I apologize now, that this entry has nothing to do with fitness, or health, or wellness. I apologize if it's going to come across angry and bitter, or even hurt. But the honest truth, is I am hurting. A lot. And this is my blog, so I can write about whatever I want. And I shouldn't feel the need to to apologize for it, but I am.
Life
These last few months have been hard. I have confronted areas of my past that I have wanted to leave untouched. My relationship fell apart and I still don't understand fully what happened, or what I could have done different. I have battled some intense physical battles, and a few viruses. I am grieving alongside my mother who lost her soul-mate, the person she called the love of her life, and has faced some major surgeries, and illnesses herself. I am watching from the side-lines as a beloved family member walks through the pain of his own relationship falling apart, and walking through the brave steps of rehab. I feel attacked in every single area: career, relationships, family, personal...You name it I have faced a struggle or battle in it.
Don't get me wrong I have faced way harder things before. Bigger more life altering news, much much more difficult situations. And I know I have come out on the otherside. And it's been okay. I just don't understand why everything seems to be happening all at once.
For every single question I dare ask: Is it me? What have I done wrong? Is this a spiritual attack? What am I supposed to do next? How am I supposed to feel? What the heck am I doing? Why does life hurt so much sometimes? How is it possible I have any tears left? Am I hiding? Who can I turn to in these moments? Am I making poor choices? Do I own thse decisions? And so on and so on...every question I ask breeds two or three more questions. And every person I talk to gives conflicting advice.
The Advice
You're doing just fine! You got this! You need to examine your own heart because clearly something is wrong. What did you do to cause THAT to happen? This isn't you, it's them. You should be nicer. You're being too nice. You can't hold so strongly to your opinions. You need own your opinions.
And I am sincerely just confused, and hurting. I hate being weak. I hate admitting, I have no idea what the heck I am doing. I hate that every single situation is beyone my control. I can't turn back the clock. I can't take back words that have spoken by me or others. I can't reverse decisions of the past. I can't heal broken bodies or broken hearts. I can't raise loved ones from the dead. I am at a loss. And it's heartbreaking.
The Truth and the Choice
While, I can't do any of the above, and I am at a loss. I am found in a place that only God can reach me in. I'm not trying to be overly spiritual...most days I don't feel spiritual at all. There's nothing spiritual about questioning everything. There's nothing Christ-like about crying myself to sleep every single night. There's amazing about knowing that in and of myself, I don't have the strength to face the next day, and only through Christ can I make it.
One minute I lay down every situation to God in prayer. The next I'm hurting in a new way over it. The next day, I know that God helped me through yesterday, but I am just not quite sure I will make it through today. I remind myself daily, that when striving (aka: me trying to fix things) ceases, that is when God's strength is made new in my life. I remind myself several times a day that I need to again, ask God to help me trust Him. I read and pray that scripture time and time again: Even when I am faithless, God you are faithful. If I wait on the Lord, you will renew my strength. I will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.
The only consoling thought in all of this is: I have a choice. I can cash in, I can throw in the towel. I can walk away from God. I can stop trying to trust people. I can give up and just exists...or...I can keep praying. I can keep asking God for help. I can keep being messy and fall seven times, what matters is I ask God to help me up the eighth time. I can say with all confidence that this to shall pass.
It will hurt until it does pass. It will seem overwhelming, and earth-shattering sometimes, but by the Grace of God the mountains will crumble. I do not have to bow down to despair, I can put my faith and trust and hope in something bigger then myself. Christ can meet those things. I know He can, and even when I fail to recognize that, even when I fail to see His hand on my life, I can be certain that He has not left me.
Father God, I just desperately need you. I need hope. I need strength. I need you to meet me where I am at. My heart is hurting. I need you. Can you hear the cries of your servant? Please listen to them Father. Please heal my broken heart. Please keep me close. Without you God, I couldn't take my next breath. I thank you that you know all things. That you are leading me and guiding me, and sometimes just straight up carrying me through things. I trust that you are Jehovah Jirah. I trust that the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, the Father of the Christ, is still active in my life today. God please move. Please help me to keep coming to you and putting my trust and hope in all that you have for me, and those I love. God, please protect my loved ones. Those who's hearts are far from you, those who know you well, be with them. Guide them and carry them. Father, even in the hurt I say thank you for the pain. The pain lets me know that my love for others is real. It lets me know that I am still alive and still fighting. It gives me a small glimpse into the agony you must feel when your children, YOUR CREATION, turn away from you, it's a tiny small glimpse, and so dim, but I am still thankful that you created me in your image. In your image I was created to feel things: love, joy, happiness, peace, pain, hurt, grief, and sadness. By being created in your image I must remember there is a time for all things. A time for joy and gladness. A time for healing and a time for peace. But in that there is also a time for weeping and mourning. There is a time for pain. You bring the bitter with the sweet. I choose trust again today Oh Lord, and Father if there is any wicked way within my heart show it to me. Reveal it so I may be found in you. Please take care of me Abba God. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment