relationship with Food, John S. Allen says, "Our evolved psychology, may make food one of the more likely things in the environment around which memories are formed and focused." It makes sense that memories are so strongly linked with our experiences with food.
Healing
I can feel my body slimming down, and my body getting stronger. I know that it's going slower then I had hoped it would, but I still deal with so many emotions with this thing. And I don't like that. I want to cry when I realize I am reaching for a snack because I am bored. I am still overwhelmed by all the information out there regarding food. I feel like I can't understand what is going on with it all. I never realized how much all of this was wrapped up in my emotions. Until I started trying to sort it out.
Father God, heal my heart tonight. Make this health journey about health & wellness. Help me sort through the emotions of everything. Help me to understand why my heart is so caught up in this. I am so aware God that You are good. That you are the author and finisher of my faith. You are the only one that can make sense of my heart because you are the one who created it. You formed me in my mother's womb and made sure you kept me safe until this moment. You have given me strength to overcome the obstacles I see in my way, and the struggles that are real. God, help me to not see food as an enemy. Help me to forgive the people who have shown me false sense of comfort through food.
Moving on...
I'm really thankful for Pan-Away essential oil. It's the only thing that is keeping my sciatic nerve pain in check. I know as my body adjusts, and as my core gets stronger, I can count on the pain going away. Right now though, I don't see an end in sight for it, and laying in bed at night as it throbs, I feel quite proud of it. I know it sounds dumb, but I feel the burn in my arms, in my core, and in my back-side and all I can think is "I earned that burn."
However, there are times, I wish this wasn't so much work. I feel like I am in a constant cycle of trying decide when to wake up, when to work out, when to eat, when to cook, what to buy. What is a better choice, is this nutritionly sound, is this real food, are these empty calories? How much is a serving size? It is exhausting. And totally worth it.
"Water water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
Diet coke and creamy coffee are my enemies in this journey. I am proud to report I am Diet Coke free for three weeks, and it's something that is constantly on my mind. The thought of the carbonation hitting my throught makes me want to gag, but the hissing sound the ice cold can makes as you pop the tab open, well...that actually brings back memories. Memories of parades, and the county fair. Times when my family had money because it meant we could afford soda, and it made stress all around less.
In his book, The Omnivourus Mind: Our Evolving Relationship with Food, John S. Allen says, "Our evolved psychology, may make food one of the more likely things in the environment around which memories are formed and focused." It makes sense that memories are so strongly linked with our experiences with food.
Healing
I can feel my body slimming down, and my body getting stronger. I know that it's going slower then I had hoped it would, but I still deal with so many emotions with this thing. And I don't like that. I want to cry when I realize I am reaching for a snack because I am bored. I am still overwhelmed by all the information out there regarding food. I feel like I can't understand what is going on with it all. I never realized how much all of this was wrapped up in my emotions. Until I started trying to sort it out.
Father God, heal my heart tonight. Make this health journey about health & wellness. Help me sort through the emotions of everything. Help me to understand why my heart is so caught up in this. I am so aware God that You are good. That you are the author and finisher of my faith. You are the only one that can make sense of my heart because you are the one who created it. You formed me in my mother's womb and made sure you kept me safe until this moment. You have given me strength to overcome the obstacles I see in my way, and the struggles that are real. God, help me to not see food as an enemy. Help me to forgive the people who have shown me false sense of comfort through food.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Favorite New Foods & Workouts
Here are a few of my favorite new foods I am eating:
Home-made Hummus
2 Cans Chickpeas (30 oz total) drained and rinsed.
2 Tablespoons Tahini (found in the ethnic foods section at Cub)
1 Tablespoon EVOO
2Tablespoons lemon juice
Garlic Powder to taste
1/4 cup water
Throw in blender and blend. Simple as that.
Roasted Carrots & Broccoli
1/2 bag baby carrots
1 head broccoli cut up
Toss in a bowl garnish generously with lemon juice and sprinle with sea salt.
Throw on a cookie sheet place in over at 425 for 15 minutes.
These have become staples in my diet right now. They fill me up and are easy easy easy.
Smoothie:
Handful fresh kale leaves
Handful fresh raspberries
Handful fresh blueberries
Put in blender
Fill with almond milk
1 teaspoon coconut oil
1 teaspoon honey
Blend. Drink. Done. Sometimes if I know it's going to be awhile until lunch I add a 1/4 cup oatmeal to this. It keeps me a bit fuller for longer.
Exercises:
Pinterest has become my best friend. I learn a lot from watching others fitness pages. It helps. I try to keep myself from being too bored. I am practicing the moves I find hard in the mornings, just concentrating on the movements. 10 times or 20 just to learn the movement. Much like a football player learns drills. I can't do a mountain climber because it feels awkward, and I feel totally uncoordinated. So I have been dropping to the floor when I get out of bed in the morning and I do the movement very slowly. Learning how my body feels so that way when I want to do them faster, I can. It totally helps, and makes me feel less awkward later.
Home-made Hummus
2 Cans Chickpeas (30 oz total) drained and rinsed.
2 Tablespoons Tahini (found in the ethnic foods section at Cub)
1 Tablespoon EVOO
2Tablespoons lemon juice
Garlic Powder to taste
1/4 cup water
Throw in blender and blend. Simple as that.
Roasted Carrots & Broccoli
1/2 bag baby carrots
1 head broccoli cut up
Toss in a bowl garnish generously with lemon juice and sprinle with sea salt.
Throw on a cookie sheet place in over at 425 for 15 minutes.
These have become staples in my diet right now. They fill me up and are easy easy easy.
Smoothie:
Handful fresh kale leaves
Handful fresh raspberries
Handful fresh blueberries
Put in blender
Fill with almond milk
1 teaspoon coconut oil
1 teaspoon honey
Blend. Drink. Done. Sometimes if I know it's going to be awhile until lunch I add a 1/4 cup oatmeal to this. It keeps me a bit fuller for longer.
Exercises:
Pinterest has become my best friend. I learn a lot from watching others fitness pages. It helps. I try to keep myself from being too bored. I am practicing the moves I find hard in the mornings, just concentrating on the movements. 10 times or 20 just to learn the movement. Much like a football player learns drills. I can't do a mountain climber because it feels awkward, and I feel totally uncoordinated. So I have been dropping to the floor when I get out of bed in the morning and I do the movement very slowly. Learning how my body feels so that way when I want to do them faster, I can. It totally helps, and makes me feel less awkward later.
My Starving Neighbors
I want to start off this post by saying thank you to all the people who are faithfully following along. I am encouraged by your support, and I cannot say thank you enough for that. I didn't start this blog to garner attention or support, but I certainly do appreciate the kind words.
I am quite excited about my purchases at the Farmer's Market this weekened. I didn't get much: beets, purple pole beans, mini-cucumbers, and some fresh kale. I am excited for my morning smoothies. I can add the beet greens to them, and I can also add the kale.
I am excited for sides of cucumber & tomatoe salads with vinegar dressings, and my homemade hummus.
I realized today that this lifestyle change for me is going to effect so many more people then myself. When I am working out, I keep asking myself, who is seeing me run right now, thinking..."If she can do that, then I can do something too." As I learn to prepare fresh food for myself, I can't help but think how greatful I am that I am learning these things now, and not when I am married and with kids. I don't want to pass down bad eating habits, and wrong food messages to children who will learn those things from simply watching me.
One thing I can't get off of my mind though, is how are the people in my community faring right now? Only in America, the land of thousands of opportunites, are we caught in the middle of an obesity epidemic and their are food shelves popping up more and more every single day, because people are starving. I feel guilty that I am able to purchase fresh food. Does organic vs. gmo matter to them? Does frozen vs. canned matter to them? Are they even aware of the fact that thier sodium laden meals are only filling thier bellies?
What does dignity look like to those people? They have already stood in line to get money from the government to get food. Why isn't that food providing the nutrients they need? My heart is literally wrenched at the thought, that I have so much when mom's are struggling with the decision tonight if they are going to be able to eat something tonight or will they give it all to thier children.
Am I crazy in thinking that as I learn more about health and nutrition that God is arming me with this knowledge so I can help others? Why are people being forced to choose between paying rent & fresh food? Real food? Can I simplify my life so much that I can help those without?
I am reminded that thier are many like minded people who are trying to help those in need. That the job isn't up to me alone. I have a dear sweet friend who spends time baking (using real ingredients) and handing those baked goods out to the homeless down by the Doris Day Center in St. Paul. Her thoughts are how many homeless people have a can opener or a pan to cook or heat up those canned goods. I have another friend who is researching organizations in the Twin Cities that take the time to help the poor so he can get involved. I am greatful for these people who see the need. I can't help but think the easy access to empty calories, and fake food, for such a cheap price is what is causing thier to be such an unbalance.
I am not throwing in the towel on this wellness thing because I feel guitly at my ability to eat fresh, while others don't have it. It just makes me very very aware of the difference across the street.
As I ran through the park today, I stopped to fill up my water bottle, and I had the chance to observe a Father with his children. He was running & his kids where on bikes. He kept encouraging them to pedal faster. He was out of breath & I could tell he was working hard. He looked at me & said "keep up the good work. Push harder. I have lost 40lbs just from keeping my family more and more active." His daughter rolled her eyes at him, and said, "Yes, and now we can never have ice cream." He just smiled and said, "It's good for you honey."
I can't help but think that this is what God is saying to me. "This is good for you honey. Keep up the good work. Run harder, eat better, and do more." I am excited to make these changes. I am more excited to help others learn from my own struggles with food, emotions, and unhealthy body images. Life is hard, but with each step I am learning to breath easier.
I am quite excited about my purchases at the Farmer's Market this weekened. I didn't get much: beets, purple pole beans, mini-cucumbers, and some fresh kale. I am excited for my morning smoothies. I can add the beet greens to them, and I can also add the kale.
I am excited for sides of cucumber & tomatoe salads with vinegar dressings, and my homemade hummus.
I realized today that this lifestyle change for me is going to effect so many more people then myself. When I am working out, I keep asking myself, who is seeing me run right now, thinking..."If she can do that, then I can do something too." As I learn to prepare fresh food for myself, I can't help but think how greatful I am that I am learning these things now, and not when I am married and with kids. I don't want to pass down bad eating habits, and wrong food messages to children who will learn those things from simply watching me.
One thing I can't get off of my mind though, is how are the people in my community faring right now? Only in America, the land of thousands of opportunites, are we caught in the middle of an obesity epidemic and their are food shelves popping up more and more every single day, because people are starving. I feel guilty that I am able to purchase fresh food. Does organic vs. gmo matter to them? Does frozen vs. canned matter to them? Are they even aware of the fact that thier sodium laden meals are only filling thier bellies?
What does dignity look like to those people? They have already stood in line to get money from the government to get food. Why isn't that food providing the nutrients they need? My heart is literally wrenched at the thought, that I have so much when mom's are struggling with the decision tonight if they are going to be able to eat something tonight or will they give it all to thier children.
Am I crazy in thinking that as I learn more about health and nutrition that God is arming me with this knowledge so I can help others? Why are people being forced to choose between paying rent & fresh food? Real food? Can I simplify my life so much that I can help those without?
I am reminded that thier are many like minded people who are trying to help those in need. That the job isn't up to me alone. I have a dear sweet friend who spends time baking (using real ingredients) and handing those baked goods out to the homeless down by the Doris Day Center in St. Paul. Her thoughts are how many homeless people have a can opener or a pan to cook or heat up those canned goods. I have another friend who is researching organizations in the Twin Cities that take the time to help the poor so he can get involved. I am greatful for these people who see the need. I can't help but think the easy access to empty calories, and fake food, for such a cheap price is what is causing thier to be such an unbalance.
I am not throwing in the towel on this wellness thing because I feel guitly at my ability to eat fresh, while others don't have it. It just makes me very very aware of the difference across the street.
As I ran through the park today, I stopped to fill up my water bottle, and I had the chance to observe a Father with his children. He was running & his kids where on bikes. He kept encouraging them to pedal faster. He was out of breath & I could tell he was working hard. He looked at me & said "keep up the good work. Push harder. I have lost 40lbs just from keeping my family more and more active." His daughter rolled her eyes at him, and said, "Yes, and now we can never have ice cream." He just smiled and said, "It's good for you honey."
I can't help but think that this is what God is saying to me. "This is good for you honey. Keep up the good work. Run harder, eat better, and do more." I am excited to make these changes. I am more excited to help others learn from my own struggles with food, emotions, and unhealthy body images. Life is hard, but with each step I am learning to breath easier.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Day 7: Monopoly is back at McDonald's
Yup. It's that time of the year, Monopoly is back at McDonald's. The potential to win 1 Million Dollars, just from eating a Big Mac, and a second chance to win by super-sizing the meal, makes one almost believe that they already are the winner. The million dollars is already spent, on a new car, a new home, a check has been written to the charity of my choice, all before the regret of consuming all those calories (empty empty calories) and the tab is pulled only to realize that the game piece isn't an instant winner. The damage of eating that super-sized Big Mac meal is already done, and my financial situation is still very much the same.
This is the exact thought process that went through my head on the way home from a friends house last evening. I am proud to say, I didn't stop at any of the 10 McDonald's I passed on my home, in a 17 mile radius.
I am wondering what the pull is that makes something so bad for you, so attractive. I know the damage that a McDonald's meal can do to an entire life-style change. I know that it would be just a matter of one meal, to feel like I can't do this. I can't eat healthy and I shouldn't even bother trying.
I wonder sometimes if food and bad food, the overindulgence of bad food, is just like sin. It's been said that sin will take you further then you ever meant to go, and keep you longer then you ever meant to stay. It feeds on you soul, wanting more and more of it, and you in turn need more and more of it.
I was reminded today at the farmers market that good food is food that makes you feel good. Not the temporary rush that comes from eating fast food, or drinking diet coke. But actually feels good. Food that is complete is food that can heal.
I keep telling myself that fast food is food that God has created that nothing needs to be done to it to eat it. An apple that can be pulled from the tree and eaten, that's fast food. A strawberry from the garden that can be pulled up and eaten, that's fast food. An orange that can be peeled and eaten, that's fast food. These are things that the nutrients are readily available. Whole & complete.
This is the exact thought process that went through my head on the way home from a friends house last evening. I am proud to say, I didn't stop at any of the 10 McDonald's I passed on my home, in a 17 mile radius.
I am wondering what the pull is that makes something so bad for you, so attractive. I know the damage that a McDonald's meal can do to an entire life-style change. I know that it would be just a matter of one meal, to feel like I can't do this. I can't eat healthy and I shouldn't even bother trying.
I wonder sometimes if food and bad food, the overindulgence of bad food, is just like sin. It's been said that sin will take you further then you ever meant to go, and keep you longer then you ever meant to stay. It feeds on you soul, wanting more and more of it, and you in turn need more and more of it.
I was reminded today at the farmers market that good food is food that makes you feel good. Not the temporary rush that comes from eating fast food, or drinking diet coke. But actually feels good. Food that is complete is food that can heal.
I keep telling myself that fast food is food that God has created that nothing needs to be done to it to eat it. An apple that can be pulled from the tree and eaten, that's fast food. A strawberry from the garden that can be pulled up and eaten, that's fast food. An orange that can be peeled and eaten, that's fast food. These are things that the nutrients are readily available. Whole & complete.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Just another day in Paradise: Day 6
It's still hot! And I love it. Seriously, I would rather take 90 degrees any day over cold. I need the sunshine. It speaks to my soul, it rejuvenates, it massages the grumpies out.
I did a run this morning that was rough. My body didn't want to cooperate, I felt sluggish, and slow. I know that tomorrow will be a better day, and that's all that matters. Each step can heal, and tomorrow is a day with new mercies. I'm greatful that God's mercies are new every morning.
I am looking for ways to save money as I embark on this journey. I have a small kitchen, so storage is difficult. I desire to buy fresh veggies and fruit, but have a hard time with being able to use everything in time before it goes bad. It's hard to shop, and cook, and eat for one. That wasn't a typo...portion control is also something I am learning, so it is hard to eat for one.
I was really excited to be able to learn to save my kale for my smoothies in the morning. I am going to blend it up with a little bit of coconut oil and water and freeze it in ice cube trays, and plop one or two into the magic bullet in the morning. It is just one of those tips that makes sense, and helps me save money. I learned how to save berries for use later doing the same thing.
I'm learning with just a little bit of planning, things CAN work. It doesn't have to be this huge overall, of schedules, and bank books, and everything else. I am feeling like things are more and more possible every day. I feel like my body is slowly changing. I did a weigh in today and am down 11lbs from when I first began this process. I was able to put on a t-shirt today that I haven't worn since this fall and this fall it was quite snug. It's encouraging to know the work. The really hard work. The insecurites, the failures, the days when I forget to bring my lunch so I have to turn back around and grab it from home. The soreness from different workouts, and all the bravery are paying off.
There's a bit of fear in all of this, that I have to face every day. I wonder what everyone who sees this blog is thinking. I wonder if I am being too honest about somethings. I wonder if people are wondering why I am doing this. And it honestly overwhelms me at moments. I wonder if I am going to have a rough week or a life-event happen that is super life-shattering and all I'll want to do in the moment is eat ice cream, and pringles. Will there come a moment when I self-sabotage, just because I'm getting too good and too fast of results?
And yet, all I can do is push forward. All I can do is trust that this is what is right for me, and be gentle towards myself when I do make mistakes. I don't have to worry about the future because today has enough worries of it's own.
Seek first His Kingdom and Righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. Mark 6:33.
I did a run this morning that was rough. My body didn't want to cooperate, I felt sluggish, and slow. I know that tomorrow will be a better day, and that's all that matters. Each step can heal, and tomorrow is a day with new mercies. I'm greatful that God's mercies are new every morning.
I am looking for ways to save money as I embark on this journey. I have a small kitchen, so storage is difficult. I desire to buy fresh veggies and fruit, but have a hard time with being able to use everything in time before it goes bad. It's hard to shop, and cook, and eat for one. That wasn't a typo...portion control is also something I am learning, so it is hard to eat for one.
I was really excited to be able to learn to save my kale for my smoothies in the morning. I am going to blend it up with a little bit of coconut oil and water and freeze it in ice cube trays, and plop one or two into the magic bullet in the morning. It is just one of those tips that makes sense, and helps me save money. I learned how to save berries for use later doing the same thing.
I'm learning with just a little bit of planning, things CAN work. It doesn't have to be this huge overall, of schedules, and bank books, and everything else. I am feeling like things are more and more possible every day. I feel like my body is slowly changing. I did a weigh in today and am down 11lbs from when I first began this process. I was able to put on a t-shirt today that I haven't worn since this fall and this fall it was quite snug. It's encouraging to know the work. The really hard work. The insecurites, the failures, the days when I forget to bring my lunch so I have to turn back around and grab it from home. The soreness from different workouts, and all the bravery are paying off.
There's a bit of fear in all of this, that I have to face every day. I wonder what everyone who sees this blog is thinking. I wonder if I am being too honest about somethings. I wonder if people are wondering why I am doing this. And it honestly overwhelms me at moments. I wonder if I am going to have a rough week or a life-event happen that is super life-shattering and all I'll want to do in the moment is eat ice cream, and pringles. Will there come a moment when I self-sabotage, just because I'm getting too good and too fast of results?
And yet, all I can do is push forward. All I can do is trust that this is what is right for me, and be gentle towards myself when I do make mistakes. I don't have to worry about the future because today has enough worries of it's own.
Seek first His Kingdom and Righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. Mark 6:33.
Always Room at the Table: Day 5
I have never realized how much of my social life revolves around food. Sitting around and eating. Lacking activity to burn off the calories of the ooey-gooey cheesy pizza. A giant tub of pop corn with chemical laden diet soft drink at a movie. A large amount of dairy (and calories) in a foo-foo coffee shop. It all revolves around food, and I understand it.
I don't feel restrictive in my life-style choices I am making. It's been easier to turn down lunch invitations and meeting for "apps" by saying, "No thanks, I'm not eating that kind of food right now." or "Not today, I brought my own lunch." or "I'm choosing to eat vegan today." If I say, "Sorry, I can't..." there's an emotional process that takes place super quickly and without thought. I just feel bad. Like, I can't do something. I hate disappointing people, more then anything in the world, and saying I can't do it...even something as small as food makes, me feel slight guilty.
Social eating sometimes seems to be the glue that holds my relationships together. I get together with family, and we eat. I get together with friends, and we eat. I don't know how to change that. For now, I am packing snacks, and foods I am choosing to eat. It makes it easier to do what I need to know. I'm trying hard to not be offensive, in my choices right now.
I am greatful for the support system I have in my friendships, because they get it. However, it's the people who don't understand. The random co-workers who offer you a cookie because they have extra, the invitations of new friends to go out and grab a bite. It's deeply my desire to do nothing but value people and relationships over food. I deeply desire to mkae the most of the calories I eat every day. I want my food to be full of nutrients, and vitamins, and good things.
As I try to sort through all the information, I am desiring nothing but real food. I am examining my motives everytime I eat. Am I reaching for food, because I am hungry, or am I reaching for food because I am tired, or stressed, or emotional, or sad. I can't remember the last time I have tried to really listen to my body and it's hunger signals. It's been so good and so freeing to do that.
I am growing more aware every single day that God creates things in such perfection. He created in my the strength to say no to poor food choices. He created in my the strength to push my body beyond it's limits and run just a bit harder, and to lift just once more.
Father you made me. You know me full well. You have seen each and every day of my life. You have created food for nourishment, and you have given me the ability to discern what is good food and what is not. You have created in me the strength to reverse the ideas of this culture of what beauty and strength is. You have created things with such perfection, and such beauty, I am not sure I can stand it at moments. There are days I glimpse in the mirror and I am sad at the damage and brokeness I see that I have done to my body, however God there are also days where I see your handi-work. I see the light reflected in my eyes and I feel beautiful, I see the softness of my skin and realize that the hardness and the hurt doesn't effect everything, and there is still beauty and perfection there. Father, I thank you that you make wonderful things.
I don't feel restrictive in my life-style choices I am making. It's been easier to turn down lunch invitations and meeting for "apps" by saying, "No thanks, I'm not eating that kind of food right now." or "Not today, I brought my own lunch." or "I'm choosing to eat vegan today." If I say, "Sorry, I can't..." there's an emotional process that takes place super quickly and without thought. I just feel bad. Like, I can't do something. I hate disappointing people, more then anything in the world, and saying I can't do it...even something as small as food makes, me feel slight guilty.
Social eating sometimes seems to be the glue that holds my relationships together. I get together with family, and we eat. I get together with friends, and we eat. I don't know how to change that. For now, I am packing snacks, and foods I am choosing to eat. It makes it easier to do what I need to know. I'm trying hard to not be offensive, in my choices right now.
I am greatful for the support system I have in my friendships, because they get it. However, it's the people who don't understand. The random co-workers who offer you a cookie because they have extra, the invitations of new friends to go out and grab a bite. It's deeply my desire to do nothing but value people and relationships over food. I deeply desire to mkae the most of the calories I eat every day. I want my food to be full of nutrients, and vitamins, and good things.
As I try to sort through all the information, I am desiring nothing but real food. I am examining my motives everytime I eat. Am I reaching for food, because I am hungry, or am I reaching for food because I am tired, or stressed, or emotional, or sad. I can't remember the last time I have tried to really listen to my body and it's hunger signals. It's been so good and so freeing to do that.
I am growing more aware every single day that God creates things in such perfection. He created in my the strength to say no to poor food choices. He created in my the strength to push my body beyond it's limits and run just a bit harder, and to lift just once more.
