So...I met a new friend this week. I went for my run the other evening, and literally ran into Linda. I run at a gorgeous nature sanctuary near my house, and have seen Linda a few times. Linda is obviously special needs of some kind, and typically wears braces on her legs, but she is one determined lady. Linda can outrun me any day. And often laps me on the trails. She's an inspiration to me and motivation to keep going on this journey. My excuses are entirely invalid compared to any she might have. Like I was saying, I literally ran into her yesterday. I came around a blind curve and so did she at the exact moment, and she feel down. Of course I stopped and helped her up. I guided her to the nearest bench that was conveinantly placed thier for all the nature observers. At that moment I knew I was about to have a DIVINE ENCOUNTER. Those moments that you can't orchestrate, but God can, and does. I sat with Linda for sometime, and asked her if there was any way I could help her.
She said no, she just needed to catch her breath, and that she would be okay. We began to talk. She shared with me that she was training to run a 5k to raise money for Special Olympics. At first I misunderstood her and thought she was running a 5k IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS, but she rest assured me, she was just raising money for it. I asked her what inspired her to do that, and she said, "Because people need help, and I can help." I was simply blown away. How often does someone need help, and I can help, but I don't help? I am too busy and don't even bother to offer.
Linda shared with me her official diagnoises, and I honestly can't remember it. It doesn't matter to me, all that matters is she is a dear soul who is offering help to others around her. She asked me for my phone number so she could call me to "train" with me. I gave it to this beautiful soul and am looking forward to her phone call, or looking forward to running into her again.
Days later as I reflect on this encounter, and after several conversations about other labels we put on people, I am humbled. No doubt you have seen the 23 True Reasons I know I am an Introvert articles floating around. No doubt you have seen the Extroverts Revealed articles on FB. Step into any corporate setting and it's not long before you are asked to take a strengths finder test. Step into any interview and they ask: What are your top strenghts? What are your top weakness? As if two simple questions can sum up all your assets to the company. Walk around in the church world for long enough and surely you will be asked to take a spiritual gifts inventory. All tools to sum us up as a human being.
Linda is much much more then her diagnoises, just as I am much much more then any label that's placed on me. I've gotten some funny ones lately. Comments range from, "Oh you use essential oils, you must be one of those granola girls." "You actually ENJOY running? Like you actually ENJOY it...You must be a glutton for punishment." "You need down time, and alone time, are you one of those introverted hermit types?" And the list goes on and on. You know what bugs me about all the articles that describe labels? All the inventory tests? All the strengths lists? None of them sum up a person.
You can take my list of strengths: responsibility, intellection, administration. You can take my basic personality type: Introveret. You can take my temperment: Meloncholy Choleric You can take my spiritual gifts: Pastoral, Wisdom, Prophetic, Administration, & Discernment. You can take my INJT profile...and guess what NONE OF THEM SUM UP ME. You won't know the experiences I walk through. You won't know that despite being what most think of as an introvert, that I desperately need people. I need to talk out my thoughts, I need to feel validated, I need to connect. You don't know my deepest thoughts. You don't know my heart on a topic. You don't know that there are times, I am completely sanguine and extroverted. How dare you sum me up by those labels...
Better yet, how dare I sum you up by them either. You see, I am a little too quick to judge based on previous experiences. I am terrified of being hurt again by people that I tend to shy away, a lot. I can't for the life of me know if you cried when you watch Titanic or Step-Mom for the first time. I can't know if you find Friends just as funny as I do, or if you sit in church each Sunday wondering if it's all real. I don't know from looking at those labels or prejudgements if you've healed from those experiences, or if they have rolled off your back like water off a duck. I can't know the struggles you struggle with in silence and I certainly don't know your victories. And I am deeply affected by that. I am in awe of the thought that you are more then what you present.
Those labels leave no room for love to move. They leave no room for the Holy Spirit to be. I may not feel like sitting and chatting with the Linda's in my life, but you know what...because of love, I will. And I am better for it. I may not feel like forgiving an individual for thier actions, but you know what, because of pure love, I will. When we get beyond labels, we can truly love. And the greatest commandment is to love. Simply love. Love God with your whole heart and soul, and love people as yourself. Love sums up the whole gospel. I like that.
I knew this health and wellness journey would open up a whole new world to me. I just didn't expect it to be so spiritual. I didn't expect to meet a Linda. And I certainly didn't expect to abhor labels. I thought labels on food items where a good thing. Something that points out the ingredients, and let's you know what you're putting in your body. As I travel along, I am learning food that has labels, is not something I want. I want fresh, natural, unlabeled food. Food that is pure and natural. Food that good intended to bring nurioushment and health to me. Food that in it's purest form is edible without processing. Carrots don't need a label to be sold. An apple doesn't need a label to be eaten.
