No matter how many days you have off going back to work on a Monday is a challenge! I love my job and my organization is in the middle of incredibly exciting transitions. Transitions that are on the cutting edge of leading generation that will change the world and build God's Kingdom...but getting out of bed was HARD!!!! I went to bed early last night, had my clothes all picked out, and still even though my workout clothes sat on a bin at the end of my bed, I STILL HIT SNOOZE LIKE 4x. But, no matter, I can adjust and decided I would do my workout after work.
How silly of me to think I would want to work out hard after work on a high humidity 90 degree day. Maybe tomorrow I will think twice about hitting snooze. However, I know I honestly won't. I can always hope though.
My work out today consisted of running for 2 miles, (two really really long miles...) and it was hard going. The heat was more then I had planned on, and I took a different route then I normally do, and google maps, doesn't show you the hills ahead of time. It was a hilly, bumpy, rolling course. But I did it. At the half way point, I needed to stop, and walk for a minute to catch my breath, and seriously thought about phoning it in. Then I caught a second wind, and kept going. After my run, I did a series of 30 squats, 20 crunches, 10 jumping jacks, 5 push-ups then climbed the ladder back up of 5 push-ups, 10 jumping jacks, 20 crunches, & 30 squats. (Thank you pinterest for your work out ideas.)
Those last 15 squats, that last half of mile, the moments that get really really hard. That's what I am doing this for. To prove to myself that I am stronger then I even know, stronger then I believe.
The Emotional Path:
I literally want to cry when I think about the damage I have done to my body. When I think that all the years of eating fast food, slamming diet coke, eating out of boredom, and seeking food as a source of stress relief and comfort. I can look in the mirror and see each broken relationship on my thighs, each unkind word spoken on my arms, each pain on my stomache, and every insecurity on my hips. I am overwhelmed by the challenge it will take to reverse and improve the damage. It will literally take a lot of time and a lot of work to move the mountain.
I was in a conversation with a dear mentor today, and she said, mentioned the verse in the Bible that reads "Truly, I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there, ' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. We often think that it's because we lack faith that the mountain doesn't move, but what if the mountain is moving, but God is moving it not in a dramatic miracle WOW moment, but rather in a gradual way. What if God is moving the impossible and hard situations in our life, boulder by boulder, rock by rock.
That's what I feel like God is doing in my life currently. I am facing some big mountains, I am trying to understand, what God is positioning me in. I am facing some challenges that go beyond what I can comprehend with my natural eyes. And I am begging God to move.
What if He is, and I just don't discern it yet. What if He is moving the mountain, boulder by boulder. This weightloss journey is so much more then becoming physically fit. This journey is about becoming stronger in my faith, it's about becoming stronger physically & mentally, it's about letting go of excuses & fears that have held me back. It's making me slowly better then I was.
I am not going to reverse the damage I have done over-night. However, I can take one step in front of the other, lace up my running shoes, and remove the damage literally one step at a time.
Food:
Smoothies have become my best friend in the morning. It's easy to throw almond milk, kale leaves, fruit, and a few ice cubes into the magic bullet. I can drink it on the way to work. Lunches back at work are a bit of a challenge, (especially when I wake up after hitting snooze 4 times...) I'm greatful for Amy's Vegan Bowls. I can keep one or two in the freezer at work, and lunch is served. I took healthy snacks to work today, and made sure I had a small snack about an hour before I left work, so I wasn't STARVING when I walked in the house this evening. It was a smart move. I got an extra special treat, because a co-worker shared an entire bag full of fresh herbs from her herb garden with me. I am looking forward to finding receipes to incorporate them into. Dinner was a bit touch and go. I had a veggie burger, and a bowl of Kashi. (Like I said, I need to go grocery shopping, but can't until tomorrow evening.) Overall, I know I could be more balanced, but I am proud I am not giving into temptation, and not eating emotionally because life is a bit stressful right now.
Overall, I am growing. Father God, help me to continue on this journey. Help me to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try new things that scare me. Help me to remember you could be moving the mountains in my life rock by rock, instead of removing the mountain instantly from my sight. God I thank you that I can push my body further then I thought. And God, I am sorry I haven't taken care of it in the past. I know you understand every hurt that lead me to this path, and because of that, I am not going to berate myself or beat myself up or hide in shame. Instead, I'm going to take deep grace-filled breaths, and I am going to walk step by step into all that you have for. Thank you for loving me deeply, especially when I feel as though I am a million miles from all that you have for me.
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