Father you made me. You know me full well. You have seen each and every day of my life. You have created food for nourishment, and you have given me the ability to discern what is good food and what is not. You have created in me the strength to reverse the ideas of this culture of what beauty and strength is. You have created things with such perfection, and such beauty, I am not sure I can stand it at moments. There are days I glimpse in the mirror and I am sad at the damage and brokeness I see that I have done to my body, however God there are also days where I see your handi-work. I see the light reflected in my eyes and I feel beautiful, I see the softness of my skin and realize that the hardness and the hurt doesn't effect everything, and there is still beauty and perfection there. Father, I thank you that you make wonderful things.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Sorting through the Facts: Day 4
It's still really really hot!!! Humid and hot. Ewww. As I ran this morning all I could think was I am going to die and where is my water?! I saw a total kind, stranger had left thier sprinkler on outside, and thought..."I wonder if they will mind if I have a drink" But just in the nick of time a saw a bubbler like apparatus in a close by park. THANK GOD. THANK GOD. THANK GOD. It was a long run of intervals.
I received many compliments today about how my skin looks radiant, and my complexion is clearing up. I cannot tell you the last time I have felt like I have had clear skin. Middle school maybe? I'm 32 years old, and still break out, more then some teenagers, I know. Sad, but totally true. I wonder if it's all the crap I have been putting in my body over the years? I know all the beauty magazines tell you it's just a myth, but then again they are sponosored by the candy bar companies, and the chemical-laden acne, skin clearing products.
Today was a good day food-wise. It's easy to make good choices when all you have left in the fridge is fresh-cut veggies, hummus, dates, and almond milk.
The thing that I am thinking about today is how do you sort through all the information? What's healthy and what's not? What are realistic goals, and what aren't? How many calories a day should I be eating, and how many calories should I be burning off every day? What are vegetables you can eat safely and not worry if they are organic? Is coffee good for you, or is it bad for you? Raw fruits and veggies are best, but if you can get raw/fresh, frozen is okay, but if you can't get either get canned. But avoid certain kinds of cans. It's all incredibly confusing.
How do I sort through all the informaion and how do I implement what I am learning. Last year, I began a wellness journey due to my kidneys shutting down due to an auto-immune disease (never confirmed because my doctor won't test for it...) and I decided to make small changes, one change a month. However, I never attacked the food issue. I would avoid the foods my allergy tests said I should, for a time. Then I would go to a birthday party, and just really want cake. Or I would be out with friends and there wasn't a gluten free menu.
This is the first time I have decided to tackle it. To take a month to go vegan simply because, it means that I have to cleanse my body, of all the stressors. I am avoiding my allergy triggers, and drinking more water then anything else. I haven't had a diet coke in over two weeks, and I don't think I even want one. The idea of the bubbly carbonation hitting my throat almost makes me want to gag. I am ready to finally tackle the issue of food, and to actually do the things I know what to do.
Romans 7:15 says, " I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate." It speaks so much to what I am going through in regard to health & fitness. I know that sugar is addictive. I know what it does to your body. I know it turns to fat. I know cancer breeds off of it. Yet, I haven't ever taken the time to say no. I want to enjoy working out (Side note: A friend told me that after working out for 6 days you would start to crave working out. He lied. I don't crave it. I still kind of get really anxious and dread doing it.) I just don't enjoy it, and that's okay. I just do it, because I know I should.
Overall, this journey has been teaching me more about God, then I ever thought possible. It's showing me, that I am stronger then I ever thought. And it's teaching me that I need to push through. In all aspects of my life. Personal, relational, spiritual, and everything in between.
Father God, I am thankful for your truth. I am thankful that everyday doesn't have to be spectacular for me to be in your will. God, I know you have good good plans for me. I don't yet crave discipline but I am growing in self-control. I am glad you're allowing me to come up for grace-filled air. I am acknowledging that you have all this under control God.
I received many compliments today about how my skin looks radiant, and my complexion is clearing up. I cannot tell you the last time I have felt like I have had clear skin. Middle school maybe? I'm 32 years old, and still break out, more then some teenagers, I know. Sad, but totally true. I wonder if it's all the crap I have been putting in my body over the years? I know all the beauty magazines tell you it's just a myth, but then again they are sponosored by the candy bar companies, and the chemical-laden acne, skin clearing products.
Today was a good day food-wise. It's easy to make good choices when all you have left in the fridge is fresh-cut veggies, hummus, dates, and almond milk.
The thing that I am thinking about today is how do you sort through all the information? What's healthy and what's not? What are realistic goals, and what aren't? How many calories a day should I be eating, and how many calories should I be burning off every day? What are vegetables you can eat safely and not worry if they are organic? Is coffee good for you, or is it bad for you? Raw fruits and veggies are best, but if you can get raw/fresh, frozen is okay, but if you can't get either get canned. But avoid certain kinds of cans. It's all incredibly confusing.
How do I sort through all the informaion and how do I implement what I am learning. Last year, I began a wellness journey due to my kidneys shutting down due to an auto-immune disease (never confirmed because my doctor won't test for it...) and I decided to make small changes, one change a month. However, I never attacked the food issue. I would avoid the foods my allergy tests said I should, for a time. Then I would go to a birthday party, and just really want cake. Or I would be out with friends and there wasn't a gluten free menu.
This is the first time I have decided to tackle it. To take a month to go vegan simply because, it means that I have to cleanse my body, of all the stressors. I am avoiding my allergy triggers, and drinking more water then anything else. I haven't had a diet coke in over two weeks, and I don't think I even want one. The idea of the bubbly carbonation hitting my throat almost makes me want to gag. I am ready to finally tackle the issue of food, and to actually do the things I know what to do.
Romans 7:15 says, " I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead I do what I hate." It speaks so much to what I am going through in regard to health & fitness. I know that sugar is addictive. I know what it does to your body. I know it turns to fat. I know cancer breeds off of it. Yet, I haven't ever taken the time to say no. I want to enjoy working out (Side note: A friend told me that after working out for 6 days you would start to crave working out. He lied. I don't crave it. I still kind of get really anxious and dread doing it.) I just don't enjoy it, and that's okay. I just do it, because I know I should.
Overall, this journey has been teaching me more about God, then I ever thought possible. It's showing me, that I am stronger then I ever thought. And it's teaching me that I need to push through. In all aspects of my life. Personal, relational, spiritual, and everything in between.
Father God, I am thankful for your truth. I am thankful that everyday doesn't have to be spectacular for me to be in your will. God, I know you have good good plans for me. I don't yet crave discipline but I am growing in self-control. I am glad you're allowing me to come up for grace-filled air. I am acknowledging that you have all this under control God.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Moving the Moutains: Day 3
No matter how many days you have off going back to work on a Monday is a challenge! I love my job and my organization is in the middle of incredibly exciting transitions. Transitions that are on the cutting edge of leading generation that will change the world and build God's Kingdom...but getting out of bed was HARD!!!! I went to bed early last night, had my clothes all picked out, and still even though my workout clothes sat on a bin at the end of my bed, I STILL HIT SNOOZE LIKE 4x. But, no matter, I can adjust and decided I would do my workout after work.
How silly of me to think I would want to work out hard after work on a high humidity 90 degree day. Maybe tomorrow I will think twice about hitting snooze. However, I know I honestly won't. I can always hope though.
My work out today consisted of running for 2 miles, (two really really long miles...) and it was hard going. The heat was more then I had planned on, and I took a different route then I normally do, and google maps, doesn't show you the hills ahead of time. It was a hilly, bumpy, rolling course. But I did it. At the half way point, I needed to stop, and walk for a minute to catch my breath, and seriously thought about phoning it in. Then I caught a second wind, and kept going. After my run, I did a series of 30 squats, 20 crunches, 10 jumping jacks, 5 push-ups then climbed the ladder back up of 5 push-ups, 10 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, & 30 squats. (Thank you pinterest for your work out ideas.)
Those last 15 squats, that last half of mile, the moments that get really really hard. That's what I am doing this for. To prove to myself that I am stronger then I even know, stronger then I believe.
The Emotional Path:
I literally want to cry when I think about the damage I have done to my body. When I think that all the years of eating fast food, slamming diet coke, eating out of boredom, and seeking food as a source of stress relief and comfort. I can look in the mirror and see each broken relationship on my thighs, each unkind word spoken on my arms, each pain on my stomache, and every insecurity on my hips. I am overwhelmed by the challenge it will take to reverse and improve the damage. It will literally take a lot of time and a lot of work to move the mountain.
I was in a conversation with a dear mentor today, and she said, mentioned the verse in the Bible that reads "Truly, I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, ' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. We often think that it's because we lack faith that the mountain doesn't move, but what if the mountain is moving, but God is moving it not in a dramatic miracle WOW moment, but rather in a gradual way. What if God is moving the impossible and hard situations in our life, boulder by boulder, rock by rock.
That's what I feel like God is doing in my life currently. I am facing some big mountains, I am trying to understand, what God is positioning me in. I am facing some challenges that go beyond what I can comprehend with my natural eyes. And I am begging God to move.
What if He is, and I just don't discern it yet. What if He is moving the mountain, boulder by boulder. This weightloss journey is so much more then becoming physically fit. This journey is about becoming stronger in my faith, it's about becoming stronger physically & mentally, it's about letting go of excuses & fears that have held me back. It's making me slowly better then I was.
I am not going to reverse the damage I have done over-night. However, I can take one step in front of the other, lace up my running shoes, and remove the damage literally one step at a time.
Food:
Smoothies have become my best friend in the morning. It's easy to throw almond milk, kale leaves, fruit, and a few ice cubes into the magic bullet. I can drink it on the way to work. Lunches back at work are a bit of a challenge, (especially when I wake up after hitting snooze 4 times...) I'm greatful for Amy's Vegan Bowls. I can keep one or two in the freezer at work, and lunch is served. I took healthy snacks to work today, and made sure I had a small snack about an hour before I left work, so I wasn't STARVING when I walked in the house this evening. It was a smart move. I got an extra special treat, because a co-worker shared an entire bag full of fresh herbs from her herb garden with me. I am looking forward to finding receipes to incorporate them into. Dinner was a bit touch and go. I had a veggie burger, and a bowl of Kashi. (Like I said, I need to go grocery shopping, but can't until tomorrow evening.) Overall, I know I could be more balanced, but I am proud I am not giving into temptation, and not eating emotionally because life is a bit stressful right now.