I want my food the same way I want my relationships. Free from labels. Free from definitions. Freedom to simply be the way God intended for you to be, and free to simply be the way God intended me to be.
Father God, I come to you in the form of my truest self. I give you my heart. The good, the bad, the shameful things, the broken things, the beauty only you see. And Father, I ask for a freedom in my life to be. I ask for a freedom in my life to love others. To see them as they truly are, the way you intended for them to be. Free from pressures that are trying to process them into the people the world wants to make them, and not who you intended them to be.God move. Help my heart to be unhindered.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Running for a Cause: Venture Expeditions Ending Human Trafficking
I have officially signed up for my second 5k. My goal is to just beat the time of my first 5k, and my first 5k my goal was to just do it!
October 26, 2013 I will be running in the Monster Dash. I am excited and nervous. It can be cold or hot in October here in MN...and I am not a fan of running in either of those conditions outside.
However, I am mostly excited. I am running this race in honor of Venture Expeditions. Venture is an organization that raises money to end human trafficking. Something is I entirely passionate about. When I began this wellness journey, I didn't want it to be just about me. I wanted it to be about something bigger than myself, and it would help others. This is just the begining.
I am really excited that I can run 3.1 miles. I know for some of you avid runners that seems like a short distance, but I know that less than two years ago, it seemed impossible. In training for this, I hit a wall every single time I hit just the two mile mark, and the last mile seems like it will never come. I am working hard on pushing through that wall.
This is probably one of the more exciting things that have happened on this journey, being able to say that I am running for such a great cause. It makes me thrilled to be able to have the oppourtunity. I think about those girls who are caught up in sex slavery and do not have the chance to run, or have meals to eat, or have any freedom to even take a walk. There's something about this that seems like it has come full circle.
What I experienced growing up was by no means the horror they are walking through, but it was a severe form of injustice. If the mere $500 I set out to raise on this journey can help even one girl be rescued or prevented from being abused, then it's worth it. I honestly feel like breaking my food addiction that resulted from being abused, and being able to run a race to fight that very same kind of abuse, does something to the kingdom of darkness.
Each step I run pounds the evil and the atrocity in the face, and helps me gain one more step towards my own freedom from the past.
Yes I am running for those caught in human trafficking. Yes I am running for me. But most importantly, I am running to overcome evil and oppression.
If you choose to donate you can follow this link & learn more about my fundraiser and more about Venture Expeditions. Thank you for your consideration. https://ventureexpeditions.dntly.com/donations/new?campaign_id=718&fundraiser_id=1617
As always Father God, the glory from this journey goes to you. You are the author and finisher of my faith. While I am far from finished, I thank you God that you have brought me this far. You have given me more hope than I ever thought possible. You have given me a new perspective on this thing. Thank you that the last two days have been lighter and more managable. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you Lord that with you, chains are broken. Lives are healed, and lives are redeemed. Lord bring comfort to the hurting tonight. Bring healing to the brokeness. Here in America, and across the world God. Oppression is not of you, in you there is freedom and life. Thank you for guiding me into grace filled life and breath. You are only good Lord. You are only good. Amen.
October 26, 2013 I will be running in the Monster Dash. I am excited and nervous. It can be cold or hot in October here in MN...and I am not a fan of running in either of those conditions outside.
However, I am mostly excited. I am running this race in honor of Venture Expeditions. Venture is an organization that raises money to end human trafficking. Something is I entirely passionate about. When I began this wellness journey, I didn't want it to be just about me. I wanted it to be about something bigger than myself, and it would help others. This is just the begining.
I am really excited that I can run 3.1 miles. I know for some of you avid runners that seems like a short distance, but I know that less than two years ago, it seemed impossible. In training for this, I hit a wall every single time I hit just the two mile mark, and the last mile seems like it will never come. I am working hard on pushing through that wall.
This is probably one of the more exciting things that have happened on this journey, being able to say that I am running for such a great cause. It makes me thrilled to be able to have the oppourtunity. I think about those girls who are caught up in sex slavery and do not have the chance to run, or have meals to eat, or have any freedom to even take a walk. There's something about this that seems like it has come full circle.
What I experienced growing up was by no means the horror they are walking through, but it was a severe form of injustice. If the mere $500 I set out to raise on this journey can help even one girl be rescued or prevented from being abused, then it's worth it. I honestly feel like breaking my food addiction that resulted from being abused, and being able to run a race to fight that very same kind of abuse, does something to the kingdom of darkness.
Each step I run pounds the evil and the atrocity in the face, and helps me gain one more step towards my own freedom from the past.
