I'm Just a Girl

I'm Just a Girl.

I find myself saying that a lot. I get into a discussion with a friend, and I cry. I put on a fake smile, shake my head, and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just being a girl." Or I deeply feel compassion for someone, really and truly am excited at their great news, whatever it is: engagement, upcoming birth, new promotion at work, etc. and the tears come then too. Again, I shake my head and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Or the stress of the day is too much: failed decisions, minor mistakes made, burning the pan yet again while cooking dinner. I get upset. I have an emotional outburst and again, the head shake and the "I'm so sorry. I'm just a girl." Why the need to apologize or offer my feminity as an excuse?

This journey this health and wellness journey has morphed and evolved into something that I never ever saw coming. I have confronted deep fears, I have failed more times then I can count, I have cried way more than my fair share of tears, I have seen countless victories, I have run further than I thought possible, and I have tried new exercises that I thought there is no way I can do that. I have used my excuse: I can't do that, I'm just a girl, more times than I care to admit. This journey isn't about just physical health. It's been a spiritual journey, and an emotional healing journey. 

I'm not afraid to admit that since losing my job a week ago, I have felt lost, fusturated, and confused. Somehow without realizing it, my identity was wrapped up in what I was doing. I keep falling into that trap of life over and over again. I start off doing something because I want God to shine through and be lifted up, and instead find myself hoping my efforts would shine through instea. Being an emotional eater, and hating to cook, I have gone to Chipotle more times then I care to admit, and I have eaten odd combinations of foods when I am just bored, peanut butter & baby carrots, anyone?. I can't help it. I'm just a girl. I'm wired for relationship. I'm wired to need people. I'm wired to care what they think. I'm wired to cry when I am upset, or happy, or thinking, or confused, or...you get the picture. 

But God is showing me that I am exactly who He created me to be, and it's perfectly okay. I AM A GIRL. And therefore it's okay to act like one. It's okay to cry at the loss of things I love. It's okay to modify my workouts, because lets face it: I am just built physically different then a guy. I embrace the fact that I love people without reservation...once I've decided to let them in. I don't ever unlove someone. Ever. No matter what. It's acceptable and should be celebrated that I can feel so much for those around me that their life situations reduce me to tears sometimes. When my friend announced that the adoption they've been praying for is final. I cried. Great big tears. When my other friend shared a deep personal family struggle, and I prayed, for her as if it was my own burden, it's to be celebrated. 

Being a girl is hard work. Being a girl from a divorced home, with a history of alcoholism, and sexual abuse, is even harder work. The lies of our culture tell us how to dress to be accepted, how to act to be loved, and to throw away your self-respect to make it in this world. Throw in HUGE trust issues, a few broken relationships, and the receipe is hard. Forgiveness has been key.  I have had to forgive people who have hurt me, I have had to forgive God for letting me be hurt, and most of all I have had to forgive myself. And that's been hardest of all.

Each day, I strap on those running shoes, each blog I write. Every time I set down the chips and pick up the celery, every time I meal plan. I can feel the weight of the past dripping away. The emotional weight, the weight of sin, the weight of hurt...clunk, clunk, clunk. At first believing I deserved it came only through pain...bloody chunk by bloody chunk. As I have progressed on this journey of grace, love, health, and spiritual healing, it has started to come softer, quieter, more of a steady stream of healing. It hurts less.

Just Do It. To anyone who wonders if they have the strength to look at thier past and make an honest evaluation of it. To anyone who wonders if remaining locked up inside yourself is more painful than dealing with the issues. To anyone who is afraid to challenge themselves physically. My advice...is just do it. Begin somewhere. In a year from now, you will thank yourself for starting. I don't want to be in this same place in a year from now. And I won't be. By God's grace He has made me just one of the girls. I am human. I make mistakes. I am ordinary, and altogether extraordinary. I cry when happy, sad, mad, or angry. I pray often and loudly. I am crazy enough to believe God speaks to me, and crazier enough to act on it when He does. I judge quickly, but apologize even faster. I'm not afraid of being just a girl anymore. I am exactly who God created for me to be. Mistakes, identity issues, blood, sweat, tears and all.