Overall, I am growing. Father God, help me to continue on this journey. Help me to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try new things that scare me. Help me to remember you could be moving the mountains in my life rock by rock, instead of removing the mountain instantly from my sight. God I thank you that I can push my body further then I thought. And God, I am sorry I haven't taken care of it in the past. I know you understand every hurt that lead me to this path, and because of that, I am not going to berate myself or beat myself up or hide in shame. Instead, I'm going to take deep grace-filled breaths, and I am going to walk step by step into all that you have for. Thank you for loving me deeply, especially when I feel as though I am a million miles from all that you have for me.
How silly of me to think I would want to work out hard after work on a high humidity 90 degree day. Maybe tomorrow I will think twice about hitting snooze. However, I know I honestly won't. I can always hope though.
My work out today consisted of running for 2 miles, (two really really long miles...) and it was hard going. The heat was more then I had planned on, and I took a different route then I normally do, and google maps, doesn't show you the hills ahead of time. It was a hilly, bumpy, rolling course. But I did it. At the half way point, I needed to stop, and walk for a minute to catch my breath, and seriously thought about phoning it in. Then I caught a second wind, and kept going. After my run, I did a series of 30 squats, 20 crunches, 10 jumping jacks, 5 push-ups then climbed the ladder back up of 5 push-ups, 10 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, & 30 squats. (Thank you pinterest for your work out ideas.)
Those last 15 squats, that last half of mile, the moments that get really really hard. That's what I am doing this for. To prove to myself that I am stronger then I even know, stronger then I believe.
The Emotional Path:
I literally want to cry when I think about the damage I have done to my body. When I think that all the years of eating fast food, slamming diet coke, eating out of boredom, and seeking food as a source of stress relief and comfort. I can look in the mirror and see each broken relationship on my thighs, each unkind word spoken on my arms, each pain on my stomache, and every insecurity on my hips. I am overwhelmed by the challenge it will take to reverse and improve the damage. It will literally take a lot of time and a lot of work to move the mountain.
I was in a conversation with a dear mentor today, and she said, mentioned the verse in the Bible that reads "Truly, I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, ' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. We often think that it's because we lack faith that the mountain doesn't move, but what if the mountain is moving, but God is moving it not in a dramatic miracle WOW moment, but rather in a gradual way. What if God is moving the impossible and hard situations in our life, boulder by boulder, rock by rock.
That's what I feel like God is doing in my life currently. I am facing some big mountains, I am trying to understand, what God is positioning me in. I am facing some challenges that go beyond what I can comprehend with my natural eyes. And I am begging God to move.
What if He is, and I just don't discern it yet. What if He is moving the mountain, boulder by boulder. This weightloss journey is so much more then becoming physically fit. This journey is about becoming stronger in my faith, it's about becoming stronger physically & mentally, it's about letting go of excuses & fears that have held me back. It's making me slowly better then I was.
I am not going to reverse the damage I have done over-night. However, I can take one step in front of the other, lace up my running shoes, and remove the damage literally one step at a time.
Food:
Smoothies have become my best friend in the morning. It's easy to throw almond milk, kale leaves, fruit, and a few ice cubes into the magic bullet. I can drink it on the way to work. Lunches back at work are a bit of a challenge, (especially when I wake up after hitting snooze 4 times...) I'm greatful for Amy's Vegan Bowls. I can keep one or two in the freezer at work, and lunch is served. I took healthy snacks to work today, and made sure I had a small snack about an hour before I left work, so I wasn't STARVING when I walked in the house this evening. It was a smart move. I got an extra special treat, because a co-worker shared an entire bag full of fresh herbs from her herb garden with me. I am looking forward to finding receipes to incorporate them into. Dinner was a bit touch and go. I had a veggie burger, and a bowl of Kashi. (Like I said, I need to go grocery shopping, but can't until tomorrow evening.) Overall, I know I could be more balanced, but I am proud I am not giving into temptation, and not eating emotionally because life is a bit stressful right now.
Overall, I am growing. Father God, help me to continue on this journey. Help me to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try new things that scare me. Help me to remember you could be moving the mountains in my life rock by rock, instead of removing the mountain instantly from my sight. God I thank you that I can push my body further then I thought. And God, I am sorry I haven't taken care of it in the past. I know you understand every hurt that lead me to this path, and because of that, I am not going to berate myself or beat myself up or hide in shame. Instead, I'm going to take deep grace-filled breaths, and I am going to walk step by step into all that you have for. Thank you for loving me deeply, especially when I feel as though I am a million miles from all that you have for me.
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