Yes I am running for those caught in human trafficking. Yes I am running for me. But most importantly, I am running to overcome evil and oppression.
If you choose to donate you can follow this link & learn more about my fundraiser and more about Venture Expeditions. Thank you for your consideration. https://ventureexpeditions.dntly.com/donations/new?campaign_id=718&fundraiser_id=1617
As always Father God, the glory from this journey goes to you. You are the author and finisher of my faith. While I am far from finished, I thank you God that you have brought me this far. You have given me more hope than I ever thought possible. You have given me a new perspective on this thing. Thank you that the last two days have been lighter and more managable. Thank you Lord for loving me. Thank you Lord that with you, chains are broken. Lives are healed, and lives are redeemed. Lord bring comfort to the hurting tonight. Bring healing to the brokeness. Here in America, and across the world God. Oppression is not of you, in you there is freedom and life. Thank you for guiding me into grace filled life and breath. You are only good Lord. You are only good. Amen.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
"You're the God of New Beginings"
Celebration
At the doctors office this week, I discovered I reached a milestone, one that is worth celebrating, even if it's only privately. I am officially under the 200 lbs mark on this journey. My blood pressure was healthier than it's ever been. To me those are things worth celebrating! I can be proud of myself for those accomplishments. I did it and no one can take that away from me.
Humanely speaking...
I have been told I am often too serious...which is entirely true. Therefore celebrating seems silly. But, today is marking a day of new beginings! I have made no bones about how hard this journey has been. I think today calls for a day of celebration. I need to start focusing on the positives, and break the cycle of negative thinking. Harder said then done, but worth it.
1. I am thankful for the fact that I can literally feel my body getting stronger. I know not every single person on the planet has the ability to run. I may be slow, but I have the ability. That is something to celebrate.
2. I am thankful that there is a massive support system when it comes to eating better. All I have to do is fire up google and I can find receipes, nutrition tips and ideas, and places where real food is on sale. I belong to several groups on FB that give ideas for better living, and I can ask questions of.
3. God hasn't left me on this journey. Every single step of my life has been ordered by the Lord. Nothing I have experienced has been in vain. God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am in constant need to remember this. I will remind myself of this daily.
4. My Diet Coke addiction is successfully broken. I no longer need a fizzy drink to make it through the day. I no longer reach for coffee or a Diet Coke 30 minutes after lunch to make it through the day. I haven't had a headache in over three weeks.
...it is impossible...
Things seem clouded all the time lately. Am I getting enough nutrients? Was that a good purchase of for food? Should I have had those two extra bites after not feel hungry anymore? When faced with all the information available and taking my own emotions into account, at the begining this journey seemed foolish, and impossible. I do believe in my own strength it was.
But with God...
All things are possible. That is the promise and hope I am clinging too. I am going to make mistakes on this journey called life. But that's okay. As I continue on this wellness lifestyle, I am going to make mistakes. But that's okay. I serve a God who is in the business of forgiving and making mistakes right. He pours out grace and strength and possibilities when there seems to be no way.
All things are possible.
I know I can set goals. I know that if I continue to work that in 8 months from now, I can be at my ideal weight. I know that if I continue to research new ideas I can make the health changes necessary to support my food allergies. I know that no matter what my test results say from a doctor those aren't the end results. My feelings of laziness and apathy, and anger towards myself for being here are able to be overcome.
God, you are the God of new beginings. Please continue to show me yourself on this journey. I am sorry for being so down and hard on myself. I am sorry for not properly loving myself the way I should. Would you please continue to show me what I am supposed to do? Will you continue to give me light for my path? God, I do love you. I love that you love me with an everlasting love. I love that there is so much grace for the moment, and that you have literally given me the breath that I need to breathe each day. In you God there is only life. In fact your word claims that you have come so that I may have life, and have it in abundance. God, would you show me what abundant life means? Would you give me grace for today?
At the doctors office this week, I discovered I reached a milestone, one that is worth celebrating, even if it's only privately. I am officially under the 200 lbs mark on this journey. My blood pressure was healthier than it's ever been. To me those are things worth celebrating! I can be proud of myself for those accomplishments. I did it and no one can take that away from me.
Humanely speaking...
I have been told I am often too serious...which is entirely true. Therefore celebrating seems silly. But, today is marking a day of new beginings! I have made no bones about how hard this journey has been. I think today calls for a day of celebration. I need to start focusing on the positives, and break the cycle of negative thinking. Harder said then done, but worth it.
1. I am thankful for the fact that I can literally feel my body getting stronger. I know not every single person on the planet has the ability to run. I may be slow, but I have the ability. That is something to celebrate.
