End of the Rope

Cross Fit
Today I survived my first ever cross-fit work out. I sat through and explanation of what cross-fit is and I still don't have a clue, other then...it's real movements for real life. I was nervous!!! Very very nervous. I spent some time losing sleep over it, because I have seen really fit people, say cross-fit kicked thier butt. I have heard of HERO work-outs named after fallen military combantants that cross-fit uses. I am not military comnantant material. But I was determined to do it. Just to say I tried.

It wasn't terrible, it was actually manageable, but man alive...was I ever hungry afterwards. All I wanted to do was eat a cow. Seriously, I want to eat a bunch of greasy protein quickly. I guess that's why cross-fit works. It ramps up your metabolism so you are continuing to burn calories long after you work out. I think that's cool and definitely and added benefit. I was awesome to pour out all my stress in something physical.

There have been moments this week that I haven't been sure how I was going to make it through the end of this week. There have been moments this week that I have spiritually and mentally reached the end of my rope. All I can keep thinking is, TIE A NOTE IN THAT ROPE AND HANG ON FOR DEAR LIFE. GOD IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU.

I realize I have been focusing on all I don't have right now. I haven't been able to help myself feel positive at all. This journey is hard work. I am working on healing my body physically, but the emotional attack is right there. Pounding away at me...and it's been pounding harder this week then it has in a long time. I've had some dark thoughts this week. Thoughts that are really hard to see the truth in.

Things to the effect of: why try and and heal. You're just going to keep messing up anyways. Physically you may heal, but you're still an emotional wreak. You can't really do this, so stop trying to pretend you're something you're not. All you are is a quitter. All lies, lies, lies, and more lies.

Truth is my heart does hurt. It is damaged in a lot of places. Some are obvious, others are hidden. There has been a lot of healing over my heart in the last few years, and for that I am greatful, but I think this journey is begining to expose the deeper areas.

I was watching Extreme Makeover this week, and I couldn't help but cry afterwards. I know what that girl was going through. As she cried because she had no one to talk to or understand what she was going through. I am not experiencing anything like an eating disorder, but I do know what it feels like to feel all alone.

I have felt alone more times then I can count lately. I feel like I am walking a desolte desert and there is no one to see me, or journey with me. All I have to rely on is myself, and I have already let myself down one too many times.

I am angry at myself over my current health situation. If the biopsy reveals it is ulcers, then it means I have not been managing stress well. If it's the worse possible scenario and it's cancer, then it means I have been filling my body with toxins for too long.

Then I Think Clearly
Then there are the rare but beauty-filled moments that truth wins out. These moments are like taking a cool long drink after being so parched. I can be gentle with myself, and remind myself, that there was no other coping mechanism as a child. The only source of comfort I had was food, and my books. That when I look at the fact that sometimes I am terrfied to open up to people and let them in, it's not without really good reasons. That I can be quite proud of that little girl who survived some of the darkest moments anyone has ever had to walk through. The moments that I know Jesus was with me protecting me, and not allowing the abuse to get worse. The moments when I would lay in bed at night begging for the abuser to be too drunk or high to come in and "tuck me in". I don't know why I turned to food. Perhaps because it was constant. Perhaps because it was comforting. I just know I did.

I know I deserve more then what I am currently experiencing in life. I know I deserve a freedom to be, and a freedom to love people without fear of crumbling. But, right now I don't know how to attain it.

God would you please protect my very fragile heart and sense of being right now. Would you please speak truth and life to me and help me to not hurt anymore. God, I need more then what I am walking through. I am trying to practice the presence of your grace, and I am trying to walk free. I am desperately trying to seek you in this, I know you are holding me so close to you that I cannot see you because I am so pressed up against you. I know your grace never runs out, and never even gives up on me. All I can do God is breath. All I can do is cry out to you to intervene in the midst of my situation. God, can you please show me the value I have to you again? Right now Lord I am having a hard time believing it, and remembering it. I am sorry for the mistakes I am making on this journey. I am sorry for the doubts. Please forgive me that they seem so big right now. Please, hold me in your hands. Please mend the pieces of my broken heart. Please use even this time to shape me and mold me. I do love you God. I do cling to you. I do put my hope and trust in You. Abba God, hold me close.