This Season: Fear is a liar

Sometimes I feel like a big ole' whiner. And I probably am. This has been a ridiculously tough and long season of my life. My emotions feel as though they won't or can't regulate, my body seems to fight against me all the time, and my food cravings are intense.

I really honestly sometimes feel like food is my enemy, only to realize I am probably my own worse enemy. I recently had an important relationship in my life break apart. All I want to do is eat my feelings and drown them in chocolate. But I won't. And I can't. I also had a really close family member enter rehab. The fear and the steps that it takes to be supportive even from a distance make me want to carb up, and grab my best friend: Diet Coke.

The Kicker

I recently got some scary news from the doctor. As you may know from previous blogs, I have been with flu like symptoms for a long time. TMI ALERT: For some time I have had blood presnt when using the restroom. And that is not normal. Or okay.

Every time I eat, I have felt sharp sharp pains. Like a million knives are slicing through my stomache. It hurts and I try not to cry, over something silly like some stomach pain. But it has been brutal. After trying a few things on my own, it wasn't going away, and I went to my doctors office and they found some concerning spots along my GI tract. I am scared. I am worried. But also kind of relieved...

The Silver Lining

Through this wellness journey, I have tried new things, and have felt my body go through some intense healing crisis. The toxins leaving your body, do in fact hurt. The pain leaving your body through exercise hurts. And I have felt the burden to give up, and thought...maybe I am better off with the bad food, at least it doesn't hurt as much. But can't give into excuses.

I am glad it's not in my head. That there is an underlying and root cause to everything. That my pain is real, and not imagined. That God has brought this to the surface in order to find answers, in order to move forward with better health, and better healing, and overall wellness.

It's Hard

It has been hard to NOT feel sorry for myself. However, as I press forward, and make one good food choice after another, as I put one more foot in front of the other, as I make this journey one about healing. I feel better. I feel like I am being lifted up in the shadow of the most high. I feel like I am loved.

The Victory
I have currently lost 16 pounds. That's a lot of pounds to me. I can't even lift a full 16 pounds somedays, and in some lifts. I'm proud of me so far.

The Prayer
God I remind myself again that you know me. That you will not lose me in this. That you see each tear that has fallen from my eyes during this journey. That you understand my fears better then I do. God I know I can rest on you for complete healing. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. God I know you are good. That your answers are yes and amen. That you see me. That you know me. That you love me and are proud of me, even when I feel defeated and not enough. That I can rest in your plans and your plans will become. All I can do is seek you. All you require of me is obedience and thankfulness. I can do those things.