2. I am thankful that there is a massive support system when it comes to eating better. All I have to do is fire up google and I can find receipes, nutrition tips and ideas, and places where real food is on sale. I belong to several groups on FB that give ideas for better living, and I can ask questions of.
3. God hasn't left me on this journey. Every single step of my life has been ordered by the Lord. Nothing I have experienced has been in vain. God truly does work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I am in constant need to remember this. I will remind myself of this daily.
4. My Diet Coke addiction is successfully broken. I no longer need a fizzy drink to make it through the day. I no longer reach for coffee or a Diet Coke 30 minutes after lunch to make it through the day. I haven't had a headache in over three weeks.
...it is impossible...
Things seem clouded all the time lately. Am I getting enough nutrients? Was that a good purchase of for food? Should I have had those two extra bites after not feel hungry anymore? When faced with all the information available and taking my own emotions into account, at the begining this journey seemed foolish, and impossible. I do believe in my own strength it was.
But with God...
All things are possible. That is the promise and hope I am clinging too. I am going to make mistakes on this journey called life. But that's okay. As I continue on this wellness lifestyle, I am going to make mistakes. But that's okay. I serve a God who is in the business of forgiving and making mistakes right. He pours out grace and strength and possibilities when there seems to be no way.
All things are possible.
I know I can set goals. I know that if I continue to work that in 8 months from now, I can be at my ideal weight. I know that if I continue to research new ideas I can make the health changes necessary to support my food allergies. I know that no matter what my test results say from a doctor those aren't the end results. My feelings of laziness and apathy, and anger towards myself for being here are able to be overcome.
God, you are the God of new beginings. Please continue to show me yourself on this journey. I am sorry for being so down and hard on myself. I am sorry for not properly loving myself the way I should. Would you please continue to show me what I am supposed to do? Will you continue to give me light for my path? God, I do love you. I love that you love me with an everlasting love. I love that there is so much grace for the moment, and that you have literally given me the breath that I need to breathe each day. In you God there is only life. In fact your word claims that you have come so that I may have life, and have it in abundance. God, would you show me what abundant life means? Would you give me grace for today?
Saturday, August 10, 2013
End of the Rope
Cross Fit
Today I survived my first ever cross-fit work out. I sat through and explanation of what cross-fit is and I still don't have a clue, other then...it's real movements for real life. I was nervous!!! Very very nervous. I spent some time losing sleep over it, because I have seen really fit people, say cross-fit kicked thier butt. I have heard of HERO work-outs named after fallen military combantants that cross-fit uses. I am not military comnantant material. But I was determined to do it. Just to say I tried.
It wasn't terrible, it was actually manageable, but man alive...was I ever hungry afterwards. All I wanted to do was eat a cow. Seriously, I want to eat a bunch of greasy protein quickly. I guess that's why cross-fit works. It ramps up your metabolism so you are continuing to burn calories long after you work out. I think that's cool and definitely and added benefit. I was awesome to pour out all my stress in something physical.
There have been moments this week that I haven't been sure how I was going to make it through the end of this week. There have been moments this week that I have spiritually and mentally reached the end of my rope. All I can keep thinking is, TIE A NOTE IN THAT ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GOD IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU.
I realize I have been focusing on all I don't have right now. I haven't been able to help myself feel positive at all. This journey is hard work. I am working on healing my body physically, but the emotional attack is right there. Pounding away at me...and it's been pounding harder this week then it has in a long time. I've had some dark thoughts this week. Thoughts that are really hard to see the truth in.
Things to the effect of: why try and and heal. You're just going to keep messing up anyways. Physically you may heal, but you're still an emotional wreak. You can't really do this, so stop trying to pretend you're something you're not. All you are is a quitter. All lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Truth is my heart does hurt. It is damaged in a lot of places. Some are obvious, others are hidden. There has been a lot of healing over my heart in the last few years, and for that I am greatful, but I think this journey is begining to expose the deeper areas.
I was watching Extreme Makeover this week, and I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I know what that girl was going through. As she cried because she had no one to talk to or understand what she was going through. I am not experiencing anything like an eating disorder, but I do know what it feels like to feel all alone.
I have felt alone more times then I can count lately. I feel like I am walking a desolte desert and there is no one to see me, or journey with me. All I have to rely on is myself, and I have already let myself down one too many times.
I am angry at myself over my current health situation. If the biopsy reveals it is ulcers, then it means I have not been managing stress well. If it's the worse possible scenario and it's cancer, then it means I have been filling my body with toxins for too long.
