There's never a comfortable way to approach this topic. Everyone has their already formed opinion, so I debated even writing this. I debated even publishing it. But to sit in silence contributes to the problem.
Had you asked me 5 years ago if our country had a racism problem, my answer would have been a firm NO. Our president was black, I personally didn't know anyone who was racist, I didn't surround myself with people who blatantly hated anyone much less for the color of their skin. Then I met the man who would become my husband; and my world shifted. The rose colored glasses where removed, and I saw the truth. The truth that many of my friends and family still deny, or don't see.
It started innocently enough...a few glances here and there in church. I honestly thought it was because, people where interested in us as a new couple, they where trying to figure out, are they? Aren't they? Then a person here and there who had previously been kind to me just wasn't. There was a wall there. It happened as it became more and more apparent, that...yes, yes indeed we where a couple. Then one fine Sunday morning, she approached me. The older lady who I had looked up to. Previous years when I had first entered this particular church she could ALWAYS be found at the altar praying for others. She appeared to be a shiny gem among God's chosen people. I wanted to model my prayers after hers. She came to me and asked, "Are you dating him? That man you where sitting by?"
"Yes! I am. He's fantastic. Have you met him yet?" I beamed with pride.
"Oh dear," She said. "You can't date him. Dating leads to marriage, and marrying someone like him isn't good, or what God wants. God doesn't want you to marry someone outside your race. Your relationship is sinful." I spoke to the leadership of the church about it. They told me it was just something I had to deal with. And that was that. It was the beginning of me learning that there was a whole world outside of mine.
The day it had snowed HEAVILY. It was the first big snow of the year. If I remember correctly it was well over 6 inches. We where driving to work. The roads weren't plowed yet. So all the cars where following the tracks of the other cars. It was the only place the road was visible. This is a common occurrence in Minne--snow-ta. Maybe 3 other cars where in front of us that morning. And the cop pulled us over. The "crime" driving outside the fog lines. I didn't know a fog line existed. (It is the white line along the side of the road for those curious). The cop was RUDE, disrespectful, and constantly swearing at my husband. I have never in my life seen a cop speak to someone that way. It was hard to hear. Apparently respect from a cop, is a privilege I had always taken for granted. After a few moments I recognized her. It was a former student I had taught Sunday school to. I leaned over, said "Hi" and her attitude changed. She called my husband sir. But the damage was already done. She had shown her true attitude. And I will never forget the look on that man's face. I hate to say it, but my strong, brave, hard-working, kind, brilliant, husband, looked broken. I don't know if it was fear, I don't know if it was realizing that yet again, a cop had judged him based on this interaction, but it wasn't a look I had seen before. And it broke me. And I realized the world had shifted.
It was the cashier in the local grocery store. The one I had spoken to many times. Who always asked me how my day was. She would tell me little stories of her grandson. She knew me by name. And I noticed she stopped speaking to me, well...that's not entirely accurate. She would only speak to me when my husband wasn't with me. It stung, because I had really liked her stories. Once again, my world had shifted.
The day I opened my messenger on Facebook after my son was born. "You got lucky, your baby is light enough to raise as a "normal" person."
"What in the world is a normal person? What does that even mean?"
"You know...to not focus on his black side or culture. You can raise him to embrace his white culture." And I realized there was no reasoning with this thinking. I realized I am raising a mixed race son. And my world has forever shifted.
I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that it took me so long to realize that we still have a problem. That racism is systemic, and because of the past there are still laws, mores, and a way of life that disenfranchises people of color, and elevates white privilege. I am at times afraid to speak up, because I don't think my family needs more hate, or more comments, or more attention. I at moments feel like I am not going to be helpful to the conversation. Does the black community need another white woman taking up their cause, because it now affects her? How do I even help?
The Bible says: "Weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn." Friends, fellow Christians...I'm speaking to you. You don't get to tell your black counterparts, that "Racism isn't a thing." "Slavery was so long ago." "Yes, but those laws aren't in affect today." "You where never a slave" As a Christian, you job...your mission is to weep with those who weep. You need to listen. Hear their stories, ask how the current political state is affecting them. Learn something about how the world is for them. Are they scared? Do they feel disenfranchised? What was growing up like for them. AND TO BELIEVE THEM. Not argue away their experience, or explain it away. Then and only then will you understand that a shift in this world needs to happen. And we haven't experienced it.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Health Class Didn't Prepare Me for This
Disclaimer: This post isn't going to be for the faint of heart. If you are squeamish, or easily embarrassed by bodily functions, or you just giggled too hard in health class like a 12 year old boy at heart...you've been warned. This is real talk about pregnancy and all that goes with it.
Alright girlfriends...I thought most of us had a good relationship, but when I would ask you questions about pregnancy, there's many things you didn't tell me. Dear Coach G who taught my freshman health class and made us watch the "Miracle of Birth" you didn't tell us these things either. No one told me; so I am going to do all you ladies who haven't yet experienced pregnancy some of the things that took my by surprise.
1) You will spend a small fortune on bras, undies, and other lacey slinky things.
See, I knew that after pregnancy you needed to purchase granny panties to fit you for after delivery, I knew you needed to purchase new bras to accommodate your growing assets that are now capable of sustaining life. But NO ONE TOLD ME; HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME that I needed to accommodate these things now, at 30 weeks in. Your curves grow...A LOT, and unless you want to spend the next 9 months digging under wires out of your sides, or picking fabric out of your rear, buy new stuff!
2)You will leak.
My former coworkers warned me that AFTER pregnancy bladder control would be an issue. I thought about preparing for that...but NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME, that the leaking happens while that wee little babe is still baking. As my midwife put it: "It's normal honey, us gals just get juicy as pregnancy progresses. Buy some liners and carry on." It's your bodies way of keep infection at bay, and your assets are swelling and preparing to feed your baby, so leakage there is also normal. But freaky if NO ONE TOLD YOU!
3) Your partner's breathing becomes really hard to tolerate.
Okay, so I should have expected this one. I'm not really a patient person to start with, and I was fairly warned about pregnancy hormones, but trust me nothing could prepare me for the Great Taco Melt Down of 2016. NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME just how important food would become. My husband and I stopped at Taco Bell...(don't judge me, even if you won't admit it, it's delicious). We where shorted a taco. We didn't realize it. We got home, I attended to a phone call. My husband ate his food. I sat down to eat and realized one of the tacos I ordered was missing...cue the water works, cue the hysterics---yes actual hysterics, I cried some more, laid myself down on the kitchen floor and sobbed, accused my husband of eating my food, and cried some more. It was intense. I recovered and was DEEPLY embarrassed by my behavior, and was extremely drained of all energy. I've found it increasingly difficult to not be irritated by those closest to me. I've apologized more to those I love the most, in the last several months then I have ever needed to in my whole life.
4) The smells. Oh the smells you will smell
You've heard of your sense of scent increasing; but NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME for how sensitive to my own smell I would become. Has my breath always been that noticeable in the morning? Has my "feminine" smell always been that apparent? Has my hair always been that gross smelling after a long day. Those closest to me assure me nothing has changed. I'm not all of a sudden the stinky kid in class, but because my own sniffer has increased in it's ability, I'm suddenly just more aware of those things.
5) You will miss you baby intensely before they arrive
For me admittedly this pregnancy wasn't a surprise. We weren't TRYING, but we weren't PLANNING either. We where pretty open to whatever God had planned for our family. However, each month prior to that actual positive test, when I was a minute later then I thought I should be, and I took THE TEST, and it was negative, I was pretty sad. I missed my baby. I know that sounds strange, I know it sounds intense, but I missed him. And then the day came that that test was positive, and I missed him even more. There are days I can be sitting at work, and tears come, because I want to hold him, kiss him, snuggle his sweet little face. NO ONE TOLD, AND HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE me that I would be instantly in love with this teeny-tiny person who hasn't even made his full debut into the world. No one told me, that my arms would ache to see him. I can't wait to fully love on you Baby Jack.
6) The fears. The anxiety. The thoughts.
There are days I legitimately wish I could turn back time, and undue this decision. I don't regret it, I wouldn't actually change it, but when your days are being tracked on an app on your phone with daily updates, when you are going to numerous appointments, you become VERY aware of time. I am acutely aware that it's going to be a long time before it's just my husband and I ever. I am also aware of how inadequate I am to control the outcome of anything. I can only rest, eat as best as I can, and wait for this child to come. As my stomach grows, and mobility decreases I am so very aware of how helpless I am to do anything. I actually think it's part of the great design. I' not helpless to carry on with the everyday life, but I am helpless to change the actual outcome of this pregnancy. I can do all the spinning babies, hypnobirthing, breathing, I want, but I cannot control when Jack chooses to arrive. I can't choose if I sleep tonight or if I will be up numerous times after the dreams, to use the bathroom, or because the sciatic nerve flares up, much less choosing the day my baby is born, the manner in which he is born. NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME for just how helpless I would feel. And I am actually learning to embrace it. Momentarily, I am set free. I don't have to do anything else. Just be. It is slowly teaching me that I don't need to have expectations of my little guy. That he can grow and be who he was meant to be, who God is designing him to be without intense intervention from me. My husband can be who God has designed him to be, without me trying to control everything.
I have dreams for my family, but ultimately those dreams will only amount to something if I place them in the hand of God and let Him lead me.