Then I Think Clearly
Then there are the rare but beauty-filled moments that truth wins out. These moments are like taking a cool long drink after being so parched. I can be gentle with myself, and remind myself, that there was no other coping mechanism as a child. The only source of comfort I had was food, and my books. That when I look at the fact that sometimes I am terrfied to open up to people and let them in, it's not without really good reasons. That I can be quite proud of that little girl who survived some of the darkest moments anyone has ever had to walk through. The moments that I know Jesus was with me protecting me, and not allowing the abuse to get worse. The moments when I would lay in bed at night begging for the abuser to be too drunk or high to come in and "tuck me in". I don't know why I turned to food. Perhaps because it was constant. Perhaps because it was comforting. I just know I did.
I know I deserve more then what I am currently experiencing in life. I know I deserve a freedom to be, and a freedom to love people without fear of crumbling. But, right now I don't know how to attain it.
God would you please protect my very fragile heart and sense of being right now. Would you please speak truth and life to me and help me to not hurt anymore. God, I need more then what I am walking through. I am trying to practice the presence of your grace, and I am trying to walk free. I am desperately trying to seek you in this, I know you are holding me so close to you that I cannot see you because I am so pressed up against you. I know your grace never runs out, and never even gives up on me. All I can do God is breath. All I can do is cry out to you to intervene in the midst of my situation. God, can you please show me the value I have to you again? Right now Lord I am having a hard time believing it, and remembering it. I am sorry for the mistakes I am making on this journey. I am sorry for the doubts. Please forgive me that they seem so big right now. Please, hold me in your hands. Please mend the pieces of my broken heart. Please use even this time to shape me and mold me. I do love you God. I do cling to you. I do put my hope and trust in You. Abba God, hold me close.
Today I survived my first ever cross-fit work out. I sat through and explanation of what cross-fit is and I still don't have a clue, other then...it's real movements for real life. I was nervous!!! Very very nervous. I spent some time losing sleep over it, because I have seen really fit people, say cross-fit kicked thier butt. I have heard of HERO work-outs named after fallen military combantants that cross-fit uses. I am not military comnantant material. But I was determined to do it. Just to say I tried.
It wasn't terrible, it was actually manageable, but man alive...was I ever hungry afterwards. All I wanted to do was eat a cow. Seriously, I want to eat a bunch of greasy protein quickly. I guess that's why cross-fit works. It ramps up your metabolism so you are continuing to burn calories long after you work out. I think that's cool and definitely and added benefit. I was awesome to pour out all my stress in something physical.
There have been moments this week that I haven't been sure how I was going to make it through the end of this week. There have been moments this week that I have spiritually and mentally reached the end of my rope. All I can keep thinking is, TIE A NOTE IN THAT ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GOD IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU.
I realize I have been focusing on all I don't have right now. I haven't been able to help myself feel positive at all. This journey is hard work. I am working on healing my body physically, but the emotional attack is right there. Pounding away at me...and it's been pounding harder this week then it has in a long time. I've had some dark thoughts this week. Thoughts that are really hard to see the truth in.
Things to the effect of: why try and and heal. You're just going to keep messing up anyways. Physically you may heal, but you're still an emotional wreak. You can't really do this, so stop trying to pretend you're something you're not. All you are is a quitter. All lies, lies, lies, and more lies.
Truth is my heart does hurt. It is damaged in a lot of places. Some are obvious, others are hidden. There has been a lot of healing over my heart in the last few years, and for that I am greatful, but I think this journey is begining to expose the deeper areas.
I was watching Extreme Makeover this week, and I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I know what that girl was going through. As she cried because she had no one to talk to or understand what she was going through. I am not experiencing anything like an eating disorder, but I do know what it feels like to feel all alone.
I have felt alone more times then I can count lately. I feel like I am walking a desolte desert and there is no one to see me, or journey with me. All I have to rely on is myself, and I have already let myself down one too many times.
I am angry at myself over my current health situation. If the biopsy reveals it is ulcers, then it means I have not been managing stress well. If it's the worse possible scenario and it's cancer, then it means I have been filling my body with toxins for too long.
Then I Think Clearly
Then there are the rare but beauty-filled moments that truth wins out. These moments are like taking a cool long drink after being so parched. I can be gentle with myself, and remind myself, that there was no other coping mechanism as a child. The only source of comfort I had was food, and my books. That when I look at the fact that sometimes I am terrfied to open up to people and let them in, it's not without really good reasons. That I can be quite proud of that little girl who survived some of the darkest moments anyone has ever had to walk through. The moments that I know Jesus was with me protecting me, and not allowing the abuse to get worse. The moments when I would lay in bed at night begging for the abuser to be too drunk or high to come in and "tuck me in". I don't know why I turned to food. Perhaps because it was constant. Perhaps because it was comforting. I just know I did.
I know I deserve more then what I am currently experiencing in life. I know I deserve a freedom to be, and a freedom to love people without fear of crumbling. But, right now I don't know how to attain it.
God would you please protect my very fragile heart and sense of being right now. Would you please speak truth and life to me and help me to not hurt anymore. God, I need more then what I am walking through. I am trying to practice the presence of your grace, and I am trying to walk free. I am desperately trying to seek you in this, I know you are holding me so close to you that I cannot see you because I am so pressed up against you. I know your grace never runs out, and never even gives up on me. All I can do God is breath. All I can do is cry out to you to intervene in the midst of my situation. God, can you please show me the value I have to you again? Right now Lord I am having a hard time believing it, and remembering it. I am sorry for the mistakes I am making on this journey. I am sorry for the doubts. Please forgive me that they seem so big right now. Please, hold me in your hands. Please mend the pieces of my broken heart. Please use even this time to shape me and mold me. I do love you God. I do cling to you. I do put my hope and trust in You. Abba God, hold me close.
Friday, August 9, 2013
This Season: Fear is a liar
Sometimes I feel like a big ole' whiner. And I probably am. This has been a ridiculously tough and long season of my life. My emotions feel as though they won't or can't regulate, my body seems to fight against me all the time, and my food cravings are intense.
I really honestly sometimes feel like food is my enemy, only to realize I am probably my own worse enemy. I recently had an important relationship in my life break apart. All I want to do is eat my feelings and drown them in chocolate. But I won't. And I can't. I also had a really close family member enter rehab. The fear and the steps that it takes to be supportive even from a distance make me want to carb up, and grab my best friend: Diet Coke.
The Kicker
I recently got some scary news from the doctor. As you may know from previous blogs, I have been with flu like symptoms for a long time. TMI ALERT: For some time I have had blood presnt when using the restroom. And that is not normal. Or okay.
Every time I eat, I have felt sharp sharp pains. Like a million knives are slicing through my stomache. It hurts and I try not to cry, over something silly like some stomach pain. But it has been brutal. After trying a few things on my own, it wasn't going away, and I went to my doctors office and they found some concerning spots along my GI tract. I am scared. I am worried. But also kind of relieved...
The Silver Lining
Through this wellness journey, I have tried new things, and have felt my body go through some intense healing crisis. The toxins leaving your body, do in fact hurt. The pain leaving your body through exercise hurts. And I have felt the burden to give up, and thought...maybe I am better off with the bad food, at least it doesn't hurt as much. But can't give into excuses.
I am glad it's not in my head. That there is an underlying and root cause to everything. That my pain is real, and not imagined. That God has brought this to the surface in order to find answers, in order to move forward with better health, and better healing, and overall wellness.
It's Hard
It has been hard to NOT feel sorry for myself. However, as I press forward, and make one good food choice after another, as I put one more foot in front of the other, as I make this journey one about healing. I feel better. I feel like I am being lifted up in the shadow of the most high. I feel like I am loved.
The Victory
I have currently lost 16 pounds. That's a lot of pounds to me. I can't even lift a full 16 pounds somedays, and in some lifts. I'm proud of me so far.
The Prayer
God I remind myself again that you know me. That you will not lose me in this. That you see each tear that has fallen from my eyes during this journey. That you understand my fears better then I do. God I know I can rest on you for complete healing. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. God I know you are good. That your answers are yes and amen. That you see me. That you know me. That you love me and are proud of me, even when I feel defeated and not enough. That I can rest in your plans and your plans will become. All I can do is seek you. All you require of me is obedience and thankfulness. I can do those things.
I really honestly sometimes feel like food is my enemy, only to realize I am probably my own worse enemy. I recently had an important relationship in my life break apart. All I want to do is eat my feelings and drown them in chocolate. But I won't. And I can't. I also had a really close family member enter rehab. The fear and the steps that it takes to be supportive even from a distance make me want to carb up, and grab my best friend: Diet Coke.
The Kicker
I recently got some scary news from the doctor. As you may know from previous blogs, I have been with flu like symptoms for a long time. TMI ALERT: For some time I have had blood presnt when using the restroom. And that is not normal. Or okay.
Every time I eat, I have felt sharp sharp pains. Like a million knives are slicing through my stomache. It hurts and I try not to cry, over something silly like some stomach pain. But it has been brutal. After trying a few things on my own, it wasn't going away, and I went to my doctors office and they found some concerning spots along my GI tract. I am scared. I am worried. But also kind of relieved...
The Silver Lining
Through this wellness journey, I have tried new things, and have felt my body go through some intense healing crisis. The toxins leaving your body, do in fact hurt. The pain leaving your body through exercise hurts. And I have felt the burden to give up, and thought...maybe I am better off with the bad food, at least it doesn't hurt as much. But can't give into excuses.