Alright girlfriends...I thought most of us had a good relationship, but when I would ask you questions about pregnancy, there's many things you didn't tell me. Dear Coach G who taught my freshman health class and made us watch the "Miracle of Birth" you didn't tell us these things either. No one told me; so I am going to do all you ladies who haven't yet experienced pregnancy some of the things that took my by surprise.
1) You will spend a small fortune on bras, undies, and other lacey slinky things.
See, I knew that after pregnancy you needed to purchase granny panties to fit you for after delivery, I knew you needed to purchase new bras to accommodate your growing assets that are now capable of sustaining life. But NO ONE TOLD ME; HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME that I needed to accommodate these things now, at 30 weeks in. Your curves grow...A LOT, and unless you want to spend the next 9 months digging under wires out of your sides, or picking fabric out of your rear, buy new stuff!
2)You will leak.
My former coworkers warned me that AFTER pregnancy bladder control would be an issue. I thought about preparing for that...but NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME, that the leaking happens while that wee little babe is still baking. As my midwife put it: "It's normal honey, us gals just get juicy as pregnancy progresses. Buy some liners and carry on." It's your bodies way of keep infection at bay, and your assets are swelling and preparing to feed your baby, so leakage there is also normal. But freaky if NO ONE TOLD YOU!
3) Your partner's breathing becomes really hard to tolerate.
Okay, so I should have expected this one. I'm not really a patient person to start with, and I was fairly warned about pregnancy hormones, but trust me nothing could prepare me for the Great Taco Melt Down of 2016. NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME just how important food would become. My husband and I stopped at Taco Bell...(don't judge me, even if you won't admit it, it's delicious). We where shorted a taco. We didn't realize it. We got home, I attended to a phone call. My husband ate his food. I sat down to eat and realized one of the tacos I ordered was missing...cue the water works, cue the hysterics---yes actual hysterics, I cried some more, laid myself down on the kitchen floor and sobbed, accused my husband of eating my food, and cried some more. It was intense. I recovered and was DEEPLY embarrassed by my behavior, and was extremely drained of all energy. I've found it increasingly difficult to not be irritated by those closest to me. I've apologized more to those I love the most, in the last several months then I have ever needed to in my whole life.
4) The smells. Oh the smells you will smell
You've heard of your sense of scent increasing; but NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME for how sensitive to my own smell I would become. Has my breath always been that noticeable in the morning? Has my "feminine" smell always been that apparent? Has my hair always been that gross smelling after a long day. Those closest to me assure me nothing has changed. I'm not all of a sudden the stinky kid in class, but because my own sniffer has increased in it's ability, I'm suddenly just more aware of those things.
5) You will miss you baby intensely before they arrive
For me admittedly this pregnancy wasn't a surprise. We weren't TRYING, but we weren't PLANNING either. We where pretty open to whatever God had planned for our family. However, each month prior to that actual positive test, when I was a minute later then I thought I should be, and I took THE TEST, and it was negative, I was pretty sad. I missed my baby. I know that sounds strange, I know it sounds intense, but I missed him. And then the day came that that test was positive, and I missed him even more. There are days I can be sitting at work, and tears come, because I want to hold him, kiss him, snuggle his sweet little face. NO ONE TOLD, AND HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE me that I would be instantly in love with this teeny-tiny person who hasn't even made his full debut into the world. No one told me, that my arms would ache to see him. I can't wait to fully love on you Baby Jack.
6) The fears. The anxiety. The thoughts.
There are days I legitimately wish I could turn back time, and undue this decision. I don't regret it, I wouldn't actually change it, but when your days are being tracked on an app on your phone with daily updates, when you are going to numerous appointments, you become VERY aware of time. I am acutely aware that it's going to be a long time before it's just my husband and I ever. I am also aware of how inadequate I am to control the outcome of anything. I can only rest, eat as best as I can, and wait for this child to come. As my stomach grows, and mobility decreases I am so very aware of how helpless I am to do anything. I actually think it's part of the great design. I' not helpless to carry on with the everyday life, but I am helpless to change the actual outcome of this pregnancy. I can do all the spinning babies, hypnobirthing, breathing, I want, but I cannot control when Jack chooses to arrive. I can't choose if I sleep tonight or if I will be up numerous times after the dreams, to use the bathroom, or because the sciatic nerve flares up, much less choosing the day my baby is born, the manner in which he is born. NO ONE TOLD ME, HEALTH CLASS DIDN'T PREPARE ME for just how helpless I would feel. And I am actually learning to embrace it. Momentarily, I am set free. I don't have to do anything else. Just be. It is slowly teaching me that I don't need to have expectations of my little guy. That he can grow and be who he was meant to be, who God is designing him to be without intense intervention from me. My husband can be who God has designed him to be, without me trying to control everything.
I have dreams for my family, but ultimately those dreams will only amount to something if I place them in the hand of God and let Him lead me.
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