I am glad it's not in my head. That there is an underlying and root cause to everything. That my pain is real, and not imagined. That God has brought this to the surface in order to find answers, in order to move forward with better health, and better healing, and overall wellness.
It's Hard
It has been hard to NOT feel sorry for myself. However, as I press forward, and make one good food choice after another, as I put one more foot in front of the other, as I make this journey one about healing. I feel better. I feel like I am being lifted up in the shadow of the most high. I feel like I am loved.
The Victory
I have currently lost 16 pounds. That's a lot of pounds to me. I can't even lift a full 16 pounds somedays, and in some lifts. I'm proud of me so far.
The Prayer
God I remind myself again that you know me. That you will not lose me in this. That you see each tear that has fallen from my eyes during this journey. That you understand my fears better then I do. God I know I can rest on you for complete healing. Emotional, physical, spiritual, and otherwise. God I know you are good. That your answers are yes and amen. That you see me. That you know me. That you love me and are proud of me, even when I feel defeated and not enough. That I can rest in your plans and your plans will become. All I can do is seek you. All you require of me is obedience and thankfulness. I can do those things.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
"Found in the Aftermath"
It's been a few days, since I have written. I wish I had a good reason, other then it's hard to keep writing about the same subject matter, over and over again. Also, I haven't been doing so hot.
I came down with the stomach flu last week. There's nothing quite like waking up on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, and you don't really remember why you are there. The violence of the illness caused me to burst blood vessels in my face and in my eye. So on top of already struggling with my fragile sense of self-esteem, that was really cute, in a terribly horrific sort of way.
Since those moments, I will admit my workouts have suffered and have mostly consisted of lot's of long walks, just to get out of the door. I have felt weak, and today is the first day I have felt any sort of strength return. All my physical energies have been poured into waking up, showering, and my daily activities.
My eating, has left some room for healthy. My weakest moment this week was last night...I had the honor and privelege of celebrating a dear friends upcoming wedding at her personal shower this weekend. The bridal party got a hotel at the MOA and we decided to go to the MOA for breakfast. Cinnabon called my name. I can handle that. It is alright to indulge once in a while for such a special occasion. The weak moment came, in that I had purchased a second Cinnabon for a friend. I had forgotten to give them the Cinnabon when I had seen them on Saturday afternoon. "No big deal," I thought. I can give it to them Sunday morning at church. I brought the offending item into my house so it didn't sit in my car overnight.
Then after I prayed for the eveing. And laid in bed, all I could do was think about the warm, sweet, gooeyness sitting on my kitchen cabinet. Wouldn't you know that 3/4 of the way through that second Cinnabon, is when I realized to utter lack of self-control. It's when I realized the pure selfishness, that occured. I closed the lid, and walked away.
I did "confess" to my friend and showed them the mostly eaten Cinnabon. They just kept exclaiming: "YOU ATE THE MIDDLE, THAT'S THE BEST PART." Duh. Of course it is.
What is it that overcame me in that moment. Did the sugar rush from the first Cinnabon cause such an addictive response I couldn't control myself? Was selfishness too much to overcome? Will I always and forever resort to emotional eating when life is difficult?
Can I ever stop myself before the mistakes are made? When I make those mistakes, when am I going to extend grace to myself? I have learned to extend grace to people who make mistakes. I am getting better at forgiving people quickly when they wrong me. But for myself I just don't have it, yet. I still feel really beat up over that decision. I am itching to get out and do my workout, as a form of repentance for that mistake.
I hate not being perfect. I really do. I hate that I can't just set my mind on something, and it happens. I hate that there are parts of my personality that cause me to war with myself. I dislike being selfish. Yet, I move in such self-serving ways sometimes. I hate that I am weepy and overly emotional. Yet, I feel righteous anger at the moment when someone points out my actions are being dictated by my emotions. I restore through quiet and alone time. I crave the alone time, even. Yet, I need to talk out my life. I long to have that one person who will listen to everything I have to say, and just understands me and gets me, and I feel really left out when people don't ask me to participate in group events or activities.
I am tired today, but it doesn't mean today is a wasted day. Just because I over-indulged, doesn't mean I won't pick up the pace tomorrrow on my run. Just because food choices have been poor-er this week doesn't mean today has to take on that direction.
That's my favorite thing about God. Nothing is wasted in His hands. He goes with us, and stands before us. He doesn't see mistakes as a failure. He redeems the years the locusts have stolen. He gives grace for the mistakes. He calls us to come to him for grace-filled, air. He invites us to sit at his feet, and be. I'm trying to learn to be. I like the thought ove just being. Simple. To be caught up in His grace that He doles out freely. That even in the midst of a hurricane He will not lose me. He will find me.
As everything swirls around me: new life-style, work job-description in flux, my relationship disintegrating, my heart crumbling, friends moving away, family members attending rehab, being sick, personal medical issues, dealing with the raw emotions from my past, forgiving my abusers, and refusing to be a victim. My energy is being drained. But, I have peace, it passes understanding. I am confident in one thing and one thing only: Jesus will not lose me in this. God will not let me fall. If He has brought me to it, He will bring me through it He sees me, and He knows me. And He will not lose me in the battle. He loves me, and because He loves me, He will not lose me in this.
I came down with the stomach flu last week. There's nothing quite like waking up on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, and you don't really remember why you are there. The violence of the illness caused me to burst blood vessels in my face and in my eye. So on top of already struggling with my fragile sense of self-esteem, that was really cute, in a terribly horrific sort of way.
Since those moments, I will admit my workouts have suffered and have mostly consisted of lot's of long walks, just to get out of the door. I have felt weak, and today is the first day I have felt any sort of strength return. All my physical energies have been poured into waking up, showering, and my daily activities.
My eating, has left some room for healthy. My weakest moment this week was last night...I had the honor and privelege of celebrating a dear friends upcoming wedding at her personal shower this weekend. The bridal party got a hotel at the MOA and we decided to go to the MOA for breakfast. Cinnabon called my name. I can handle that. It is alright to indulge once in a while for such a special occasion. The weak moment came, in that I had purchased a second Cinnabon for a friend. I had forgotten to give them the Cinnabon when I had seen them on Saturday afternoon. "No big deal," I thought. I can give it to them Sunday morning at church. I brought the offending item into my house so it didn't sit in my car overnight.
Then after I prayed for the eveing. And laid in bed, all I could do was think about the warm, sweet, gooeyness sitting on my kitchen cabinet. Wouldn't you know that 3/4 of the way through that second Cinnabon, is when I realized to utter lack of self-control. It's when I realized the pure selfishness, that occured. I closed the lid, and walked away.
I did "confess" to my friend and showed them the mostly eaten Cinnabon. They just kept exclaiming: "YOU ATE THE MIDDLE, THAT'S THE BEST PART." Duh. Of course it is.
What is it that overcame me in that moment. Did the sugar rush from the first Cinnabon cause such an addictive response I couldn't control myself? Was selfishness too much to overcome? Will I always and forever resort to emotional eating when life is difficult?
Can I ever stop myself before the mistakes are made? When I make those mistakes, when am I going to extend grace to myself? I have learned to extend grace to people who make mistakes. I am getting better at forgiving people quickly when they wrong me. But for myself I just don't have it, yet. I still feel really beat up over that decision. I am itching to get out and do my workout, as a form of repentance for that mistake.
I hate not being perfect. I really do. I hate that I can't just set my mind on something, and it happens. I hate that there are parts of my personality that cause me to war with myself. I dislike being selfish. Yet, I move in such self-serving ways sometimes. I hate that I am weepy and overly emotional. Yet, I feel righteous anger at the moment when someone points out my actions are being dictated by my emotions. I restore through quiet and alone time. I crave the alone time, even. Yet, I need to talk out my life. I long to have that one person who will listen to everything I have to say, and just understands me and gets me, and I feel really left out when people don't ask me to participate in group events or activities.
I am tired today, but it doesn't mean today is a wasted day. Just because I over-indulged, doesn't mean I won't pick up the pace tomorrrow on my run. Just because food choices have been poor-er this week doesn't mean today has to take on that direction.
That's my favorite thing about God. Nothing is wasted in His hands. He goes with us, and stands before us. He doesn't see mistakes as a failure. He redeems the years the locusts have stolen. He gives grace for the mistakes. He calls us to come to him for grace-filled, air. He invites us to sit at his feet, and be. I'm trying to learn to be. I like the thought ove just being. Simple. To be caught up in His grace that He doles out freely. That even in the midst of a hurricane He will not lose me. He will find me.
As everything swirls around me: new life-style, work job-description in flux, my relationship disintegrating, my heart crumbling, friends moving away, family members attending rehab, being sick, personal medical issues, dealing with the raw emotions from my past, forgiving my abusers, and refusing to be a victim. My energy is being drained. But, I have peace, it passes understanding. I am confident in one thing and one thing only: Jesus will not lose me in this. God will not let me fall. If He has brought me to it, He will bring me through it He sees me, and He knows me. And He will not lose me in the battle. He loves me, and because He loves me, He will not lose me in this.
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